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Learning to forgive and love who I was

Feb 25, 2010 - 10 comments

In counselling today I went to my special place,the 14 year old me was there and we spent a lot of time together,It was like I was getting to know her all over again,she was actually a nice giving person who did a lot in the community,things I had forgotten about in my anger, at who I thought she was.She did volunteer work in a hospital for intellectually and physically disabled children on weekends,she also volunteered at a returned servicemans home,It was for men who had fought in the different wars who could no longer look after themselves,she used to write letters for them, or just sit and talk with them if that's what they wanted.I look back now at the girl I have loathed and despised and I see her in a whole new light.She is a girl with empathy that felt other peoples pain and was ignoring her own pain,which I see now is why she did a lot of the things that disgusted me as an adult,she wasn't bad she was confused about life and what should be,she looked for love in the wrong way but she didn't know any other way to get the love she craved.I can now forgive her and love her with all my heart,she is so special to me,and I will never be ashamed of her again.
I also briefly confronted my brother in my special place,feeling safe and secure knowing I could make him go at any time,It was hard but I got rid of some of the anger,I gave it back to him,let him do the suffering from now on,still a lot of work to do with that aspect of my life but I will see this through.Feeling Great at the moment and enjoying life.

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662085 tn?1331345560
by Cloudwindgate, Feb 25, 2010
hmmm I guess it would not be so strange for us to forget who our past selves are and only focus on the parts that are nagging us.(...poor choice of words ...srry im tired)  I'm glad to hear that you made some improvment or........(srry i seem to have turned off the lights tonight)   Wow thats pretty strong of you. Brave didnt seem to fit to me not that your not just that strong seems better. It takes bravery to stare something down but to actually talk back to it(......) I'm sorry ill try again later i hope all is well and best of luck to you.

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by Judy246, Feb 25, 2010
It's comforting to hear that the 14 yr. girl has grown up to be a beautiful, mature, caring, loving, forgiving person. I believe that to be able to forgive is divine. It's a gift that too many people struggle with and some unable to do, but the person that forgive's is also forgiven and there is so much life out there just waiting for you to put the past where it belongs, come to terms with your new reality and start a brand new life. Live life, love yourself, forgive yourself and all those who have trasspassed against you. Life is a gift and to precious to live tormented by the past. Put it where it belongs, behind you. Start making new plans for you life. Discover new likes, for example, traveling, gardening, courses in cooking, exercising, power walks. Get to know nature's beauty in the small thing it offers. I think you are going to do great one step at a time...hugs, Judy

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by peggy64, Feb 25, 2010
Narla, This is amazing.

I hope that this will help your recovery now in leaps and bounds.

It is time for your emergence from the cocoon that you have been trapped in for so long!

Prayers.......Peggy

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by Jennifer1987, Feb 25, 2010
Id really like to be able to think that about myself!!! Im in counselling too, for issus that I never even knew I had or felt untill last year! I guess I hate myself, have no love for myself, Im not happy unless someone else makes me smile or laugh! I dont like myself, my self esteem has hit rock bottom and my confidence is zero :-(

Like you I do a lot in my community, volunteer in the local family resource center, involved in alot of projects etc, I am going to Alaska this summer to work with children with disabilities. I know I should be proud of myself, but the thing is Im not! I cant stand myself.. My own childhood wasn't great, dysfunctional family, my lil brother was born with Downs Syndrome and at the time I was 12... it tore me apart, and I never delt with it properly!!!! My whole family has fallen apart and we are just hanging on for the sake of it...

I wish I could find what you did!!!! i am so happy you have gotten this far in your counselling and everything! i dont know how to make myself happy.. I am trying but I dont feel worth it!

Well done, you should be proud!!!!!

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by narla, Feb 25, 2010
I've never felt worth anything until now,my life has been one of judging myself,but no more,I never had friends at school,I was picked on and bullied,I always felt different to everyone else.I never fit in,I was an outsider in life.It was as if my whole life has been spent trying to show people how worthless I am.No more, I am a good person, and that is how I intend to live the rest of my life.But it has taken me this long to feel this way with a very good counsellor-I'm nearly 48,My honesty about my whole life is what has made my progress possible.I say to anyone in counselling for it to work you have to be totally honest and truthful with yourself and your counsellor or they can't work with you to get the best results,I still have a long way to go but I feel I am finally on the right track.Thank You everyone for your replies and interest.

Denise

676032 tn?1315674063
by Jennifer1987, Feb 25, 2010
Honesty, ya thats what it takes and there is a few thing I have trouble talking about.. Last week was a hrad session for me cause I finally told her something that has haunted me for the past 2 years of mt life!!! The anxiety i have experienced is so hrad to deal with! but I dont think Il ever feel like Im worth it! I just dont think Im worht anyones time or attention.

Im glad you have had this important break through!!

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by specialmom, Feb 25, 2010
This is the power of therapy.  Healing old wounds and learning to love ourselves again so we can go on living.  Bravo to  you for embracing it.  It is hard work and takes courage to go to that special place  and experience once again the pain and joy that exists there.  I'm so happy for you and know that things will continue to get better!  Good job and enjoy living today!!

1032715 tn?1315984234
by narla, Feb 25, 2010
You are still very young,don't give up keep pushing,don't wait till your my age you'll waste too much of your precious life.Just keep going to counselling and working through every bit of your life and you'll see things will slowly start to turn around.Good luck and at every counselling session remember Honesty!

Denise

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Feb 25, 2010
You are such an inspiration to me. You just don't know how much.

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by Michele, Katy, TX, Feb 25, 2010
Wow Narla, I don't know you but your journal entry is very powerful.  I don't know what happened to you or what you went through, but it sounds like you went through a lot....very painful past.  I am so happy that you are where you are now and have learned to love yourself.

I remember giving a friend of mine advice a few years ago.  I told her that she needed to be her own best friend because that is what I always tried to be to myself.  If I was having a problem, I would ask myself what I would tell a friend if they were in my position because I deserved whatever my friend would deserve.  Did that make any sense??  Anyway, I didn't mean to get into all of that.  I am just so happy for you that you have begun to heal and are now in a good place.

Take Care,
Michele

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