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Crazy?....about the maternal figure

Apr 03, 2010 - 0 comments







single mother




love & anger





I definitely have this love hate relationship going on with my mother.  I hate her for things she has done for me and the things she continues to do to me.  But I know that now as an adult I should have controll of what I allow her to do.  So I guess in a sense I confuse love with boundaries.  When I am open with my mother i always take her advice mainly because she likes to tell people what to do, that's all she's done my entire life growing up, so i'm just comfortable with her making decisions for me.

So now I've graduate from a college I never wanted to attend, I don't feel like I've learned anything, I can't find a job at all, I have ran up two credit cards from listtening to her advice, I paid for and missed out on a mission trip to Africa, and a lot of things that I have never done or did wrong from taking her advice over my own conscious thoughts.

but things have always been crazy well tense between my mother and I.  I haven't spoken with her in 6 months, by my decision, not hers.  At first I couldn't talk to her because I had so much rage in me I wanted to kill for the first time in my life.  But now I'm more at ease with everything.  I don't really have a huge problem not talking to her.  It's just that it would feel normal.  I'm afraid that when I do talk to her again, it will be her not listening to what I have to say and blaming me for the time that has passed.

When I have children, I don't want her to be left alone with my kids.  She is mean and controlling behind closed doors and is a different way around certain people.  I don't want my kids to be confused nor mistreated the way I was while growing up or the way I see my mother mistreat the kids of others who she watches from time to time.

I always thought that spanking, pushing, beating, running water over a childs head, choking, smacking, and punching was normal.  Well it was normal in my family, but as an adult I now know that everyone doesn't discipline that way.  And I have taken on the challenge of watching many children from different backgrounds and I have only had to put my hands on 1. and that is because she was seriously hurting another child. (I put her in an approved restraint for my place of work).  words and action mean everything.  I will try my best to keep spanking away from my children.  I don't think it's completly wrong, but I don't think that with the training that I have that it's necessary. Plus I'm afraid that I may take it too far, as did my mother.

Well I was just thinking.  nothing to boohoo about just typing some thoughts to see if I get any responses since I didn't quite see a forum relating to my issue

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