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my brain needs a new operating system..

Jul 10, 2008 - 42 comments
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daddy

,

brother

,

good person

,

thank you all



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every morning i wake & think about my disease. i make a cup of coffee, take my "meds", turn on sportscenter. then about 10 minutes later i log on to med-help, search for methadone, and read the same things about detoxing and tapering and withdrawals that i read everyday. this junk has completely taken over my life, consumed my thoughts. i need to find a way to re-wire my brain, this is not who i am! this is SO not who i am!  i'm a daddy, i'm a brother, i'm a good person, with a bad problem..  i so powerless over this addiction. i'm searching for faith and strength, hopefully with a little luck, i'll believe again..  thank you all who have been there with me through this tough time, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. you know who you are, and you should know how important you are to me and many others. i wish we all lived in the same area & we could go have coffee together.. love you all, wish me luck..   -jesse-

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Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008
Jesse..things will get better...You put it in the exact words that I would have..This is very doable..The only (and you know I am not making light) thing that is keeping you in this is fear..If you can taper just a little more...or even all the way down to 1mg..that would be great...and take the taper slow so you aren't in constant w/ds...but even as Genix.said..he got so sick of it and jumped at 30..(i think)..Just do it..jump off..You may not be as sick as I was..and Genix felt real bad but by day 8 he was feeling better..DAY 8...did you read that stuff in my journal??..the differences in w/d vary..You can do this Jesse..I wish I could take you up on some coffe right about now..I woke up to none..what a drag..lol///you are in my prayers always...♥Lisa

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by Rose703, Jul 10, 2008
My poison wasn't Methadone but after everything I've read about it here I'm so glad I never went that route!! We didn't spend years abusing our bodies to think that it can possibly heal in just a few days. Most of everything I've heard suggests that it does take longer with Methadone to feel better, but I haven't met a person yet who wasn't estatic that they had come off of the stuff. I have so much faith in you because I can hear the desire in your post to get beyond this!! You can and will do this!!

Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008
actually Genix started feeling better on day 4...and is on like day 11 or 12 now...have you talked to him?

374251 tn?1246235657
by jessejames31, Jul 10, 2008
thanks you guys, i'm gonna do this, i know i can. lisa, you just put the whole thing in a nutshell, "fear".. that is what this is all about, not just the fear of withdrawal, but the fear of no crutch, fear of disappointing others who follow your sobriety.. there just seems to be so much pressure and fear..  whatever right, if you can raise a child & balance between being their teacher & their friend, and see the love in their eyes for you. god, this is stupid, i NEED to be clean, i WANT to be clean..!! my daughter is so innocent, she deserves to have a great daddy (i am one), she's getting older and smarter so quick, she'll recognize my bull-shiat soon..  i'm ranting so bad today, sorry about that..
i'll talk to you later guys...    peace, -jesse-

Avatar universal
by BoboR, Jul 10, 2008
jesse, you can do this. You want to be clean...that's key to getting clean, I think. As for re-wiring your brain, I can only suggest finding some type of physical activity to occupy your time and mind. Even just walking outdoors made me feel better. Even tho some days I had to drag myself to do it. Do you have some type of hobby that you enjoy doing? I've found that keeping my mind occupied with things...almost anything....helps distract "those thoughts".


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by jessejames31, Jul 10, 2008
bike riding & hiking have always been hobbies of mine, they just seemed to have faded over the years. my daughter just learned how to ride without training wheels, so we ride bikes quite a bit. also she loves to swim, so we do that once in awhile. my problem is, when i don't have her i don't have the motivation to get off me butt & do things.. i think i'm getting there though, cause i've been taking vitamins and aminos & they seem to be helping as far as the energy thing goes...  it's my thoughts that are killing me, depression, anxiety, loneliness, worthlessness. but, i'm trying to overcome, trying to stay positive...  one minute at a time., and with everyone here being so awesome, i'll make it..


♥jesse♥

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by Phtartist, Jul 10, 2008
Hey Jesse, We are all together here for a purpose, today, for this time, it is you.  I have been thru serious withdrawal, quite a few times.  The minor of them smoking addiction cold turkey.  Alcohol, many times, Rehab two times, out patient two times,  my own tries, coke withdrawel after a month straight use cold turkey, that one I felt completely like you are writing today, all the same self talk.  
The latest was the worst.  I was prescribed hydrocodone, a muscle relaxer and I am on antidepressants, and a anti seizure meds.  

