Jul 20, 2008
There's never a good time to stop taking drugs.
There's also not really a great time to start taking drugs either, since one leads to the other, you end up having to stop doing the drug at some point.
However, there's a point of vulnerability and trust that any patient has when in acute pain.
I hear that; "You need to research any drugs before you take it line ... " and it never convinces me of anything EXCEPT that the person saying this has usually never hit a 9 or a 10 on the pain scale. 10 being the most amount of pain you could possibly stand before losing consciousness.
I remember only vaguely saying something like, "Ok so this isn't a narcotic and won't make me feel horrible and it isn't addictive?"
Yes yes yes .. Oh it is not a problem ... no no no it's is the best thing for chronic pain.
So, they were very very very wrong about Tramadol. I thought it was great because they told me it was great. It wasn't ever great. It cut the pain a little bit. Enough to still remind me that "I was a chronic pain patient." Not enough to make it pleasant or easier and then it turned on me ... made the pain worse... tried to make me dead dead dead. You have heard the story, Morning Glory!
So it is a little after 1am here. I'm not asleep cause I have a headache. Feels like a migraine, but it isn't a true one .. it's one of the Faux-migraines I am getting from the faux-opiate I was on! *kicks tramadal ... hard.*
I had a way too busy day. Not as physical, but lots of strange emotional situations thrown at me today and there was one point where I felt like hiding in the backroom of the office. Actually it was when called my husband to say, "Hi. I think I am going to hide back here with the filing cabinet for the rest of the day." ;-) It was too much attention and I got a flash of the early withdrawal symptom of being freaked out by other people. I had to kinda laugh at my sweet husband cause he said when I told him how anxious I was, "Yes, but there's no immediate danger. Nothing bad is happening." LOL!! I said, "Yeah I know. And even THAT FACT freaks me out! It's the drugs man! My brain feel fried!" Look out kid, it's somethin' you did!!
The headache didn't start pounding until after I found out that a cousin eloped ... basically and it made me feel so sad. The wedding plans were a mess; but still, her Mother and sister weren't there. I watched the short video of them being married with her Mom and ... I guess I felt such sadness radiating out of her. She did say, "I wish she had been married in the Church." :( I felt bad for her sister, they are very very close. And she was not there. I am sure that is when the faux-migraine reappeared.
Alot of anger today, alot of emotion. Too many voices ... too much emotion.
I told my Husband about the, "drug thoughts." He was very stunned by the severity of the thoughts. But then, so am I! It's some more brain surgery up there tonight. Feels again like brain surgery. Someone is reattaching wires.
I know for sure that there was just way too much emotion for me to handle without throwing my into a physical tailspin. I spoke with my friend whose Fiance jumped out a window in France two months ago today. I was stunned when he said it had been 60 days. I have been cold turkey for 30 days ... So I started to allow myself to run out of pills 60 days ago.
He talked alot about how hard it is for him to find a therapist. Two horrible insensitive put their claws into him. One "treated him like a science experiment," And one said to him, "Well if your Fiance killed herself, she must have had severe mental illness and so what were you even doing in a relationship with her?"
Nice! (said sarcastically) Needless to say he's never going back. There was alot of tragedy today. He said that part of him wants to die. Part of him doesn't want to be here alive anymore ...
He said, "I don't feel better when I am awake, I don't feel better when I am asleep. I don't feel better if I am super active and I don't feel better if I am 'relaxing.' Every five seconds my brain says her name."
Seriously I just wanted to burst into tears. She was only 31. And yes, she had un medicated mental health issues, no therapy, no "help." He blames himself for not being there to save her. But of course he couldn't because the only person who could have saved her ... was her. And she couldn't do it.
A suicide is like a pebble dropped into the center of a very still lake. The ripples touch every person that person ever came into contact with. Literally everyone; because we are all connected. Her tragedy and the severity of it and the FACT that I was having Suicidal Ideation BECAUSE of Tramadol (how do I know? Cause it vanished almost immediately and only returns if I go onto physical overload ... too hungry, angry, lonely or tired ....) Scared me into stopping the pills.
So I lay here ... with a head that feels hurty. At Day 30. I function well at least 50% of the day. Even on a crash and burn day now .. I function at 50%. That started to be true on Day 25.
Some days I get 90%! But not lower than 50% which is amazing. A true testament to the ability of the body to heal itself given the right tools and ... well ... if you remove the poison.
When I feel an energy dip, I drink more water which is spiked with powdered vitamins (EmergenC) ... Every hot shower I take I use the mineral salts by Queen Helene. Lavender. This stuff is amazing. Super duper high mineral content in there. Not expensive, east to find.
Still zero appetite. Which is so completely crazy. How dies it Do that!? Too bad they can't filter whatever effect THAT is and help people wh suffer with obesity and eating disorders huh? DOC for me, was food. From 18-to 32. Weight up and down. Six years and holding at goal weight soon! And guess what, Chicken Butt, my back doesn't hurt. I can feel my sciatic nerve, but it isn'tr painful. You know how amazing that is? To gofrom ... "Just take more ... take more you aren't taking enough!" to ... "OK so I guess the key to staying outta pain is to NOT take pills huh? Wow. Who knew! Can I get a refund on that last 5 years please? I wanna talk to the Manager!!!"
One day at a time. I know people look at 30 days and say, "You are outta the woods kid!!!"
To quote the wise and good man who calls himself The Eagle; (and he is well named indeed)
" ...the basic rap - the only easy day was yesterday - and fear will kill you - it is a fight. It should be treated as a war. For the rest of your life.... "
Love and healing,