Jul 24, 2016
Okay, I've been so caught up in my own head lately. I'm honestly sick of it. I need to step outside my head. I want to be aware of my thoughts without being so attached to them. I'm going to drive myself insane.
So, here is the solution; I was thinking, that maybe if I incorporated the idea of giving into my life, then maybe that would allow me to step out of my own head. I gave it some thought, and it made me so happy! To be able to give to others without an exact reason, even if its just a little gift, or a little favour I do for someone every couple of days (or preferrably every day, but with school that may not be possible).l I need to find something within me that gets me up in the morning again, something that makes me happy, that makes my heart smile. And not because I necessarily want to prove myself to anyone, but because giving is more important than what you've got. And I feel like I have nothing in terms of self-worth. If all I can give someone is a couple of chocolates this week, then I'll be happy with that. And maybe I'll think of something else a little more intelligent later on, but you have to start somewhere right? I'm almost screaming inside because of how little I think of myself, and if it were up to me I was yesterday, I would be isolating myself from the world. I know that there is so much more to life than this, and don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for what I have, but I need that love and spark towards life again, because its just become a bunch of nothingness. I want to live, without my days being so guarded by my own limiting thoughts. I want to prove to myself that there is something incredible in every day, and I want to be the one who creates that incredible thing.
I feel like I'm not achieving anything and like im doing nothing with my life. Every day is the same as the last, and I feel like im going in circles- thinking im better, then falling back into negativity and being my own worst enemy. I know if i keep going like this im going to lose myself even more than I have, and I will do everything I can to not have that happen. I want to feel like I have a right to fight for my own happiness, like my presence is of some importance, like I have something to give in this world... even if all that I give is love. If all I have is love, then I will give people love. I will show them how much I appreciate them, in hope that if I show that to others I'll be working on my own self-concept and self-love at the same time. I need to do something, and this is the solution I have come up with. I need to get out of my own fantasy world and start actually living. I dont want to be stuck anymore, I want to experience.
I need to give to save myself from the emptiness.
I dont want all the answers now, and maybe the hidden truth about life is that we never actually find any answers, but we are so convinced that we will and that the answers are out there, that that serves as our motivation. The pursuit of the answers- the process- is what is most important. Life is so much more than perfection and trying to plan the future. I will take it by the moment, with just enough plan for the future, but not so much that I lock in only one idea of how I want it to turn out. If I take it by the moment, it'll be easier to adjust when things don't go according to plan... and that is perfectly okay. I will lessen my expectations of life , others and most importantly myself. If I do that, I'll be alot happier. I'll be more at peace with myself. It is what it is. I don't just want to be happy, but mostly, I want to feel the beauty of life again. I'm ready, I'm ready to share love. I'm ready to give and put myself out there, I'm ready to fight for something again- and that something is me.