One night I over did the hydrocodone due to severe pain along with muscle relaxers, oh yea, I have FM. On top of that my Dr. added another antidepressant because I could not shake the undertow of depression.  Added is the key word. Now she admits she did not make it clear, she meant instead of.

Overdose, which one or all of the above.  Cold turkey off hydrocodone, and the higher than normal dose of SSRI.

Jesse, I can attest to the fact that we alcoholics/drug addicts are a tough bunch and can survive anything.  
Your mind can and DOES lie to you, to us.  It is a documented fact that when our mind is chemically off or as I like to say ----ed up, it lies to you.  Hey, stinkin thinkin!  You have to tell it you will not listen to its lies!

Have you ever heard the words that it is your addiction doing push-ups at your door.  That is the visual of your addiction getting strong, staying strong to hold you down!
You have to overide the words that you cannot survive without a crutch.  I told myself I needed to chase the day away.  The day isn't so bad, I need to change me.  

It is amazing that when we get clean, other crutches arise.  Sitting on my steps hearing the morning wake is a high for me.  Looking long and hard into my children's eyes, you know that feeling, its deeper straight.
The highs are higher, deeper, and real, that's the best part. They make me cry.

Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008
you are right!! You will make it..and even when your daughter isn't with you..your still her daddy..her knight in shining armour..I think not only the fear of w/ds is part but like you said..the crutch..I often find myself still wanting "something" especially when things are rough...and that just pi$ses me off..my brain naturally thinks about it..but what can I expect...I have abused used and abused drugs most of my life..you know what they say..old habits die hard...BUT they do die...don't apologize for venting,ranting or raving...get it out..as Bobo said..having the desire is key...and yes it does take effort..nothing i life worthwhile seems to come easy...boy, i am full of cliches today..LOL....I think you will feel better if you make yourself pick a date..and just do it...now would be the best time while your not working..seriously...get some clonodine from the dr...gather up the stuff from the detox in my journal and just go for it....2 weeks to be free...do you have anyone to physically talk to?? that helps..♥Lisa

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by Phtartist, Jul 10, 2008
I just want to add, just do it.  Do it.

Once it's over, it's done.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  Each day passes so quickly. Every day you wake is better.


Keep in mind, we all have another high, we don't all have another recovery.

I thought I did, I was wrong.  

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by BANDIDA, Jul 10, 2008
Hi Jessejames31, I read your posts even tho I am on the alcoholism forum. I have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not wking since I am on community control (house arrest) it stinks but better than the alternative jail. I can see you're struggling as we all are and isn't it great to have so many ppl to tap and tlk to about so many things! To me it's like my own personal AA meeting everyday any minute or whenever I need it,we're never alone ya know!!! I was thinking about you and your daughter...you seem so in love with that little girl of yours..she is beautiful! Maybe it would be fun if you started a Daddy-Daughter project that you both can wk on and enjoy together..maybe a dollhouse or garden or something along those lines. It would be something you could work on even when she's not with you to keep your mind occupied and off of your addiction woes. It would show concrete progress to you personally and to show her how progress in life works. Now is the time to set those examples and give her memories she will always treasure...it is so important. My son is 19 now and I have a granson I haven't seen yet 5 mnths old this month. I wish someone had told me this yrs. ago and I maybe would have dones things differently, like leave his abusive father sooner and not take up drinking to deal with the pain and sorrow and unhappiness I was going thru, I know it hurt him more than me...Hindsight 20/20 as they say. We are still close but it could have and should have been different. You WILL make it thru all of this one step one min. one day 1 second at a time! You are headed in the right direction and that's what counts!! Keep it up Jesse! My best to U and UR little girl!

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by jessejames31, Jul 10, 2008
thank you everyone for writing & caring so much. i cant tell you how much it means to me.. i've been up since 4am, & have been on this site writing alot, so i'm gonna lay down and take a lil nap. i'll be back in a couple of hours.. (thanks for the warning, right?)..    ♥ jesse

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by momeluv, Jul 10, 2008
JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today My thought will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA/MH who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

Just for today I will have a program.  I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

Just for today through NA/MH  I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid , my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life.  So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.





