Jul 23, 2008
I thought that I had better start to write something down, I was supposed to be keeping a weekly journal but have become so lazy that I haven't even bothered to do something so simple.
My thoughts today are turning towards Medhelp and how much help is it really to us. Don't get me wrong, there really are some fantastic people on this site and I have met a good few friends that are very supportive to me and are going through the same things that I am. At the same time though is it really good for an anxiety sufferer to concentrate all day every day on their anxiety and to me this seems what most of the regulars including myself are doing on here. We scroll through the pages looking for the next anxiety post that we can relate to or share some experience and impart any wise words of wisdom that we may have to the poor sufferer that has had to resort to posting their story on the net. Whilst it is good to help others and realise that we are not freaks of nature and we are far from alone in this world or panic and anxiety how are we ever going to recover if we are constantly thinking about the anxiety that we are suffering from. We may say that we are not thinking about it but if you are logging on the the anxiety forum every day, and in mycase probably about 10 times per day, then of course we are thinking of it and not only that we are letting anxiety into our lives constantly whether or not we actually feel anxious ourselves.
I think that I have become addicted. At the moment I am using the same type of behaviour as If I were having an affair. I hide the fact that I am always on Medhelp from my husband. I will have two pages open on the internet so that if i hear him coming i can quickly swap to the other page which will display something harmless like facebook or hotmail. When he asks have I been on it I lie and make up an aliby, for example ' How could I have been in it I have cleaned the house, looked after our child and been shopping'. The truth of the matter is I spend far less time then I should on the activites that I descibe to him than I do on concentrating on my symptoms and Medhelp. Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with my husband, he has put up with more than most men would from me and I hate liars and I never lie but now I have found myself doing this to cover up my illicit love affair with Medhelp and the users that grace these pages daily.
I have come to realise that I am not helping myself by spending so much time focussing on my anxiety by visiting medhelp but I also know that the truth of the matter is that I cannot give this site up!
They should really think about issuing a warning with this site and perhaps a help group like medhelp annon to help people wean themselves off it before it becomes too late. Will I ever go any length of time without logging on, will I one day forget completely about this site and never log on again? At the moment the answer is No but who knows what the future will bring.
Anyway, gotta run I need to see what has happened on the axiety forum whilst I have been writing this journal entry.