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Silent tears...

Mar 06, 2010 - 11 comments

Hi everyone, we lost our little one at 17 weeks. I delivered him in the hospital on Jan 7, 2010. He was just perfect, a beautiful little baby boy. We named him Hunter. I have to say that this has been the single most devestating experience I have ever had to go through. He leaves behind my husband and I, and his big sister. We had him cremated since I could not bear the thought of not having him with us. His earthly remains now rest in a beautiful heart shaped urn with an angel on it holding a little baby. Looking at it, it looks like a small jewelry box.  We are getting ready to go on a trip home to visit family. I bought two necklaces to hold a little of his ashes for my husband and I. I have been putting off filling the necklaces because I did not feel I was ready yet. But the time came when I was ready to do it. Secondly to delivering our son it was very hard. I wanted to treat his remains with the utmost delicacy as it is all I have left. My husband and I filled the necklaces and when that was completed I had the incredible urge to gently pour out his ashes and "sift"(for lack of better wording) through them. I could tell my husband could not understand why I wanted to do this but sat quietly and watched. There were bits of his bones in it and I honestly was looking for something that reminded me of his little body, anything... As I did this I was thinking of holding him right after he was born taking in every inch of his little body not wanting to miss a thing. I suddenly realized that what I was looking for I would never find. Silent tears were falling from my eyes.  My baby boy is gone and I won't find him in a pile of ashes. After, my husband said I did not know why you were doing it but I understand you had to do it. I can't explain it my self. Thank you all for reading...

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by turkee23, Mar 06, 2010
im so sorry for your loss and this probably will be the hardest thing you ever have to do... he is above watching over you, your husband, and his big sister... i will pray for you and your family in your time of need.....

Avatar universal
by alyajabeen, Mar 06, 2010
I am very sorry to know about the tragedy. I pray for you that you come out from the sense of depression and grief as early as possible and God bless you with a child and may he live long.
Alya Jabeen

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by rdh1981, Mar 06, 2010
I just left you a message on my page Baby Angels. I am here when you need me!

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by smr08, Mar 06, 2010
I'm so very sorry for your loss. No words I can say will ease your pain, but know that your not alone. My story is the same as yours.  My son's name "is" Salvatore, I lost him in Oct. 2008,  I also had him cremated to keep him close to his mommy and daddy, he is in a teddy bear urn in my room, I have a picture on my profile page if you'd like to take a look. I just wanted you to know that having been through this heartache myself, if you ever need to talk plase don't hesitate to message me. Sending you peace and strength.                              Lori

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by jjsh44, Mar 06, 2010
I love you for your strength in what you are enduring right now and for being able to share your heart breaking story.  I am not a believer that time heals all wounds, especially in situations like yours.  I do feel as time goes by (I'm talking a long long time) it may be easier to deal with, maybe and I hope for you this comes true, I can't even imagine.  My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thoughts.  Your son will always be with you.
Much love and strength to you-hang in there.....

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by Queenfan, Mar 06, 2010
My deepest, deepest sympathies to you and your family.  I have 4 children; 10 years up to 19.  One of my favorite channels to watch on TV is Discovery Health, on it are several ER type shows.  I usually can't watch the segments that have the children in there as it makes me wonder what I would do if I ever lost one of my kids.  The OVERwhelming feeling of loss absolutely floors me - my heart goes WAY out to you - you lost one very early!  I' m so very, very sorry for your loss.

Avatar universal
by babyhope8, Mar 06, 2010
I am so sorry for your lost. To too lost my little one at 21 weeks on Oct 2009...we also had him cremated I needed to have him near us so I know how difficult it is for me it just seems as it was yesterday yes I learn to live with the lost of our baby but his memory will live with us forever....I really pray you get the strength you need right now.  Ana

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by ginger899, Mar 06, 2010
I hope you don't mind me commenting because I haven't spoken to you before. I saw your journal in the sidebar, and then read what sadness and pain you have been through. I am so sorry for your loss.

I did the same with my husband's ashes. The day they were delivered a good friend was with me and he didn't want me to do it, but I did anyway. I ran my hands through them, then tipped them out on to a cloth, searching for little pieces of his bones, anything that would connect me to the real physical person I had known. I found a few pieces, picked the biggest one, and saved it carefully in a special box. The rest of his ashes I scattered in a place he had loved. I still have that little piece of bone. I will keep it all my life.

The loss of a little child is so very sad. Prayers and hugs from me.

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by LoveofHunter, Mar 07, 2010
Thank you all for your responses. It helps to know that I am not alone. There is such great support here, I appreciate it. For those of you who have lost a loved one my deepest sympathies to you.  

ginger899-   Wow, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad you commented because I know now that I am not the only one who has done this with loved ones ashes. Thank you for your prayers and hugs...((((hugs))))

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by krichar, Mar 07, 2010
You brought tears to my eyes...I too have the same urge but we don't have enough ahses to "sift" through. I would be too scared to lose any piece of him. I am so sorry for you, this is definantely the hardest thing we have ever had to do. You know I am always here for you if you ever need to chat or vent. I bet the necklaces are beautiful and what a great way to hold him close to you. My dh bought me a baby angel pin when i was at the hospital and when we got home touched it to Kashtons heart. I carry it everywhere with me, sealed in a plastic bag to forever have his touch on it. i know we sound crazy at times but don't ever feel that way. Only someone who knows what we have been through can understand and relate to exactly what we feel and why we do what we do...

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by Dragon1973, Mar 09, 2010
I read your journal posts and I am crying.  My heart breaks every time I think of you, your family and baby Hunter.  I wish I could hug you, and make you not have to feel what you are going through, but it is a process.  How bleak my words must sound.  I want you to know though, your writing is therapeutic, even if it doesn't feel so right now.  Keep writing, and hold on to your family tight.  You need them right now, and they need you.  I think the necklaces are a wonderful idea, to keep him close to your heart.  It is definitely all about healing.  Just know that he is keeping watch over you and your family.  I am sending you as many virtual hugs as I humanly can.
Sandi XOXO

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