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online journels LOL

Apr 01, 2010 - 1 comments

















bi polar

   always laughed at them haha,  specially after seeing a thing on youtube saying how you can now even write your deepest stuff in an online PASSWORD PROTECTED place, lol.   made me lauhg

idk thats what popped in my head when i saw u could write journels.   idk if anyone can even see this or read it.   and like why would you want to?  w/e though i live mine u live urs its good.   anyways uh guess whule were here i got like.. this new dual diagnosis thing today for bipolar and drug addiction.   ive been clean now for about a year from my previous drugs of choice.   last run around since boys ranch/wilderness was ecstasy and anything that could make you hallucinate.  was a "Psychedelic Wonder.        probably why i like neurological stuff so much, specially after watching my own brain chemistry change and now with HPPD.   id even know if ive got it like,   k well i know i have it cuz well straight up my perception shifts in different places and areas with different atmospheres.   my view on myself and the world^.   im way to susceptible to empathy. way too much.,   also , i still hallucinate.   things change, move, shift, change.. lol.    like shrooms kinda.    and things appear that arent there, also shadows shift on me, i see people out of corner of eye, etc.   i can see why it seems scary, and it did used to frighten me.   but ive been doin it for 2 years now so... its just life.   granted it spooks me, cuz its always unsuspecting.   liek a haunted house, u know its there but dont know when then bam.   then ur kinda pissed but u play it off cool cuz ur with ur girl.  yea.

anyways im just finishing up treatment at the gathering place i bee nthere for about eight months now.. 9?    yea eight.  and now dual.

i think its lame but i realize that ive got a gnarly dependance on drugs.    and its not that i like to get high, like high is good but ive wasted the amphetamine part of my brain so now if i do any upper i get all locked up more than i do and its just kind of hellish. Vyvanse *****!

klonapin is my Best freind right now.   i love it.  but i ran out about  a month ago.. or like 3 weeks.   and i cant get refill for another 2 weeks. lol.    i love pain,   getting hurt is, idk it feels good.   i broke my wrist about this time last year longboarding down this gnaryl hill i found, its on youtube.   but yea i got goin over 40 and hit a wall, i say 40 to be nice but it was more like 50, speed limit on hill was 35 and i was flyin past the cars lol,  ..flyin..      uh but yea its like 520 am right now, i got up at 1130 yesterday morning, but that night i was awake till six am from same time day before so..    i think im actually really really really effing manic right now.   at least from looking at my recent sleep pattern hhaha.    its great.       but yea.    its like my friggin 3rd year in college.   im about to flunk out.,   i feel so bad.     like crap.   seriously???

my first year is understandable cuz i was still struggling with substance.   the next one was getting over it, and the other 3 ive been tryin but with bi polar u go thru times where u honestly really just dont care.. like at all.    so i havent been doing well.   im pushing myself though i need to get above a 2.0 to get back in. i had to petition to get back in this semster.  im at a 1.75 now.   if i fail this semester im back down to a 1.25 or lower.     its gay man frigin i had like a 3.0 or above in high school..

i hope this round of sobriety does well,  im pretty good about it i dont even chill with any of my poth ead freinds anymore,  but yea.  its sad seeing it from the outside, cuz i guess i am doing really well.    but i literally dont do anything, and meeting people is not as hard as ive made it up to be.   its easy,  just gotta take a step.    so quit yo trippin an get back on yo feet.      dude uve been in this spot for longer than a minute.   get goin!
uh anyways yea journal thing.         dam i am manic huh?   lol    ehy if anyones reading this i wonder if anyones from utah?   cuz if u are dont bvring up u read this till we make a decent freindship.   haha, that'd just be wierd.  but dang.
oh frickin.    alkaline trio man
man i miss them, or did miss them, i have, missed the,m.    their nice and positive, and actually have a message behind the meaning, or lyrics.     but yea,, its better than hip hop.    not the new stuff like lil wayne. he's just a *****.   na the underground. like rhymesayers.      thats real.  but a lot of it is,   idk acid generated.    alot of it or even all of it revolves around marijuana and of the sorts.   theyre not extreme like all for all drugs.   just the regular pothead life.   weeds shrooms and the occassional psychedelic.    and beer.    music for the regulating.

thats so far gone now.

alkaline is like what i listened to back when i started  this trip.   16,   so 14-16 years old. and 17. 17-18 was like techn9ne. 18 till now has been rhymesayers; atmosphere, sage francis, aesop rock, brother ali, zion i, the grouch, P.O.S.    underground hip hop.

anyways i could keep writing but i wont for now. laswt bit was gunna be on music.    trippy

anyways peace :)

have a good one

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1265795 tn?1270116208
by drewser2, Apr 01, 2010
WOW.   wrote a lot

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