Mar 27, 2010
Its been roughly 9 mos since being officially diagnosed with MS. Its funy, looking back, I remember feeling elated that I had an answer and I wasn't crazy after all! My husband had just left for Iraq for a year 2 weeks earlier..I spent 6 weeks last summer in WA state at an MS Center getting dx, tratment plans, PT..Seeing family..It was a whirlwind.
Then I came home. I was happy to see my furry babies and was busy getting my youngest back to school. Then, one day, for no particular reason, I woke up and fell into the deepest, darkest black hole of hopelessness.. I began not getting dressed, putting makeup on, or eating.
I literally could not stop crying. I had this sudden realization that I was permenantly ruined due to the lesion on the pons causing me to never walk right..balance was the main problem... I wouldn't golf, or hike, take walks on sandy beaches..party in Vegas ever again. Not that I avidly did those things to begin with, but to have them taken off the table was devastating!
I remember being so angry and feeling worthless to everyone, that I didn't care if I lived or died. I knew I didn't have the guts to take my husband's gun and shoot myself, or overdose on pills, so I slowly began killing myself by starving. I lost 40 lbs in 3 months. I didn't want to eat, because I just didn't care anymore. I wouldn't take calls from anyone...not family, friends, my husband..After 2 weeks of solid crying, I finally called my neuro up in Seattle and asked him for something to help with depression. I was embarrassed to ask, but desperate for help.
My dad has had MS for about 30 yrs..he is now in a wheelchair and is considered Primary Progressive. He lived with this for at least 20 yrs without being physically impaired. He hunted, fished, ski'd and was very active in the outdoors. I still feel angry that he got 20 yrs without really changing his life.
I went from 1 day being absolutely fine, to the next, walking into walls, doorways, not being able to do the career I was in school to do...Hair! I somehow managed to graduate and got my license, but always tipping and swaying will not work while I am cutting someone's hair. Even going to interviews is impossible because I can't walk straight into the interview without looking drunk or on drugs.
I have to find the silver lining, but its a faint sparkle at times. I was initially soo relieved to know I didn't have a tumor or cancer..I was glad to have MS. Now....not so much. I have a great fear of my marriage falling apart due to this stress of being married to a person with an incurable disease. My husband is absolutely wonderful. He is a good dad, very family oriented. But there is always that little part of my brain that warns me that I should never be too comfortable. My husband might get tired of not getting to go places and do things all because of me.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I have always been very proud and never one to ask for help. I always envisioned my future with my husband as one where we travelled, walked thru castles, Disneyland, hiking..Now, so many things I just won't be able to do. It takes the fun out of going anywhere. I am a hassle to deal with.
Plus- I hate pity! I actually stay away from friends and family because they look at me differently, they don't come over to talk to me..probably because it makes THEM uncomfortable.
This is where the anger comes in. I don't want to be different. This disease is not contagious. I just wish that I were like other MS people who don't outwardly show any problems. They are sill able to work, wear high heels..go out for drinks with their friends,,,I miss those things.
If I were to ever be single, I would have to move in with my parents again. I get no SSDI. I don't feel that anyone would want to be with me with all the baggage that comes along. Thats just my seriously negative opinions. I try to have a positive outlook on life, but occasionally, the demons get in.
Maybe tomorrow will be better...