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Rant, sorry guys

Apr 08, 2016 - 10 comments

you know what i think, i think that ive never been the student who is particularly "smart", and nor will i ever be. And that saddens me greatly- that no matter how hard I've tried throughout the years. none of it was good enough, and quite frankly it was just all a stupid waste of time. And the way people see me now, is the dumb quiet girl at the back of the class, but they dont know how much i desire to speak up, and then whenever i do i feel rejected, invisible, and unimportant. I desire desperately to be one of those extroverts, who communicate with people as if social interactions were all they had to live for. But the truth is, I've always been an introvert, or just shy. And whichever one I am, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me. I should be MORE. I should be better, more bubbly and charismatic. Someone worth other peoples time... Someone worth my own time.

Goodness, I'm sick of me. And someone once told me that its okay to not be bubbly... but right now, I dont think it is. Thats all i've ever wanted to be. If only i could step out of my own head right now. I'm such an idiot.  I wish i could just get on a fighting arena with these doubts and punch the heck out of them. I'm sick of trying so hard to be happy, and it getting me nowehere in the long run. I'm sick of having no one to hug me and tell me to keep going and that I will make it. I'm sick of being the motivational person on social media, yet no one ever helps me when I lack motivation. I sound like I'm not grateful. You know I am, I know people, especially my family, do so much for me. But I just want that one person that I can rely on, who i can call whenever, who I know doesn't judge me and just accepts me as i am. And maybe that person I need is me, but I just dont seem to want to cooperate at the moment.

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3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 08, 2016
Okay so i've thought about actual things that you can do to help yourself

You've heard the saying "fake it until you make it" and it got to thinking, what better way to learn how to become a different type of personality than to learn how to act ?

There's a lot of youtube videos on how to act Marcy. Some of them are lame but i think if you keep an open mind and relate to the information and apply it to your needs, it might help you a great deal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufpzY2kAVOU&nohtml5=False
In this video the speaker talks about the importance of "receiving" what other people are saying or doing before you "act" or speak your lines. So in keeping with that, you keep fully engrossed in what others are doing, and you react with eye contact, nodding your head, letting them know you get what their saying, smiling when they finish talking, and when it comes your time speak, you "act" like you are happy or bubbly. How to do that? and act like an actor would? You practice speaking your lines, showing the audience the emotion you want to portray. .

So find a script from a book or write a script for yourself and practice how to act like when you're talking to others and portray yourself (in the scene) as being a happy likable and interesting person. Practicing smiling when you're taking. Use your eyes and your body language to portray the emotions.

Check out "Free acting lessons on Youtube. Do so as a hobby experience. Don't obsess, just take an amount of time you can afford, and practice reading lines that show emotions physically with body language smiling etc.


(Free acting lessons" Youtube )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufpzY2kAVOU&nohtml5=False; (and continue to watch all videos following the first)

"Think of it like baking a cake  and know that you already have the cake that you've baked, and all you need to do is to put the icing on the cake" (The Heller Approach, Acting Studio.) t doesn't sound quite so ominous when you think about what you have to do Marcy, if you realize that the biggest part of what you're wanting (to appear and to be a happy go lucky person) is only a small part of what you already are..

Find a contemporary play and pick a character, and read using verbal, emotional and physical attributes.

I put "free contemporary plays" into google, and got back a list of free plays.
You can read and do each part.

One of the sites that came up was ... http://lazybeescripts.co.uk/FullLengthPlays/Default.aspx

Pick a script and practice being someone other than yourself. Get out of your own head, and act a role. You'll be setting yourself up to be able to act a certain way in front of others and not get stuck in your own obsession that you're not good enough.

What do you think ? Can you give this a try? Honestly, i think that you can make a lot of headway in your quest to play a character that is happy and content.

Love you kid, glad you sent me the message. I really think this can work for you.







3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 08, 2016
My suggestion is that you study equal parts of FREE LEARNING HOW TO ACT YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND FREE PLAY SCRIPTS. Not obsessively, but as hobby that you do for a certain amount of time daily or weekly. Your homework needs to come before anything else.

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 08, 2016
Also, giving hugs gives you the same amount of comfort as someone taking the initiative and giving you a hug.

For instance

i hug my son and husband,  everytime that i see him.
I tell my son "i love you" every time i talk to him on the phone. and he replies "I love you too Mom". (he wouldn't normally tell me "I love you" i have to illicit that response from him, I'm a mother and i'm teaching him how to say "i love you" everyday to the loved ones in his life.
When i wake up, I always say to my husband, " Good morning honey."  Every day, at least once a day \i say " Gerry ?" and he says "Ya" and i say "I love you honey" and he says "love you too".
Sometimes i say " Gerry ?" and he says, "Love you too" and i say "Love you"

It might be that your mom and grama, don't do this. That doesn't mean that they don't love each other or love you. You've heard the saying, "You get back from people what you expect from them?" If you want to expect that your loved ones show that they care physically and verbally, you have to sometimes teach them how to treat you.

I know from how I act with my loved ones, that they know that I love them. and in return, i am told that i am loved reciprocally.

Do you see what i'm saying ? You need to be the one to initiate intimacy with your loved ones. Many times with different personalities it' doesn't come naturally.

Now as far at the video go (free acting lessons) put it on in the background and take from it what you can. Not everything is totally 100% pertinent to your situation. but if you look at the big picture and see how acting lessons would help and could help you, then all of it will hold some value.

Look at the big picture. If you add up, the amount of time that a person actually spends interacting with others, it might add up to less than an hour a day. That's not a big amount of time to "act" (until it becomes natural to you). Acting like you're happy, IS something that you can learn to do.

