Jul 11, 2008
Day 22 Cold Turkey Tramadol ...
I woke up HAPPY. I used to wake up happy all the time, before the Tramadol.
Waking up happy is good.
Then I tried to move.
I had to use my hands and arms to get up out of bed. My body has been pushed as far as it will go. So after trying all my best tricks (aminos, coffee, food, vitamins, water) I finally stopped the struggle and called in sick for work. Tomorrow will be a busier day anyhow.
I've called in alot this month and last obviously because the taper made me sick and then cold turkey made me sicker.
My coworker asked me if I wanted her to stop by my house with pain killers.
But no. No no no. No. No. No. (sigh) No painkillers. I want my life back. There was a full second where I wanted to say YES!!! Not a split second. A complete second. It might been two full seconds, maybe three? ...Which was new for me. A craving? More like; It would be so nice to stop the fight. But we all know what A LIE drugs are.
The offer of pain all over your body and esp in your belly going away!? And someone else will BRING you the pills!? Wow. Sounds too good to be true. (AND IT IS!)
The fact is, there's already pain killers here in the house and I'm not going to take any of those either. I'm not taking anything. I'm going to ice it, lay down, rest and realize that my body has been thru a heelllla fight and it just needs a break, a breath. A moment. A freakity frackity day off. I've been in a tough battle for 21 solid cold turkey days and before that; the taper AKA "Let the pills run out...."
Sometimes, in war, you have to lay in your foxhole and do nothing but wait in silence. There's time for action and there's a time for inaction. To know the difference is good. It is wise. At the moment I'm beating myself up badly for not being able to move and certainly NOT being able to drive in this state! Come on now; I don't want to hurt anyone because my driving abilities are impaired.
Let's act with intelligence shall we?
Two nights ago, which was day 20, I was driving home from work and my Mom called me.She knows about the Tramadol and the withdrawal. She also knew there was something VERY wrong with me while I was on it. But again, because she knew I had chronic pain and a DOCTOR gave this to me, she didn't say anything and wouldn't really have known to say anything about it.
Anyhow, at first her voice sounded way too loud. Horribly loud. Like a robot almost. A metallic quality to her voice. Mom has turned into a ROBOT!!!
Sound distortion has been really common thru the withdrawal. I told her that it felt like someone had been doing brain surgery on me for the last two hours. Which was true. It's not electrical zaps, like I got when I withdrew from Benzos.It is more like I felt my brain was being reattached to itself. Painful! Very, very painful! Add to this the constant sensitivity to light,
Two steps forward. One step back. Sometimes three steps forward, one step back. Sometimes (like today) One step back. OK. Whatever. I'll just accept it, get as physically comfortable as possible and breathe thru it.
Trying to remember how long it's been? 4 years I would say. Tramadol it's bad bad bad bad bad medicine. I feel terrible for anyone who gets on this thinking it is gonna be easy to get off. Thinking it is "safe" cause their doctor told them it was. It isn't.
Today my stomach (Intestines actually, which have thousands of opiate receptors ... BTW ... and they aren't happy about the no more drugs policy, not at all!) feels like someone strong punched me solidly and HARD. But just once. Not ten times like on day 17 and day 18. It also doesn't feel like I have been stabbed 17 times with a dagger in my gut. So, this is progress.
It is. What it is.
And that is all.
I just accept it. And Like Nancy in my crazy red shoulder padded double breasted BLAZER, I JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS!!!
... and now I'll rest, try and let some of the bad energy of the pain and this last week go so I can work all weekend and next week too. One day at a time. I was pretty sure last night when I got home and was so tired and disoriented that today might be like this.
It is worth it.No matter what. Getting off this stuff will save me a HUGE amount of pain in the future. I liked waking up happy! It reminded me of how I used to wake up pre-Tramadol.
More water, lots of vitamins, ice and rest. Progress and regression. It's all part of the game. You can't fool Mother Nature.
And I'm IGNORING the text message that said,"Let me know if you change your mind and I'll bring you something." Drugs. Pushers. They think they are helping. No more.
I'm down for the count, but I'm not out yet!
Love and healing,