Jul 27, 2008
" Come to the edge of the cliff, He said. They Said, We are afraid. Come to the edge, He said. They Came. He pushed them, and they flew." -Guillaume Apollinaire
Love this quote.
It's fear that keeps you from the edge. Luckily there were people here who KNEW. They knew, They pushed me, and I fly .....
Today I'm almost done having bronchitis. HAHA! Stupid Pneumonia you won't get me! DENIED!
I noticed on Day 36, for about an hour, I had auditory symptoms return. Meaning I was sitting upstairs and I could hear thru the open window, some gardeners with leaf blowers and the sound reverb's, like I am suddenly in a techno club and someone has the music turned up way way way too loud. That kinda sound t hat makes you wanna hid under a very thick blanket in a bed, or slam your hands over your ears and eyes .... Weird! When the gardeners left, the auditory symptoms vanished. And they have not returned.
Today I noticed a faux migraine. It vanished in 30 minutes.
Yesterday during the 12 hour long seminar I did some enforced yoga. The instructor (I'm not even kidding) put a boom box on playing Michael Jackson sings LOUDLY and then led us thru what was supposed to be a stretching/yoga session. I've been practicing yoga for 5 years now, so I just did the correct poses, ignored everyone else. It's so sad that I for to bring my one fingerless glitter glove right!? Darn me! It was right there on the hall table, I just forgot to put it in my bag! LOL! Kidding of course.
I got some massage type work down yesterday also. I took B-12 with me and took my vitamins (which I now do not throw up YAY!) and I didn't eat enough. I don't think about food at all anymore. Which is surreal. I also don't think abut water. So, I have to be careful and conscious. All my water is spiked with Emergen-C.
I had some annoying errands to do today and will have an annoying early morning errand on Monday (tomorrow) also. So, basically my weekend, which is usually Saturday afternoon thru Monday, return to work on Tuesday ... is gone. And it irritates me.
Not as much as the fact that I have no TeeVee! LOL! There's that one in the living room but obviously my husband isn't going to tolerate Legally Blonde or other Chick Flicks well. So we're looking at an action movie festival until I get a TeeVee. He says this one here will cost as much to fix as to buy a new one. So I asked him if I should throw it out in the trash!? ACK!
I'm wandering. Refocus .....
I eat a tons of fruit, I drink Carrot juice anytime I see a juice bar. Fresh carrot juice helps me a great deal. It's very cleansing and very grounding. I also agree that alot of protein is good.
Time heals this. It's just that, for me, Tramadol withdrawal made every minute seem incredibly long. !! days seemed like 11 years. It was due to the constant attack on my mind and on my body. That goes away. It takes time. As long as you don't take Tramadol again, it goes away.
I never wanna live thru Days 1-4 ever again.
My life is insanely busy. I could work all the time. I don't. But I could. This Tramadol threat helped me realize that my actual LIFE; being able to Breathe specifically after having Bronchitis, was at risk. So, taking the addiction DOWN ... was priority one.
I found the worst pain would occur if I would try to live past ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I simply could not handle trying to figure out HOW I was going to manage the financial ramifications. I also have employees who count on me and the bronchitis freaked them out, even though in reality it was three days. It is important to remember what is real and what is not real.
Tramadol does not help you function at a higher level. In fact, it makes you subtly stupid and slow. Unbalanced and eventually it convinces you it is "helping." But it doesn't help. I say this as a person who was on it 4-5 years and bought a bunch of books on suicidal ideation (WHICH Tramadol gave me) ... and now I have no Suicidal Ideation.
I have very little energy. Or ... let me ay it differently. My perception is that I have very little energy. However, I am not convinced that that is true. A few days ago, at Trader Joe's I was buying heavy heavy stuff and they asked if I wanted help out. Usually I would refuse. That day I said, "yea please."
As I reached the car, I turned around and the nice man who was helping me with the cart said, "Wow! You walk REALLY fast! you're strong and have alot of energy!"
I started to laugh cause that's NOT what my head is telling me. But it was obvious I had practically sprinted to the car!
Drug use should always make you question your perception.
I know Plamp is in Mexico, but I wanted to say, again. I don't have serious back pain AT ALL. I have hours of mild pain. At the moment I don't even have right leg pain.
That has not happened since pre-accident 2000. If you understood what a massive miracle that was ....
It's incredible really. But the Tramadol was poisoning me. I did EVERYTHING in my power to strengthen my back and make the Doctors wrong about the "You'll need surgery or you will be disabled."
