May 26, 2010
My heart hurts today as that is the only way I can explain it. In fact, I'm sure I can't explain this well at all. Today is my dear son's last day of preschool, ever. Many would say . . . "so what?!" This is cause for celebration. This is progress. This is a great milestone. All true but that does not for one second negate the sad feelings I have.
I wanted children more than anything. I longed for them for so long. A deep and thick longing that one only has for a couple of things in life. It wasn't easy to achieve my goal of motherhood and as many things that took great effort, my sense of gratification upon learning I was expecting was immense. I had my first boy 6 years ago and another boy 15 months later. Boom boom. Those early days with my first son were filled with the thought of wanting everything to be perfect. The early days with a one year old and a newborn were filled with thoughts that there was no way it ever would be. Amazing what experience can teach you. Do your best--------- both the Cub Scout and my motto at this point. I had worked for many years in a professional environment. To all of a sudden to be at home with those two glorious little boys was like a whole new world. I loved it. Even on the days that I wore more food on my shirt than they ate, I'd had 3 hours of sleep all night long, and had two kids crying . . . it was bliss to me. It wanted to be nowhere else but there.
Now fast forward to 5 years later. My older son is in kindergarten and done in a week and a half. And my "baby" is finishing his preschool career today. Dropping him off today I had a sense of dread. Oh no!! It can NOT be over. It just started yesterday for crying out loud. I'm not ready!! But in an hour, I will be pulling into that preschool parking lot for the last time to pick up my big boy. I will be saying goodbye to the people that I've grown to know and love that have tenderly gotten my son used to the idea of school and being away from Mama for a bit. I just wish I could go somewhere so that Mama can get used to being away from them!!
And in exactly one week, my dear older son is finished with kindergarten. He now goes a half day so next year will be his first all day (AWAY FROM ME) experience. I can hardly think about this to be honest with you.
Oh, my boys will be fine. I've worked really hard to prepare them for the world that is waiting for them. It is my heart and the way it hurts that worries me. Will I be fine? I am so blessed to have these boys and they will always be the loves (along with their dad) of my life. But I have so loved these years and will treasure every memory I have of caring for them and being with them and most importantly, enjoying them.
I see moms write of being overwhelmed and upset about this or that with their toddlers. And it IS hard during those years. But I want to tell them all to relish that time. It is over in the blink of an eye.