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It's kinda funny

May 05, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

self censor

,

lying to myself

,

waffles

,

college

,

shei

,

cupcakes

,

YAP

,

check in

,

Anxiety

,

devra

,

happy pills

,

steve

,

skate park

,

independence

,

clingy

,

jason derulo- In my head

,

blushing

,

chewing cheeks

,

mutilation

,

Chest Pain

,

calm down



how I censor myself in my own mood tracker. I censor my own mind, not knowing who else might be in there. Nobody reads this, but I still feel like writing things down would make them too true. Everyone would know and they wouldn't be mine anymore.

So something bad happened this morning, but it really doesn't matter by now. I hope. I nauseated myself by worrying, didn't eat my waffles, and all the chocolate chips gathered at the bottom of my backpack.

And yeah. It's a long day. I was tired. And it's hot out. And yeah.

Someone came to English to talk about college and stuff. But I had to leave early. I almost forgot my cupcakes, and picked up Shei. My cupcakes were unreadable, but I tried =/
Went to YAP and fed evreyone cupcakes. Royally screwed up my check in. My anxiety is coming back. I don't know, but in the lst few days it's just sky rocketed. I'm not sure what to do. I know Devra's just going to try to take away my happy pills, and I can't let her do that.

Uhm, I dropped Shei off and Caelan was singing..I think. And Steve wanted me to be home so I could come over for an hour then he would go to the skatepark and I'm like what? And then I had to leave so he came over and stayed till 9 and it was ok, but I felt so stupid asking him a million times if it was ok I didn't skateboard, and did he want to go? He didn't have to spend tme with me being boring and everything else that crossed my mind. And at YAP- I spend half my time trying to stay close to Shei so she knows I want to be, and the other half trying to look independent so she doesn't think I'm annoying and clingy. Even though I am. Why not try to change right now?
But I dropped Steve at the park at 9 and played sims and Shei says Jason Derulo- In My Head is our song and I love that song <3 I blush, in my own house, 10 minutes away, through the computer. I'm ridiculous.

One thing I've noticed- I can tell when my anxiety is going to start getting worse because I chew my cheeks. I tear them apart till they bleed and I can pull chunks of skin out of my mouth. I don't think about it when I start doing it- in fact if I'm not thinking about not doing it, I find that I'm doing it. My cheeks are mutilated inside. They used to always be when I was little. It's just a part of who I am. But I enjoyed having nice, soft cheeks for that bit of time.
I feel like my chest is going to start hurting again. Actually I know it is because it's hurt a few times now. Not often though, so I'm trying to put it off, you know? I just need to FREAKIN CALM DOWN.

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