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My heart hurts today.

May 26, 2010 - 18 comments

My heart hurts today as that is the only way I can explain it.  In fact, I'm sure I can't explain this well at all.  Today is my dear son's last day of preschool, ever.  Many would say  . . . "so what?!"  This is cause for celebration.  This is progress.  This is a great milestone.  All true but that does not for one second negate the sad feelings I have.  

I wanted children more than anything.  I longed for them for so long.  A deep and thick longing that one only has for a couple of things in life.  It wasn't easy to achieve my goal of motherhood and as many things that took great effort, my sense of gratification upon learning I was expecting was immense.  I had my first boy 6 years ago and another boy 15 months later.  Boom boom.  Those early days with my first son were filled with the thought of wanting everything to be perfect.  The early days with a one year old and a newborn were filled with thoughts that there was no way it ever would be.  Amazing what experience can teach you.  Do your best---------  both the Cub Scout and my motto at this point.  I had worked for many years in a professional environment.  To all of a sudden to be at home with those two glorious little boys was like a whole new world.  I loved it.  Even on the days that I wore more food on my shirt than they ate, I'd had 3 hours of sleep all night long, and had two kids crying . . . it was bliss to me.  It wanted to be nowhere else but there.  

Now fast forward to 5 years later.  My older son is in kindergarten and done in a week and a half.  And my "baby" is finishing his preschool career today.  Dropping him off today I had a sense of dread.  Oh no!!  It can NOT be over.  It just started yesterday for crying out loud.  I'm not ready!!  But in an hour, I will be pulling into that preschool parking lot for the last time to pick up my big boy.  I will be saying goodbye to the people that I've grown to know and love that have tenderly gotten my son used to the idea of school and being away from Mama for a bit.  I just wish I could go somewhere so that Mama can get used to being away from them!!

And in exactly one week, my dear older son is finished with kindergarten.  He now goes a half day so next year will be his first all day  (AWAY FROM ME) experience.  I can hardly think about this to be honest with you.  

Oh, my boys will be fine.  I've worked really hard to prepare them for the world that is waiting for them.  It is my heart and the way it hurts that worries me.  Will I be fine?  I am so blessed to have these boys and they will always be the loves (along with their dad) of my life.  But I have so loved these years and will treasure every memory I have of caring for them and being with them and most importantly, enjoying them.  

I see moms write of being overwhelmed and upset about this or that with their toddlers.  And it IS hard during those years.  But I want to tell them all to relish that time.  It is over in the blink of an eye.

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Avatar universal
by teko, May 26, 2010
What a beautiful journal this is! Yes! It is over in the blink of an eye. But is also the beginning of a new and wondrous journey for both you and your children. It only keeps getting better and better and tho there is sadness at the close of one journey, in order to experience the others you must move forward. However imprint each day on your heart as they will stay there forever. Your such a good Mom!

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by specialmom, May 26, 2010
Teko, thank you so much for your kind words.  You convey exactly what I needed to hear today.  I do have all of the other stages to look forward to, don't I?  I've been weepy all day as this has made me much more emotional than I expected.  But reading your comment has made me feel better.  Thank you for that.  And thanks for the compliment!  

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by adgal, May 26, 2010
You express yourself so beautifully.  This brought tears to my eyes.  They do grow and change so quickly, and this was a wonderful reminder to those that have babies at the young stage.  Cherish every second.  Thank you for posting this.

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by AnnieBrooke, May 26, 2010
I just changed three poopy diapers in a one-hour period from the same child.  It's over in the blink of an eye?  WHERE DO I GO TO BLINK?     ;-)

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by mami1323, May 26, 2010
Oh sweetie, I can only imagine the joy and sadness you are experiencing.  I feel it to when I realize my son is more and more independent every single day that passes.  Soon he will be going off to school and then before I know it, he will be hopefully graduating highschool.  I'm skipping way ahead but I can just believe it goes that fast.  You are a great mother and your boys know it.  They will grow up and appreciate all you have done for them.  One day you will be holding your grandchildren and be just as happy and blessed as you were the day you held yours.  Big hugs to you!!!!

