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Alas..

Jul 12, 2008 - 0 comments
Tags:

years

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family

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stress

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friends

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help

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depressed

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pressure

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sick

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school

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teacher

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failure



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Savana and I haven't been fighting as much lately, which is a pretty good thing, but even though we've been getting along better, I still feel depressed almost every minute of every day. I still feel like no one understands me. I'm just sick of the world I live in. I hate almost everyone I know, including my family. Even so, things have been a bit better. I've started drawing again, which helps when I need to vent. But I still don't think I'm any good at it. In fact, I don't think I'm any good at anything. I blame my 5th grade teacher, Ms. Threadgill, who I am pretty sure I'm mentioned in a previous journal entry. In case you didn't read it, she was the worst teacher on the planet. She was always telling my friends and I that we were going to be failures for the rest of our lives. Also, I was (and still am) in the gifted program, which means there's even more pressure for me to get things done right. I always do well at the beginning of the year, but around the middle of the semester, my grades start dropping. It's just the stress. I can't stand the feeling that I have to do everything perfectly, or I'll fail. If I do one thing wrong, it makes me feel even worse, and if I do something right, I still feel like I've failed. My gifted teacher, Mr. Brockinton, was pretty nice, but could be strict. He always told me I could do better, and I always thought he was wrong, that I could never do anything better. What's funny is that we were both so stubborn. We were always getting into arguements. I kind of miss him.. He was the only teacher there that actually believed I could do better.

I still haven't cried. My friend says that I need to just let myself have a nice, long cry, and I'll feel better, but I refuse. I can't remember the last time I cried, but I remember that it made me feel small, helpless, and weak. I hate feeling like that, so I don't let myself cry, no matter how horrible I feel. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about.. anything, really. I'm always listening to music, but I only listen to music that reveals how I really feel. The songs "Let it Die", "Gone Forever" and "Time of Dying" are the ones that really get to me.. I'm not going to type out the lyrics to all of them, just one. "Let it Die". Then, I'll type out a quote that I found that means a lot to me.

"We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

We had time on our side
In the beginning we
We had nothing to hide
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore"

And the quote is, "The worst part is, I would still die for you."
And if you're wondering who the songs apply to, I'm not telling. Not yet, anyway. (And it isn't Savana.)

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