May 27, 2010
so hard to believe that half the year is almost gone already. when we are young, seems time stands still. we get older, time is like the blink of an eye. scary.
just took me a xanax and a half...1 1/2 mgs. trying to make myself go to sleep. had a migraine earlier. layed down for about 3 hrs. don't feel like i slept at all, but i must have, for 3 hrs. to slip by.
bruce had yesterday off and was suppose to be off today. they called him into work tonight. thank god. not because he is at work..lol, but that is nice too, but that means he will get 40 hrs. this week. was going to get only 32. so that is a relief money wise somewhat.
i am thinking about putting todd on ssi. he certainly has a lot of mental background over the months. it would help us out and help him out. all i would ask is help some with food. the rest i would dole out to him over the month. right now the poor man has gained so much weight from these meds, that he hardly has any clothes that will fit him. and i cannot buy him any clothes. we are doing good to buy groceries, pay the rent and stay ahead of utilities. he has a closet full of clothes, i was able to get him months ago and he bought when he was working. i think though we get him off the depakote, he will lose a lot of the weight. he is a big guy anyway. very broad shouldered. he has not gained weight anywhere though but in his stomach. omg he simply looks miserable in the stomach area. and he is having such a hard time with heartburn and his stomach too. i remember being his age and that is when my stomach problems started. the acid reflux and ibs. and i am sure all these psych meds are upsetting his stomach as well.
no one understands todd. just talked to my brother on facebook. i mentioned i had a migraine. my brother said it was due to todd. maybe he was joking. i dont know anymore at anything really. but i just hate when people dont understand mental illness. if you dont understand it, then just dont say anything and dont judge. bruce very much agrees something is really wrong with todd. he though just does not watch what he says.
i got several ideas about me making an income. i actually even went to rite aid drug store other day and picked up an application. i admit it was scary. i have filled most of it out. but am stumped as to what to tell them, i have done for the last 3 yrs. rite aid does seem to have most store clerks that are older like me. and i am going to try that work at home deal, for people with disabilities. i just need to go to gina's and have her upload my resume. i do actually have a resume. i was cleaning out my closet several weeks ago and came across my copies of my resume. this was just before i knew i lost my disability case. something told me to hold onto those resumes. and i am also thinking about maybe babysitting a child in my home. i am wonderful with children. but can only handle one child. but it would bring in about an extra $100. a wonderful friend of mine, put some ideas in my head, when she said, i could assist someone with disabilities or an elderly person. and it made me think of babysitting in my home. that would allow me to make an income too and not be out in the public. i will pm you very shortly sweet jade. what a blessing you are to me, trying to help me figure some of this job situation out. you are a most special person to me. but i am getting there. i have gave up on disability for now. i cant keep wishing for something, that just is not in the cards right now. maybe in a few years, then try disability again. maybe by then, i will have further medical and mental evidence. maybe in a way, losing disability right now is a hidden blessing. i always HAVE to find the good among the bad. what keeps me going and gives me hope. maybe i need to continue making my own income for now. eventhough it may not be a lot of money. give me back some of my independence. i once use to be so independent. i still hold onto my independence here in the home sure. but it is not the same.
the allsup lawyer did call me today. somehow i missed the call. but i have called him enough times. i just dont want to pursue this disability further at this time. it would be futile. and the process just had me tore up for 2 1/2 yrs. i need a break from it all. i am bit by bit shaking a little of being afraid, to even semi re-enter the world. but there are good and decent ways to make money and still somewhat protect myself from the anxiety of the public. i have my hope building back up again. that is a good thing. i wont give up. but i admit, i have been so discouraged lately. i lost my strength for awhile. i guess we all do from time to time.
todd is willing to do the ssi. he always was like me. very independent. and always was a hard worker. but ssi like i explained to him, is not a forever thing. his recovery is still going to take months yet. he has been on so many meds over these months. and we are stopping and switching them, but according to his doc's instructions. the anxiety right now is his worse thing. and the ocd. but ocd is caused by anxiety. i am praying the buspar will lower his anxiety. i myself hate anxiety and the panic attacks. you feel so powerless and out of control of yourself.