Apr 08, 2016
you know what i think, i think that ive never been the student who is particularly "smart", and nor will i ever be. And that saddens me greatly- that no matter how hard I've tried throughout the years. none of it was good enough, and quite frankly it was just all a stupid waste of time. And the way people see me now, is the dumb quiet girl at the back of the class, but they dont know how much i desire to speak up, and then whenever i do i feel rejected, invisible, and unimportant. I desire desperately to be one of those extroverts, who communicate with people as if social interactions were all they had to live for. But the truth is, I've always been an introvert, or just shy. And whichever one I am, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me. I should be MORE. I should be better, more bubbly and charismatic. Someone worth other peoples time... Someone worth my own time.
Goodness, I'm sick of me. And someone once told me that its okay to not be bubbly... but right now, I dont think it is. Thats all i've ever wanted to be. If only i could step out of my own head right now. I'm such an idiot. I wish i could just get on a fighting arena with these doubts and punch the heck out of them. I'm sick of trying so hard to be happy, and it getting me nowehere in the long run. I'm sick of having no one to hug me and tell me to keep going and that I will make it. I'm sick of being the motivational person on social media, yet no one ever helps me when I lack motivation. I sound like I'm not grateful. You know I am, I know people, especially my family, do so much for me. But I just want that one person that I can rely on, who i can call whenever, who I know doesn't judge me and just accepts me as i am. And maybe that person I need is me, but I just dont seem to want to cooperate at the moment.