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How it all ended

Oct 13, 2015 - 5 comments

"Just use some muscle and get in the damn truck."
  Ugh. Here it comes..another breakup.
  I then turned to look at him, while he was sitting in his van staring in mid space. We were outside the Old Attic Bar, and it was down pouring. It hadn't rained in New Jersey in months and I was happy to see the rain. There was something cozy about it, and I could get out all my old sweaters again. But I was not feeling the spirit because that night, he wanted to drop his van off at work. I wanted to see Nick, who had moved to Europe, 5 years ago and was in town for one night, at my old haunt at the shore. But I couldn't because he had to get this lousy van which I couldn't stand west. I had been thinking even on the way, how at that very moment, Nick was in New jersey, and I wouldn't be able to see my old chum. It was really pretty disappointing. But I couldn't tell that to him. If I even told him he was in town, he would of got nasty.
There was a missing step, and I couldn't get in. It was so high up compared to my car, and with my scoliosis it was impossible. "I can't get in." I said, after trying and falling back almost on the concrete.  Of course I couldn't keep in to myself, "it would be nice if you actually tried to help me, can't you help me in?"
  Nope.
  He says, "grab the handle!" and he was getting inpatient.
  I guess it was really all my fault for being such a wimp that I couldn't get in his f-ing van. But after struggling, I finally got in and closed the rattly door. I didn't talk to him the whole way to his job, where he wanted to drop off the van. I saw his truck and relaxed a bit knowing that was what was getting me home, of course he parked the van right next to a fence where I had no room to get out, in the dark or see where I was going. I opened the van and said, "ugh its pitch black I can't see anything." He ignored me. And I said to myself, you'd think he'd at least be a gentleman and pull the van out on the road so I could get out where I could see? Nope. Nope. Nope. It didn't suit him.
  While we were sitting in the Attic he asked if I had any desserts and I said I had apple pie from work, and so we planned to go in. But something happened on the way home. While getting from the van to the truck, he picked up his cell. Big mistake. Nothing I could help. There was a bunch of nasty texts from his son. We had already spoke that when he was fighting with his son, and having issues with him,  that we would not see each other. How many times had I told him not to see me if he is having problems? He just never listens.
  So it all changed. I didn't have to ask what the message said. I didn't want to know. We finally got to my house. I opened my garage door with my presser and he looked the other direction. Not one word. I got out. And I went into the house. I turned around to see his truck backing out of my driveway. And I said to myself, "I guess he's going home."

And that is the life with a bipolar man. You never know what it going to happen 5 minutes later.

Another big mistake of mine was calling him, "I thought you were coming in for pie."
He hangs up on me.
I call again because I am angry.
He hangs up again.
I call again, and he finally picks up, with a, 'WHAT???"
I said I thought you were coming in. He says, you don't even talk to me the whole way home why would I go in and be miserable? I said, You didn't talk to me either..I wasn't going to say you could of at least been a gentleman and helped me in and let me at least get out on a dry street...but that would of started a WAR..A war I have been down many times before, and with my heart issue, I have to stay calm.  But thats a lame excuse. The truth is, I hadn't been saying anything for years way before I got AFIB because if I did, there was hell to pay. With dealing with his nasty texts and disappearing acts. S I did all I could to say, "it was annoying with the rain and water everywhere and I was trying to stay calm, I am trying to rest my heart." And he said, "then go rest your heart." He didn't sound all that mean then,but then it was all boiling up, and I hung up on him. What was wrong with me that I had to always give him back his own medicine?
  Had I known this was going to happen, I could of went to see Nick, and bask back in the memories of all the fun, all the times we took the town by storm, me, Jen and Nick, and Jay, before he died. Jen moved south, Nick moved to Europe and Jay passed away. I felt abandoned. But I had him. But now I didn't even have that. But as Jay would say, how much? How much did you? How many times was he gone? The truth was, Jay was right. This wasn't the first episode of him leaving over something so unimportant. But after many years got to realize how his mind worked. You just didn't know what was going to set him off. I many times said he created this because he was a sabotager. That he lived on drama. That he was bored with things if weeks went by and everything was peaceful.
  I had grand hopes. for the last 2 years he had been good. A few episodes but nothing major. Then his son returned. And they all came back. It was time I faced that they never were going to end.

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3060903 tn?1398565123
by Nighthawk61, Oct 13, 2015
You write so beautifully, like a professional writer ... your journals are just beautifully written friend,



3060903 tn?1398565123
by Nighthawk61, Oct 13, 2015
What you have to consider , to look within about, is why would you want him to come into the house at all, after being such a cad to you on the drive home ?

3060903 tn?1398565123
by Nighthawk61, Oct 13, 2015
Please know that i know how scary it would be for me to be without anyone special in my life.

If you must keep this bf in your life, in that you don't end it, while you are looking into dating others, you could do that, if it makes the transition easier for you. (as long as you can keep this drama out of your mind while moving forward; and are able (plan on) breaking things off when you meet someone you want to date.

please think about it. there are possibilities for you. don't let them fall  by the wayside friend.

3060903 tn?1398565123
by Nighthawk61, Oct 13, 2015
I love the title of this piece. You got that right.:)

15621123 tn?1441799456
by Walnut66, Oct 14, 2015
Thank You  Night Hawk. It is hard through so many disappointments, that once you hit 50 your like..am I going to spend the rest of my life alone? Well, I weigh it like this, my options are, whether I want to live the rest of my life alone, because the possibility of meeting someone which I could work with are pretty slim, Its just so hard to meet people at my age. And I also think..ugh do I really even have it in me to go down that road again? So I weigh it like this..either putting up with how he can be, the drama which I have had for years, or to be alone, not to weigh in bringing or dating anyone because who even knows if I would even get asked out again LOL.. SO i think it like this, I have my art, which is my hobby and something I love to do..I can paint, and draw and do crafts which I love, that, at least I have that.
The truth is he will be good when he is getting along with his son. But when he's not, he takes it out on me. And with my health now, I have to put myself first. Well it has been weeks and I have not heard from him. He's made no contact with me. Makes me think he's already had his eye on someone else. This happened 5 years ago, and he met someone else, took her to hang out with all our friends. It didn't work with her and he came back. I really wish I got out then. But luckily right now, he has not contacted me. I won't contact him. Maybe this time he will leave for good and not return, maybe he's met someone at the gym. I just know him, if he's not at me, he's for someone else, he's not the kind of guy that will be alone, needs a caretaker/ mommy figure. Its funny after the book, Stop being a caretaker, I saw so much of myself in that role. I never realized it before, how bipolar he really was and how much our relationship was on and off and full of control. I know thats it. That I stopped doing the things in the caretaker role and why he hasn't contacted me.
Nighthawk if I keep him in my life I will constantly be on the ferris wheel. Like in the book I see he won't ever change.

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