All Journal Entries Journals

strange day

Mar 17, 2010 - 0 comments



bi polar








manic depression


manic depressive


Chronic Pain








Panic Disorder



so, i slept from 2 am till like 10 30am, then got up and made my son some food, and wend and laid on the couch from maybe 11 30 till! what a waste of a day! real nice way to spend time with you son, huh....i get so mad at myself when i do that because im just wasting precious time i could be spending with him, but my damn meds changes make me tired, and i used to do it before because of too many meds and depression, not really laziness, because once i get up, i get some energy and my body isnt hurting from the arthritis, and i get some chores started...laundry, dishes, bathing the kids, stuff like that.

i really dont look forward to going to my IME on fri for no fault. i hate those, but ihave a legit injury that was complicated by the car accident so i have the MRIs to prove it and the therapy reports to prove that i need the additional treatments. i hate IMEs. they suck!

i just got the invitation for my sisters 50th suprise bday party yesterday, and the partys this sunday...thats cutting it pretty close, wouldnt you say? my husband already has plans so he cant make it, so its just me & the kids, i WAS going to have plans but i guess not, and really i wanted to plan her something, but i never got a call or anything to involve me with this party, its all her inlaws side. WTF? im her only sibiling, youd think that theyd call me or something? nope...

actually i wanted to throw her one myself, and talke about it this past summer, but i guess no one remembered me, now im pissed. i missed my ******* bday because i was sick with strep. on that actual day, NO ONE even called me but my sister! not even my dad....i hated that it even took him 2 weeks to send me a card, and didnt even bother to put aside  our differences to just pick up the fukcing phone and call me! WTF!  and its not like i wanted to be involved in planning my only siblings surprise bday party either. i guess im feeling a bit put off about this ****. and no ones ever thrown me a surprise bday party im kinda pissed in a selfish way too...

plus the fact both my kids have been sick in some capacity since i left for vacay the 6th of march...both had ear infections, puking ********, fevers, coughs, runny noses, i had strep inbetween, then some kind of cough, a UTI, and lord knows wtf else im going to get! its no fun taking care of 2 sick kids when your sick yourself, and depressed on top of that. to anyone on the outside, it might look like laziness, but depression knocks out down so low sometimes, and physically affects you too, as well as anxiety and panic attacks. its fcuking rediculous!

plus im super pissed off that my ex is leaving, and no matter what i try to do, im prolly gonna not see him before he leaves, but i really need to. there is no way around that. i was gonna shoot for sunday, but theres no way i can bring my kids around him, and thats the bday patry as well, plus my husband is going out with his friend so its like WTF. everything is against me lately, is how i feel.

i gave my husband the ultimatum back in nov, and he was acting super sweet, like a person i never met before, flowers, sweet compliments, aksing what can he do to help me, and not drinking. now, some of his true colors are showing through again, back to the same miserable pessimisitic negative conversation, fighting over pettyness, and all that niceness went away. i dont think he realizes he eventually will drive me away for good, and i dont think he realizes what a good wife i really am, i deserve respect, and i never felt i got any from him. esp when he was drunk, which he binge drank every week at least one day when he was off. but aks him to recognize that hes an alcoholoc, he says 'oh no, im not, i just like some beers on my day off' but i see him drinking alone, getting nasty to me and the kids, and just like being a total **** by the end of the night.

i hate drunks because of this, and i couldnt stand him drinking, so if he starts up again, i swear i will be gone with the kids like that...he wont know what happened. just like im an addict to opiates, he cant drink, i cant be like 'oh, im just gonna take 50 pills today, that it, just this one time' because you know what happens after that one time. i dont need that shite in my life any more, and me being an addict, i dont think im strong enough to really ddeal with the both of us being one.

i hate him for all the ways he put me down, sarcastically, in front of other people, made me feel incompetent, and ignorant, and stupid, patronized me, and just made me feel like **** in general. and he wonders why i havent wanted to be with him in over a year now! duh!

idk what im doing, going to therapy, hoping it might help, giving him this one last chance. but im afraid i wont be able to do it, not financially, but emotionally, being bipolar and with a back injury, when i have bad days with both things, what if i cant do the alone parenting? although i kind of feel like im doing it already, at least i get breaks during the week in his off days, and if we were apart, hed want to work overtime all the time to be able to afford the house and car and everything new hed have to but himself, so of course he couldnt take them overnight but maybe once a week, if that, because i would move back to my home town, which is like an hr away from where we live now, so on school nights, those days are out for visits. if he lived in the same town, they could stay overnight on his days off, he works overnights and has some weekdays off. so i feel id never ever get a break from the kids ever, and its not like i want to go out and party, i mean just to have some time alone. they both will be in school but in the summer ill go out of my mind with both of them home, this summer was pretty bad already! so idk how seriously he takes me with all this stuff.

im just in a funk about shite tonight, i dont feel like going anywhere out of the house, maybe this is why i stay up so late at night, because the house is quiet and i can just be alone, or at least fake alone since the kids are sleeping and my husband is gone. i actually like the midnight thing because i like sleeping alone, i dont like someone crowding me and all cuddling on me making me sweaty, or snoring, i hate snoring! i swear to fcuk the last 2 guys i was with, my ex & my husband, they both have sleep are the chances! so i like to be alone, sounds selfish but i dont think having some time by yourself is a bad thing, i mean im not lonly, just like to be alone to do stuff.

ok, im done btiching about everything, i feel better now...

Mood Tracker
Post a Comment