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by MissmyAngel, May 26, 2010
Tears welled up in my eyes when I read this. Right now, I'm expecting my first child. It was a long journey for me to get this far, and one day soon I will be sitting on the computer, crying, because time went by too fast.

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by Jade59, May 26, 2010
I love your post, specialmom.  I too read the posts about motherhood being so difficult, especially in the first years and I often think "thank God I don't have children,"  but your post makes me yearn for the children I'll never have.  How lucky your kids are to have you...their "special mom."

Avatar universal
by pertykitty, May 26, 2010
i can relate, in 2 weeks my son will leave elementary school and move on to 7th grade.  it's a step that will no longer hold that innocence and soon will come the big steps of girlfriends, peer pressure, teen years.  what a beautiful journal and such love you show.  i suppose the way to look at it is you wont lose your children, you will just grow with them.  

your sons are so lucky to have you!

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by April2, May 26, 2010
I treasured each stage my kids went through too (well, maybe not from about 13-16, lol). I remember when my baby went to preschool last year it felt strange. This year was worse because he was going to all day Kindergarten. I didn't think I'd be able to handle that. All day?! They all just looked so little, still had some of that baby softness to their skin. I hated it when they would lose that baby softness to their skin! I can see my little boy slowly losing it and he's almost 6. :(

When your son starts his first day of Kindergarten make sure you bring a camara and tissues! It really is hard to let them go, isn't it?
But yet, when my oldest graduated from high school and I watched him march down in his cap and gown beaming and holding a rose that he gave me I thought I'd lose it right there. I thought "When did he grow up?!" Along with the little bit of sadness grew a big swelling of pride, though, and even a bit of relief! I saw that my son had grown up and was moving into manhood. He had survived the stormy teenage years and was a young man now. He was going off into the world to test his wings. I hoped he would remember the things I had taught him but I knew I had to let him go, let go and let God take care of him now because I had done my job. My role as mother was different but I was still his mother and would always be.

Now my baby girl is having a baby and I find my role as mother is changing again. I will no longer need to parent her in the same way but guide her and be an example.

It's interesting how our roles as mother's change as our children grow but we will always be their mother and they will always need us, even when they're all grown up. Yes, they grow up in a blink of an eye so enjoy every moment and every age, the joys and the challenges. I think we grow and learn right along with them! I am the person I am because of my children.
Your children are blessed to call you their mother. :)

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by raquelplus2, May 27, 2010
ohh special mom. i feel your sorrow and pain. its like its hard whn thyr small but u dnt want thm to grow up. it goess way tooo fast. like right now i see brende growing outa the newborn stage n im like omg. what am i gna do now? im sooo used 2 havn a baby 2 yrs later that ima be lost lol. no mor buyn diapers n wipes formula what?? lol. but thn agan when thy get older its a diff type fun n new stage. but hang in thr and capture it with pics n videos n enjoy iy the best you can special mom. i wish sooo bad i cud be with mine all day even tho they drive me nuts!!! lol :D

Avatar universal
by dustyfairy, May 27, 2010
Snap... I recognise your anguish.
I had brought my two boys up alone, and am so frustrated at his injury limiting his life, when Id expect him to be having an adventure.

Their lives go by in a zip, I used to say I wish Id a special button to pause their life, inorder to enjoy the phase they are in, its a delight and an honour to be a mum. xxx treasure each day..record it for them,there are more to come, with new adventures and you will enjoy them when they fall in love ahhh mwah one mum to another, and great big hugs too x kala

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by DMarie919, May 27, 2010
So true...I'm pregnant with #2 now and so I'm overly emotional :)  I have a 3 year old boy and I keep looking at him and wondering how he got so big.  And I know time will go just as fast with my new baby...things move way to fast, in fact, life is just a brief moment.  Enjoy every minute, even the hard ones, and even these sad ones...there will be many exciting times ahead.  Though I know it's hard to let go of the "baby" stages....when they cuddle with their mommas and think you are the best mom in the world even though you know some days that you don't deserve that award!!  Hugs!  

