Dec 02, 2015
We've been wanting to get pregnant for a while now. We've counted the days ourselves, used an ovulation monitor, sought out ovulation medication (clomid, levetral); and nothing happened. We've gotten positive words from our OBGYN that we'll likely get pregnant as all tests show us both to be healthy adults, and still nothing. We went to a specialist would said the exact same thing to us, prescribed us new medication and performed a couple of IUI's on us; still nothing. However, the RE did define us as "unidentified infertile". Which, turns out there's a bucket for healthy people that can't get pregnant and no one can tell them why. The emotional let down of all of this is hard to describe. When you're down and discuss with friends, they typically don't understand, and some of them even say "well, you're trying too hard, it'll only happen when you're not trying". Or the best is their overalll judgment of whether or not you're suitable and/or ready to be a parent. I hate those comments.
To me, I already am a mother, now to 2 children I will never get to meet or hold in my arms. Their existence was very much within me and right now my husband and I are grieving the loss of our 2nd miscarriage.
We took a break from counting days and timed sex to not think of all that crap before we made the plunge into IVF. During this 3 month break we've educated ourselves on IVF medications, what it's going to take and cost for all of this. I have months of pills (vitamins, folic acid, baby aspirin) all setup for me to begin taking in December - 1 month before the big IVF happens.
Out of nowhere, we find out we're pregnant and got pregnant naturally, no pills at all. And to my friends point, we weren't even trying. We were ecstatic. After everything we've been through, it was a relief and comical, we absolutely laughed at God's timing on this. We celebrated Thanksgiving with our families and told them the great news, (we chose to tell them earlier than suggested as they have been along this journey with us too, parents were the only ones told). And then, I started spotting at work on Monday. Then all out bleeding. I knew this wasn't good and likely would end (call me jaded since all I've ever known is a miscarriage). Heartbroken. My doctor phoned me that evening confirming my blood count HCG dropping. We are devastated. This was our chance to be a normal couple with a normal pregnancy and have normal excitement. Instead, it ends in tears and kind words to one another. We are heartbroken.
I'm not sure what our next steps will be or what God has in store for us. I do know that I married the right man. When life has us down, there's no one else I want standing beside me than him. I have a calmness about me this time that I know everything will be alright (and made complete) eventually - If you're going through a miscarriage, I do wish you the same calmness and knowledge that you are not alone and that what God starts he does complete.
I will still pray for a full-term pregnancy and a healthy child. Hopefully our prayers will be answered soon.