Jul 21, 2008
Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Breathe in Faith...
Breathe out Fear...
Happy Day 32!
Slept 9 solid hours, woke up feeling HAPPY!
Three steps backwards yesterday, seven steps forward this morning!
To me it it beyond impressive! Because three months ago (while I was on a maximum amount of Tramadol with soma and then on top of it; a tumbler of wine at night just to try to get some pain relief) I asked my husband, "Do you think there is something now seriously wrong with my back? I mean have I messed it all up somehow by working all these years?"
He said, "Yes, I think you need the surgery." (He's kinda a man of few words)
I stared in disbelief. I replied, "They have an actual medical code called 'Failed Back Surgery.' They use the code alot. I also know that one surgery leads to two and three and more. I also know that hey can accidentally kill you during any surgery."
Little piece of core steel contained inside my GUT, "Said slowly and clearly, you don't need surgery. You need to get of these pills."
I didn't listen for awhile. The gut voice is hard for me to hear, and understand and act on, but I always know it spoke! At least my core knew the Tramadol was the problem. I think I was so out of it that it took an extreme "full body organ shake down" to get my attention. Which was of course, my friend's fiance throwing herself out of a window in France. I. myself was at the point of suicidal ideation. So, it shook me all night along! That event and the conversations around it picked me up and shook me like a rabid dog shakes a rag doll.
That was when I started to allow myself to "Run out of the pills."
When I think about how I could have had the surgery because of Tramadol, it makes me feel crazy with anger at this system of medicine! What in the world are we doing to people?
It's like that kind man who came on and wrote about his wife's experience. You don't go around screaming, "Lupus! Lupus!" Before you know anything! It's unethical to do so!
So I read somewhere that day 30, 60 and 90 are tough for people. In my case Day 31.
Here it is Day 32 and I can say that 95% of what was present last night has now vanished. No idea where it went but I guess someone finished their brain surgery that they did all day yesterday on me. I had a weird headache that split my face into my right eyeball across the top of my head, and my sinuses were super dry. Painfully dry along with my eyeballs! I told my husband because he asked me .. "Why are you holding your head like that?"
Yeah, like putting actual pressure on my head and pressing helped. I told him what was happening. It was it was kind of following the pattern of a neurological migraine, but not matching it. Fake Drug Voices were saying, "You're having a STROKE!" Idiot drug voices.
Husband said, "That sounds like some kind of drug thing to me."
Almost everyone I know knows more about drugs than I do. I did no recreational drugs (Pot makes me paranoid, and only once did it get me happy and high and that was the first time I tried it at 25!) And I didn't even take drugs for anything other than an occasional migraine. Which disappeared when my last bad job disappeared. Miracle of miracles!
Yeppers! So, the pain, it's no longer there. Neither are the constant chorus of drug thoughts which yesterday were making me feel C-c-crazy! I actually feel energy coursing thru my whole body. Yesterday again, walking thru MUD. Sunglasses on.
I just am not naturally the type of person who wakes up tired. On Tramadol, I woke up tired every single day. I needed Tramadol to "wake up." Now I know I was physically dependant on it. I wish I had the memory to recall when I started to take it. Now I am think it might have been 5 years, maybe 5 and a half? The accident was in 2000. I can't really recall.
Anyhow I woke up yesterday and thought ... OK I need a list of UPPERS!..
Cause the effect was yes, depression (not normal, never had it), Anxiety (that I have, but it is not depression at all, it's straight up anxiety and there's a huge difference between the two. They are first cousins maybe!? But they are NOT, for me, intra related.) Today I have strange sinus symptoms. Drainage on one side, dry eyes. I don't get sinus problems and I don't get dry eyes! Since I am blaming it all on withdrawal; I'm going to blame this symptom too. Headache is goners.
Yesterday; I felt like I was physically back at say; Day 5. No joke.
And today I feel like I am at Day 32. Three steps back yesterday; seven steps forward today. CRAZZZZEEEE!
But hey, I'll take it! 32 days! Woo Hoo!
Love and healing,