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pych ward

Jul 18, 2008 - 4 comments

there was nothing left except panic, id had speed , alcohol was working full time drinking full time, panic stricken, paranoid, searching for reasons my girfriend was cheating on me. Id come home pissed and call her names, i ended up rolling of the floor crying my eyes out, by this time she couldnt give a **** about me, i treated her so bad she was cold and didnt give a ****, i injected 100 of units of insulin and started to cut myself so i could feel something other than the complete worthlessness that had consumed me, i had nothing to sedate me, its kinda foggy but she called  an ambulance and they came and picked me up, once in hospital i felt so much better i had people racing around caring for me and i calmed down like nothing had happened, they would not let her in to see me, said it would make me worse, i remember them letting me out to have a smoke and i saw her and her mother sitting in the waiting room i held my head down, but could not understand why i couldnt just go home, i mean i felt normal and fine, why couldnt i just go home with her and watch tv. Oh how wrong i was, i was emitted to the psychiatric ward and filled with valium and temazepam, for three days, i tried to call my girlfriend but she turned her phone off, her mother told me to leave her the **** alone, i had no one, my own mother went on a holiday upon hearing i was in the hospital. I spent three days in there doped up. when  i finally got out of there i got home my house was locked i had to break in, so i thought **** this and went and drank untill i could not feel anything of the lonelyness that had already caused me to try and kill myself in the first place. I bought a phone in a desperate attempt to try and contact the one i loved who wanted nothing to do with me, i finally got back home and broke in to my own appartment, and everything had gone she took the bed and everything we shared, it was so cold i had to lie on the floor without a blanket pissed and still feeling desperate, i wanted to die i thought there would be SOMEONE there when i got out but there was nothing not even a blanket to keep me warm. i passed out and woke to three police men waking me up. the girl next door heard me break in and heard me crashing around and she knew i was suicidal and thought cause i had nothing knowone that i was sure to pull off my suicide , and she called the police to come and check on me, i didnt know what to say to them, ive never been so ******* alone in my entire life. There was nothing for me NOONE, all i had was money in the bank , bought morphine drank alcohol did anything to keep me from killing myself, i was drink full bottles of whiskey and eating 20 valium at a time, i could not handle the way i felt and the lonelyness, what ever numbed me i took, i didnt care if i died, i didnt want to die i just wanted to not feel this way anymore.

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401786 tn?1309155634
by Jacqui805, Jul 18, 2008
Wow dude....I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...I understand why you're feeling the way you are...I can't say it's all ok, wouldn't even try to, 'cause it's not...but I will say, that although it's little consolation for anything, things often have a way of getting better over time...and although no new people that may come into your life can replace the one's you've lost, they are to be appreciated...and eventually, hopefully, you'll come to a place where you can not only do that, but to also learn to put this all in a place that's safe for you, and stop thinking about it all has lost opportunities and instead, more as lessons learned.  It's okay to grieve these things.........

Avatar universal
by NautyOne, Jul 18, 2008
Wow......that was an "E" ticket ride........did you ever think of writing a book.  Something tells me you have a lot more to say.  

Peace, my friend.......Peace

Luv,
Nauty............

Avatar universal
by jennysjb, Jul 18, 2008
you have to quit the drugs and alcohal. People wont reject you and I promise you wont be alone. Call out to the man upstairs! He's for real. I couldnt do it without him. I was in your shoes. I'm so sorry your going through this. Dont give up. Your worth more than that.

547883 tn?1218796026
by genix, Jul 19, 2008
thanks people, that entry was like two years ago, my journal is nearly all old stuff, im just jotting it down as i remember it, my life is quite comfy now, but thanks for all the care, it's not the man upstairs that helps me most its you PEOPLE that really do it for me

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