Avatar universal
by kim715, Jul 10, 2008
Hey Jessie,I just wanted to send some love and support your way today.You know how I feel about your struggle and I hope you know that I have every faith that you will get there.I know you love that little girl too much to let anything ever get in the way of that.Lisa has some good advice,listen to her shes a smart lady and she helped me get to where I am today.Pick a day and just do it.I wish we all lived close too,so we could be right there to help you through this.We're always there in spirit though and we believe in you Jessie.You just need some help believing in yourself a little more.I'm always right here if you need anything.Much love...........Kim

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by lonewolf07, Jul 10, 2008
The great philosopher, Homer Simpson, once said, "Trying is the first step towards failure".   As much as I like Homey, sometimes he says some rather dumb things - like that statement about trying.

I don't have any answers nor am I particularly good at articulating what I want to say except that IMHO all you can do is live from one minute to the next; take small, non-threatening steps.  Be gentle with yourself.  You're right - you are powerless over the substance you abused which is why you are here at MH and also why in AA and NA admitting you are powerless is one of the first steps along the healing path.

You are going through a difficult time and you have received lots of support and advice from some really good people.  Things aren't easy right now but I guess really the only thing I can suggest is to be gentle with yourself  while you take baby steps towards putting your addiction in the garbage where it belongs.

Hugs and good thoughts to you and your daughter.




371980 tn?1276740809
by bandnmom, Jul 10, 2008
jesse,
i have said to you before... remember who you are...you are a good person, a good daddy and a good friend just with a bad problem that u are working on  and trying to better yourself. just please always remember that. addiction takes such a hold on us and its so hard to get out of its grasp. it is possible though and you are on the right path. just stay strong and when things get bad i'm always here to "yell" at you again!! LOL
you are changing..i can hear it in your words. you are headed in the right direction just keep going and dont look back!!
jen

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by jimi1822, Jul 10, 2008
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. BELIEVE every thing happens for a reason.If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life let it. Nobody said life would be easy. They just promised IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!!!


                                                                                                       BELIEVE IN GOD
                                                                                                       For He believes in You.

                                                                                                      peace, love & understanding

                                                                                                      prayers & blessings jimi

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by Savas, Jul 10, 2008
I did that for a while as well. Eventually I just said... enough! And let it go.

As you've figured out, getting off it is going to take a while.

It's a good idea to take a break once in a while and just not think about it. After all, the problem isn't going anywhere, it will still be there when you come back to it.

As another great philosopher once said;

Wolf "You humans complicate everything so much. A wolf sleeps when it feels tired, hunts when it feels hungry and enjoys the company of its pack sisters and pack brothers when they're together.

A wolf doesn't think about these things, they just ARE. My advice is stop being a human, be a wolf, it's much simpler."


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by jimi1822, Jul 10, 2008
Do not worry about tomorrow...
Today's trouble is enough for today.
              
                                            Matthew 6:34

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by jimi1822, Jul 10, 2008
                                             What Is Recovery?

Rebuilding our lives, Restoring ourselves, Picking up the pieces, Healing from the past wounds, Regaining our hope, Obtaining self-respect, Mending broken spirits, Making amends for the spirits we've broken, Reclaiming our right to be, releasing what doesn't belong to us, Raising up what does without fear, Repossessing our minds & our hearts, Repairing broken thoughts & faulty behaviors, Replacing them with thoughts & acts of love, Renewing our faith, our minds, & our bodies, Reviving life within & around us, Realizing that their is good within us, Growing in our ability to feel & express good, Renovating our broken dreams & broken hearts, Increasing our ability to own our own light, Reaching out to lovingly share that light with others.

                                                                   by Donna Newman

                                                                                                    that light is GOD
                                                                                                    please share the word jimi

Avatar universal
by mrwjd, Jul 10, 2008
You might want to kick around a few other forums for a little while--heart disease, transplant, respiratory, aids...   Seeing what these people live with and still manage to go on might make it a little easier to imagine coping with functional addiction.

Just a thought.

371980 tn?1276740809
by bandnmom, Jul 10, 2008
not sure if this was ment to be nice or just plain rude! at this moment i am taking it as rude and didnt need to be added to this post.

just a thought!

Avatar universal
by kim715, Jul 10, 2008
This is just my opinion but I don't believe the words functional and addiction belong in the same sentence.I'm an addict, trust me theres nothing functional about it.Peace...Kim

Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008
I agree with Kim 100%...doesn't even belong in the same sentence...

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by dominosarah, Jul 10, 2008
Im in agreement too.......found it rude also.  doesnt belong here.              

Avatar universal
by gizzy32, Jul 10, 2008
hey mrwjd

with all do respect you might want to stick around here, and do some research. the lives lost to addiction and families destroyed is devastating and takes a crippling toll on society. i suggest before running your mouth with nothing but negativity, think before you speak. i may be using the heart disease forum after the damage i have done using cocaine. not all us addicts make it out so have some respect jerk.

