Jan 27, 2016
So maybe I just don't feel like cooking tonight. But this morning, as I looked outside to the snowy landscape I said, "you know what Princess, your a selfish *****."
I do feel selfish because I didn't want to do it anymore, and ironically thinking since he's been gone, its been so peaceful in my home. It has been too nice that I don't have to slave at the stove. No more walking on egg shells. Yet at the same time, I feel a lot of pain, because of the love lost. When I think of his laughter and how much fun I had with him, on those nice days. That is the killer of the whole ideal-the nice days. There could be a good month of NICE DAYS but then, out of the blue, the devil was back. I keep thinking, maybe I am the one thats crazy and overreacting and everyone has a temper and loose control once in a while. That his behavior may be a little extreme, but its not that bad that I have to end my entire relationship with him. But then I think, how much I am virtually ill from his anger that I say, I can never go through this again. In how it makes me feel, so bad I am up nights unable to sleep, because of the thought of loosing him because I got angry for him for dealing with his anger. There was times I would lie in bed and feel the shakes, at 2..3..4 in the morning. I also had to admit, I lost a good job at the gallery because of stress on one of our 300th breakups. But I blame myself for allowing it to get to me.
"The trouble with him is how he reacts to the mishaps that happen in life," said the witch woman who reads my cards. I had to admit she was right. He could be such a charming, comfortable person to be around, but if something bad happened in his day, he was a nightmare to live with. He would vent for hours, pacing with his bitching and complaining and yelling about this person which did this to him, and my night would be able trying to make the peace, or possibly trying to tune him out for my own sanity.
"Everyone ******* and moans," my friend Kat would say. "It just depends on how much."
One thing which was true which everyone would say, was how he overreacts about things that really aren't that bad. He would get so angry about things that the normal person would just shrug their shoulders at. Is it weakness? Is it insecurity? I would often spend hours wondering.."why is he like this?" He would get so mad that he would yell so loud and my cat would run under the bed. What about the time he bitched at me for not wanting to make gravy. He would go on and on in how I just don't care because I don't want to do anything for him, he would go on about how much I never do anything for him, and I would think I was selfish, again.
"And you are going to forget the time he stomped out of your house slamming the door because you didn't want to go walking?" Jay said.
"How many times had you cooked a big dinner for him to walk out with a scream, 'I'm not eating your food!!"
I had to remember all this when I was feeling sorry, and feeling like maybe it was me, maybe I am just too self centered to put up with it all.
I am not sure if it just my obsession for the lust we had, the control he had over me, or just the loneliness that makes me want to call him, and say that its ok he had another outburst.
And then, there is that angel that always appears in the foyer in my house and says, "really?"
How can you lose yourself in a room full of mirrors, when you know the truth is in the reflection?