May 14, 2010
Today is a very bad day, a depressive day. Went to my GP last week and he gave me more oxycontin controlled release,1 every 12 hours and as these are only lasting about 6 hours, he also gave me endone to take in between. I also have to take 2 panadol every 4 hours. I also had my first depo provera shot this week.It was the 4th day of my period and my period was very heavy, but the next day I had only a few spots of bleeding and today it is a little bit of brown spotting. I still have the same pain I always have, but the period type cramps and almost gone.The tablets don't seem to be working as well as they should and I may have an hour or 2 with almost no pain if I'm lucky. But usually the pain is still in the background. I still have trouble moving and walking, even if the tablets are working. I pretty much only leave the house to go to doctors appointments and that tires me out as if I've run a marathon. I have to go back to the doctors tomorrow as I will be out of tablets. I fear that I won't be given any as the type of tablets they are, they aren't usually give out for long periods of time as they are very addictive. I know I will be able to get them, but there is that fear in my mind as I know I cannot function without any strong pain relief. I worry too about the effects of taking the medication for a long time. I had an experience when they could find my pain a few years ago and I was on endone for 8 months!. after my hernia surgery, I was taken off them and had severe withdrawal. It was a very hard and scary time. My surgery isn't for another 9 weeks and from the last few ultrasounds I have had, the mass seems to be growing almost half a cm a week. I really wonder how big it will be in 9 weeks and what my pain will be like then if it continues to grow like. I was in a lot of pain when it was 4cm, (it was at 6.18 x4.28 a week ago) so if it keeps getting bigger quickly, I can't even imagine what the pain will be like in 9 weeks. The thought of it scares me and I think that is what has really got me down today. Seeming I have been in pain for about 2 years, although the last 6 months is when it has gotten worse by the day, I sort of think that 9 weeks if not long, but as my pain level is a 10+ and about a 7 on a good day, 9 weeks seems like forever. I think the worst thing is that having 3 kids, I feel like a bad mum that I can't do the things I want to do with them. Just going for a walk around the block with them would be great. I am really looking forward to the surgery and getting better and don't have to many days like this where I feel sorry for myself. I even feel guilty about that, I know there are many people far worse off than I am., so I always remind myself of that when I feel so depressed and low. I will be asking the doctor tomorrow if there is different painkillers that I can take that will have a better, longer lasting effect and that I won't have to be going to the doctor every 10 days to get a new script. I guess we will see how it goes.....