The first thing that you need to do though, is to tell yourself everyday that you are equal to everyone else. in every way. And put that in the forefront of your thoughts.



3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 08, 2016
If you start to think that you are unhappy in any way, redirect your focus and think of another girl , your age, that is in a third world country. Imagine her not being able to find enough to eat, that her parents died when she was 3 of Aids/HIV.

Think of how she would think about you, if she could. Instead of thinking about how others perceive you in your life, imagine how others perceive you and how good you have it, and how jealous they are of your life.

Think outside the box. Stop yourself from obsessing about anything that holds negative vibes in your life. You know you have it pretty good, especially when looking in from another disadvantaged person's life. So do that, think of yourself in terms of how a disadvantaged person would view you and your life. Think about how a person who is living on the streets, and drug addicted and totally abandoned would think of you and your life. Imagine how lovely they would see you. How lucky they would see you.

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
oops, i forgot this was a journal i mixed it up with our last message together, so what right ? big deal ? go with the flow man  - don't sweat the small stuff sugar - it's all good - it's all flowin with goodness - lighten up butter cup - keep those end of the world scenarios out of your mind - nothing bad is happening - for get your conspiracy theories - everybody thinks of you as their contemporary in school - just another kid doing all the things you do in high school - you're not better off - you're no worse off - you're a percentage of the whole - and everybody accepts you as they would their sister - all you cats in school are in the same boat - nobody is better than anybody else .....and so on. Nix the conspiracy theories Marcy, nobody thinks of you as the quiet girl in the back - you're just another kid like them - just because you obsess about how smart somebody else is doesn't mean that they are judging you back - maybe if you stopped judging other girls good or bad, it might help you stop judging yourself so harshly ?

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
oops, i forgot this was a journal i mixed it up with our last message together, so what right ? big deal ? go with the flow man  - don't sweat the small stuff sugar - it's all good - it's all flowin with goodness - lighten up butter cup - keep those end of the world scenarios out of your mind - nothing bad is happening - for get your conspiracy theories - everybody thinks of you as their contemporary in school - just another kid doing all the things you do in high school - you're not better off - you're no worse off - you're a percentage of the whole - and everybody accepts you as they would their sister - all you cats in school are in the same boat - nobody is better than anybody else .....and so on. Nix the conspiracy theories Marcy, nobody thinks of you as the quiet girl in the back - you're just another kid like them - just because you obsess about how smart somebody else is doesn't mean that they are judging you back - maybe if you stopped judging other girls good or bad, it might help you stop judging yourself so harshly ?

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
oops, i forgot this was a journal i mixed it up with our last message together, so what right ? big deal ? go with the flow man  - don't sweat the small stuff sugar - it's all good - it's all flowin with goodness - lighten up butter cup - keep those end of the world scenarios out of your mind - nothing bad is happening - for get your conspiracy theories - everybody thinks of you as their contemporary in school - just another kid doing all the things you do in high school - you're not better off - you're no worse off - you're a percentage of the whole - and everybody accepts you as they would their sister - all you cats in school are in the same boat - nobody is better than anybody else .....and so on. Nix the conspiracy theories Marcy, nobody thinks of you as the quiet girl in the back - you're just another kid like them - just because you obsess about how smart somebody else is doesn't mean that they are judging you back - maybe if you stopped judging other girls good or bad, it might help you stop judging yourself so harshly ?

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
In reality , you're just another girl next door going to school for that golden ticket to get a job and feed and clothe yourself - there's no need for constant judgement of yourself or others - you're either going to take the regular amount of time to get your grade 12 or you'll take an extra year - but it really doesn't matter in the end
and a person of average intelligence deserves love and happiness just as much as those that are intellectually gifted, don't you think ? if you saw a quiet girl in the back would you judge her harshly ? is this all about your projecting your own judgmental personality ? if you don't think you would hold harsh judgments for a quiet girl , why do you suppose automatically that others are ? have more faith in humanity that your colleagues have got better things to do than to judge you harshly - be kind to others and be kind to yourself and you will have found your own humanity homey .  

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
In reality , you're just another girl next door going to school for that golden ticket to get a job and feed and clothe yourself - there's no need for constant judgement of yourself or others - you're either going to take the regular amount of time to get your grade 12 or you'll take an extra year - but it really doesn't matter in the end
and a person of average intelligence deserves love and happiness just as much as those that are intellectually gifted, don't you think ? if you saw a quiet girl in the back would you judge her harshly ? is this all about your projecting your own judgmental personality ? if you don't think you would hold harsh judgments for a quiet girl , why do you suppose automatically that others are ? have more faith in humanity that your colleagues have got better things to do than to judge you harshly - be kind to others and be kind to yourself and you will have found your own humanity homey .  

3060903 tn?1398568723
by Nighthawk61, Apr 09, 2016
In reality , you're just another girl next door going to school for that golden ticket to get a job and feed and clothe yourself - there's no need for constant judgement of yourself or others - you're either going to take the regular amount of time to get your grade 12 or you'll take an extra year - but it really doesn't matter in the end
and a person of average intelligence deserves love and happiness just as much as those that are intellectually gifted, don't you think ? if you saw a quiet girl in the back would you judge her harshly ? is this all about your projecting your own judgmental personality ? if you don't think you would hold harsh judgments for a quiet girl , why do you suppose automatically that others are ? have more faith in humanity that your colleagues have got better things to do than to judge you harshly - be kind to others and be kind to yourself and you will have found your own humanity homey .  

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