Avatar universal
by Liz56, May 27, 2010
It is such a hard time, turning around and leaving your children in the care of others - but they are beginning to grow in to a new and very special relationship with you. They move in to their own little world during the day and come back to the warm, wonderful home in the evening, where they can once again relax into the comforting reassurinance of being your much loved children.
And this will never change!
I have 4 children, all grown up and gone their own ways, but they still come home and want the comfort of knowing that there is no question of your love - they do not have to impress anyone, or pretend to be anything that they are not. They cross the threshold and they are back in the comfort of home once more.
And being a grandmother to two gorgeous little boys has meant that I am needed even more, to provide support and love to the new families as they struggle through trying to make a good home for their own children. I have still got to be there to give the unconditional love and support that they are learning to give their children.
No matter how far apart you might be physically from your children, and no matter what the age, you are and always will be Mum.
Good luck and plenty of tissues for the fateful day - we've all done it, and we've all made fools of ourselves!
Liz 56

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by specialmom, May 27, 2010
Oh, I'm overwhelmed by such kind and heartfelt comments.  Motherhood is a club and we can all relate, can't we?  Thank you my friends for making me feel better.  

By the way--------  walking into the building and all the way to my son's classroom I wore my sunglasses like a movie star.  I wonder if anyone noticed the tears streaming out from under them.  (geek).  

Avatar universal
by lovemykids465, May 27, 2010
Thank you so much for writing this. I know the feeling. I thought there was something wrong with me lol! My baby girl turned 16. I cried. We tried for years to have children and I was overjoyed when she was born. I cried when she turned a week old, one month and so on but now she is a young woman and I am scared to death. I realize I have to let her go one day. My youngest just turned 9. I can not believe he is almost double digits. Enjoy them while you can.

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by April2, May 27, 2010
lovemykids, wait till you see your baby walk across that stage and get her diploma. You will think your heart will burst with pride. I felt that way with my son 4 years ago and tomorrow my baby girl will graduate. I'm so proud, she's worked so hard and deserves this. It's wonderful to see them grow up and to see the young men and women they become. I have one more to go but I want to hold on to him a little longer. :)

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by Sarajmt, Jun 02, 2010
I loved your post.  And I truly understand how you feel.  I remember that lump well.  When they're small it seems that the hours pass so slowly but the years fly by.  As they get older, the years really speed up.  My baby will start high school next year.  And it seems like yesterday that I was enrolling her in Mom's day out.  If only we could put the years on rewind!
I'd love to do it all over again!!

You have fortunate children.  Not every mom is as caring as you.  You are a fabulous mom.  Hold on to the years as they will surely speed up.  Enjoy them now.


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by Ashelen, Jun 10, 2010
I just saw this post...and even though my oldest doesn't turn 2years until september, I can relate. Last night she crawled into bed with me and I couldn't sleep anyway so I just held her and started crying. I know I'm emotional because I'm 34wks pregnant (with a boy this time) but omg I see her growing and changing every day and it tears me apart. I love watching her grow...and seeing the huge steps she's taking towards becoming her own unique human being...but every now and then I catch a glimpse of the newborn she was and I realize that the last 2 years have zipped by. I feel time slipping away and it hurts so bad to know that one day my little girl will be grown and gone. Luckily I've got another little one soon but in 2 more years I'll be right back where I am now...thinking that it all went by in a blink.

I don't know if you've heard this song before, but it was running through my mind last night.

http:  //www     .youtube    .   com/watch?v=53Rm-Vgf7h8  (yep just made the mistake of listening to it again and now I'm sobbing, LOL...ugh hormones!!)

I just  had to add these two as well...sorry, LOL

http://   www   .youtube.    com/watch?v=9I5UV4VWCSk

http://  www.   youtube.     com/watch?v=a0QCCNCkvzI

for anyone who's never heard them before, the 1st and 3rd songs make me bawl my eyes if you're half as emotional as me you want to grab a tissue. trust me.

beautiful journal specialmom, as much as it hurts we all need to be reminded to cherish the little years because they're gone so very fast and it's easy to feel overwhelmed.

glad I'm not the only one to feel this...I thought I was crazy.

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