371980 tn?1276740809
by bandnmom, Jul 10, 2008
this hit a nerve with all of us i see! glad it wasnt just me!!

Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 10, 2008
it is definitley an insult to all people suffering addiction...thanks Gizzy..you are painfully right about the damage it causes..families,friends..etc..it is not a freakin joy ride..and most of the people here WANT help...of course it could always be worse..but you know...we all walk in our OWN shoes...it isn't a one size fits all thing...what he he!! is a functioning addict?!!!!!!

352798 tn?1399298154
by GoingToMakeIt, Jul 10, 2008
Jesse, as this is your journal, you can delete comments. FYI

Avatar universal
by mrwjd, Jul 10, 2008
Ah--well, it wasn't meant to be rude, but this one is.

Not everyone who wanders in is going to understand in advance that every sentence must be parsed ahead of time to make sure it is in some ritualized format that no one, however thin skinned, could possibly take wrong in any way.  

Or that--what?--the wagons of codependency are circled in such a way that any suggestion of meeting or talking with anyone outside the community, especially a suggestion that such a meeting could have benefit that is not being met within the circle, calls up a mass attack on the speaker?  

I could ask my friend of 22 years, who now has her 22-year pin, and our mutual friends in recovery and maybe some of the young addicts we have represented in court, and the children of adult addicts whom we finally can place somewhere besides the car in which they and their parents and a sibling or two are living, whether they can figure out what set off this hysteria.  Naturally one wouldn't be rude to them, or any other friend, but I don't recall having to be on guard every moment to be sure none of them are forced to hear speech that is not properly ritualized or that mentions anyone or anything outside their circle, or whatever the group's problem is..    

Maybe you could put up a warning sign, trap ahead, so others won't walk into it.

And THAT is a rude letter.  Compare and contrast.

Avatar universal
by Mikeinthesouth, Jul 10, 2008
ooohhh the cats are hissing tonight here. Jessie hang in there bro part of this addiction is obsession and yes it does suck..... Mike

Avatar universal
by Mikeinthesouth, Jul 10, 2008
Wow those are some big words amd I bet that helped the author of this jornal a whole heck of alot. If this is some new forum I wondered into possibly named battle of the mental giants so I think I'll go find the helpful one I am accustomed to reading.

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by cathy5841, Jul 10, 2008
to mrwjd:

your comments to jessie on HIS journal entry were not necessary. they were down right rude. he is a forum member struggling to survive his addiction. may i suggest if you can not be supportive (which happens to be what medhelp is about) you check out a few other forums and hopefully stay there instead of here. you were rude and owe him an apology.

Avatar universal
by kim715, Jul 10, 2008
First I want to apologize to Jessie because this has gotten way off track from it's original attention.Second mrwjd,I accept the fact that you say you were not meaning to sound rude.The reason I perceived it that way was because it sounded to me like you were making light of the struggles and suffering that go hand in hand with addiction.Just as I could never begin to imagine the pain and hardship that someone dealing with heart disease,or respiratory disease has had to incur,nor would I ever be so bold to do so,someone who has never had to struggle with addiction can not truly know the pain and suffering of an addict.I am sincerely happy to hear that your friend has accomplished 22 years of clean and sober living and for sharing that I thank you,he/she is quite an inspiration.However,just as you know someone who has made it 22 years,I know of 2 people who will never see there 22nd birthday because their fight with addiction ended in tragedy.Addiction takes lives too and with all due respect sometimes it is wiser to think long and hard about what we say before we say it.God bless you.......Peace..Kim

374251 tn?1246235657
by jessejames31, Jul 11, 2008
whoa, what did i wake up to..    this is all i'm gonna say about the comment, you're intitled to your opinion but i've never felt so comfortable with the friends i've made on this site. it's the time i'm not on here when i'm feeling discouraged and lonely.

now back to the subject, thank you all so much for your help, i'm feeling a little better this morning (might be because i'm getting my daughter today), but who cares why, i'm feeling better.. i need to be patient, my addiction didn't happen over night..  love you guys, -jesse-

ps. here's a quote that makes me think of this site..

"Coming together is the beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success." -henry ford

Avatar universal
by sadinmichigan, Jul 11, 2008
Good morning Jesse..I hope you have a wonderful day with your little girl...and yeah.."things" can take a turn can't they on comments.LOL You know who is here for you...and I am one of them...hold your head up high...you rock..Love Lisa....sending lots of love and big hugs...