I lost 60 pounds, became a size 4 Yogini. Freakishly strong. All the while wondering .. Hmmmm why isn't all the pain vanishing? Cause I was on Tramadol. Once I did a 100 day yoga challenge at the end of it I stopped take Tramadol. Why? Cause I had no back pain, I simply forgot! So withdrawal set in at about day 7 .... I thought I WAS DYING! unfortunately I didn't listen to my body and instead listened to a doctor who said, "Just take some Tramadol."
Pain and DEATH vanished. But ... it would have been nice if i had HAD those extra three years or four? ... So annoying.
Anyhow my point to Plamp is that often if you wait long enough the back pain and injury manages itself. There was just a year ago a study done in the LA Times that compared instant back surgery to Waiting .... ad after 5 years many pf the people who had back injury ... their pain was gone. The surgical patients had more surgeries.
Hey! Don't yell at me Man! The LA Times did the study, I'm just the messenger.
Do I feel "normal" at Day 39? No. I can tell there's a little poison left in there. I have NO CRAVINGS for Tramadol.
I feel as I felt before RIDICOUSLY happy! I was sure ... at times ... for moments when I was afraid ... (Before I learned to get angry and KILL the DRUG) .... I thought that the pain might not end. I remember reading about someone on Tramadol who went back on on Day 22. I was so sad. Because I remember that it was getting better, but the BAD hours were VERY bad and the voices of the drug .... demoralizing, demeaning, meant to send you back to the Tramadol bottle!!
Day 25 was a magic number for me. And many have told me Day 25 is magic. Every day it gets better. There's certain ... instincts i now have to avoid, like the taking of a pill when I have pain ... I take an OTT, or an ice pack. I breathe. I distract myself. A craving lasts 7 minutes. It is a fact!
You can do it.
I did it. I really really really wanted out. And i was extremely weak. I mean no memory. The taper did me alot of harm. They say that the taper makes the withdrawal easier. I am not sure if it does or not. Of course, i didn't taper slowly. I used the "let yourself run out of pills method."
I feel hopeful and I have no real reason to.
For 39 days now, everything ha taken second place to this. Which means, lots of stuff has to be cleaned up. BUT I AM NOT ON TRAMADOL and I don't NEED to be to clean it up. The important thing is; my back pain which I THOUGHT was CHRONIC is NOT. It is mainly GONE! It is at WORST; mild. Not Chronic Pain. Tramadol. *rolls eyes*
And I don't feel INSANE. The withdrawal id just an accentuation, or it was for me, of how insane I had become.
Joe, your perception of my "Support," is maybe ... a bit off. My husband and my Family knows. My workers do not and will not ever know. Because none of my Family or my Husband have taken and been dependant/addicted to Tramadol ... they are nice ... but do not understand at all. They are reading the whole 5-7 days lines ...
I mean, I am glad i am NOT lying to MORE people than I already am ....
But it does suck to have to lie. I went back to work quickly. It was like working inside a tunnel with a freeway running thru it. I felt like a giant spider. And I am not kidding. It was very unnerving.
I hope you have found the Thomas Detox. They call it the Thomas Recipe and it is on the lower right hand side.
Drugs suck. All the opiates are like Tramadol, in certain respect. But Tramadol is also unique because of it's anti-depressant mix. Never had anything kick my bu_T-T so hard and take my name like Tramadol did. Never. And it won't happen again.
I hope you are all well. Hour by hour.
Seeking better days, I hope your work was not too bad today. I used your honey trick (in some yogurt) to get my body moving today. It helped a GREAT deal!
I find surrounding myself with positive uplifting books, music or people really helps.
I also walked along in Hollywood today and listened to my iPod and enjoyed all the people. I bought a new iPod ear bud wire system and had to instantly return it and I had to laugh when the older man asked me if he had seen me before. LOL. No. Then he kept staring and asked me if I was on a TeeVee Show. LOL! I had to laugh. Nope. It's just that; I'm blonde, trim, I'm off the Tramadol so I radiate HAPPINESS like I did BEFORE the Tramadol and it's really nice!
Love and healing,
PS. Don't be afraid, get mad. It's a WAR. Make no mistake. You are fighting a cleaver, deadly and cunning drug that wants you dead.
The people I found MOST useful during the Tramadol withdrawal were all the Ex-Vets. They have the perfect FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT .... Get MAD .... out think, out endure your enemy kinda attitude it takes! Love them!!
"I have not yet begun to fight."
- Captain John Paul Jones (aboard the Bon Homme Richard)
Bon Homme fought the British ship, Serapis.
The Sarapis Captain asked if Capt. Jones wanted to surrender.
Jones yelled back, "I have not yet begun to fight!".
“By perseverance, study, and eternal desire, any man can become great.”
"Veni, vidi, vici."
(I came, I saw, I conquered)
- Julius Caesar, Roman emperor (100BC-44BC)