Avatar universal
by kim715, Jul 11, 2008
Good morning Jessie,I'm so glad to hear you're feeling a little better and I hope you and your daughter have a beautiful day.Lots of love and prayers comming your way........Much love.....Kim

460185 tn?1326077772
by lonewolf07, Jul 11, 2008
To Jessie James

I wrote this earlier and don't know if you read it or not.  I will probably not be responding to any journals, not just yours, because I am tired of being ignored, pushed aside or made to feel what I have to say isn't worth reading.  Don't know if you read it or not.  This is not a rude message.

The great philosopher, Homer Simpson, once said, "Trying is the first step towards failure".   As much as I like Homey, sometimes he says some rather dumb things - like that statement about trying.

I don't have any answers nor am I particularly good at articulating what I want to say except that IMHO all you can do is live from one minute to the next; take small, non-threatening steps.  Be gentle with yourself.  You're right - you are powerless over the substance you abused which is why you are here at MH and also why in AA and NA admitting you are powerless is one of the first steps along the healing path.

You are going through a difficult time and you have received lots of support and advice from some really good people.  Things aren't easy right now but I guess really the only thing I can suggest is to be gentle with yourself  while you take baby steps towards putting your addiction in the garbage where it belongs.

I really hope you succeed.  You have good friends in Lisa (sadfrommichigan), Kim 715, jimi and savas as well as others.

Hugs and good thoughts to you and your daughter.

Take care of yourself  = )

wolf





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by FriaryGrad, Jul 11, 2008
First of all, I think the only way for the loving members of this community to deal with a person like "mrwjd" is to ignore her; not react to any posts she might make.  It's clear she is already an expert on every subject under the sun, so there isn't anything we alkys and druggies can say to help her relate to people who aren't perfect.  Secondly, she wrote that her first post wasn't intentionally rude, but her second post was. Why would we let intentionally rude people into our lives when we don't need to?  Heck, the accidentally rude people take up enough time as it is....:>)

Jessie James, I came to your journal because other postings have shared how touching your situation is, and how insightful you are, and I'm glad I did.  Early recovery isn't easy, and for me it wasn't day to day survival it was hour to hour. It will be worth it in the long run, I promise.  I'm going to pray for God to give you all the strength and power you need to always do the next right thing, on the road to a full and happy life.  And He will answer my prayer -- He's promised me that and He keeps His promises.  I'll also pray for smaller things for you -- like a few consecutive nights of deep and restful sleep.  Let me know when God's answers start showing up in your life, okay???

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by jimi1822, Jul 11, 2008
Lord make me an instrument of your peace. where their is hatred, let me sow LOVE;
where their is injury, PARDON;
where their is doubt, FAITH;
where their is despair, HOPE;
where their is darkness, LIGHT;
and where their is sadness, JOY.

                                       by ST. Francis of Assisi


                                                     A whole person is one who has both
                                                     walked with GOD and wrestled with the devil.  by Carl G Jung

                                                                                                   peace jimi

558276 tn?1215949550
by RoxyChic, Jul 12, 2008
Hey Jesse you can do this..This site is my life saver..I know what you are sayin I feel like that too..It is nice to know that there are people like us..It is midnight in Fl..I am up feelin like **** my mind is goin..But please just do it and it will be better we are people with a sickness..We were born like this.And i know I am 24 yeasrs old lost twin's 3 days before chrismas..And I know that was god tellin me to get off of this ****..just by changing my life around..I have only been clean for 5 days but you know it is 5 day that I didn't use..I payed 20 dollars for 1 pill next thing you knew I was up to no less then 7 a day..Doing 30mg of oxys that is the devil drug..I Have had so many freind od for theim..I have a younger brother that has been doin theim loner then I have and he hoes not want to stop..He goes to the doctors that just give thiem to you...I had  to buy mine.In 6 mouth i blew 20,000.00 What was I thinkin..Good luck and have to get som sleep..xoxo

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by Daybreaker82, Jul 15, 2008
yesterdays dead dude.
its never coming back.
you're tougher than this ****
you can kick it
deal with symptoms as they come
keep informed like youre doing
theres other ways to feel better
bit by bit
yesterday has nothing on you
think about who you wanna be today and tommorow
start now



550931 tn?1219494820
by james2069, Jul 16, 2008
I couldnt have said that better myself... I agree with Daybreaker

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