Aug 20, 2016
i know you can get in trouble for NOT crediting a quote, but can you get in trouble for attributing a quote to someone that they didn't make? i guess you can. its like DEplaigarism or something ...
these are the things i worry about
'but this one goes to eleven!'
pardon me its late. 1116pm here and i have on the dope radio and its like really weird music it is tripping me out
so i got off my fine azz this morning, read the job ads (Mel advised me to do this like i DONT DO IT EVERY FREAKIN DAY! omg) and i did. i applied to like 3 places and i called the Temp lady who sets me up with sub gigs that pay like spit and she's going to start calling me Monday so ya
then this guy immediately responded to a resume i sent and i hads an interview at 1pm today
it went very well
but that means NOTHING!
they have two schools, private, very small ... he was interviewing for a elementary teacher in a combined classroom but he thought id be a good fit for their other campus (near my current job) to teach 6, 7 and 8 ... English i think ... anyway it sounded great and we got on famously but idk how much it pays
he axed me to come to their Open House tomorrow to meet the director so i said yes. ill go afters my meeting.
then i got home and i went to my meeting and then i went to the grocery store.
then i worked out. i promised myself that i would either do 30 mins of cardio and 3 other things, or 45 mins of cardio and 2 other things. NO MORE! i was trying to set a limit. but i ended up doing 45 mins of cardio, about 35 burpees, 24 push ups (one set the real kind which i still suk at but i can sort of do them), my free weights, and abs. oops. i just wanted to. i really like it.
my roomies are having a party tomorrow ... maybe i told you. im a little peeved i mean partly its bc i am kind of a buzz kill i guess but there will be alcohol pretty sure and prolly pot and thats sort of uncomfortable. i might just spend the evening at Josie's.
Tbam was going to come but she is saying she might not cuz she started back to work this week (sheez a teacher) and her 3 hour commute is difficult. really tbam? omg. well at least it's not like she moved forty thousand miles away from work for some dumb guy!!!!! oh wait. it is.
at the meeting i really got my comeuppance if thats the right way of phrasing it. maybe its that *they* got a comeuppance on me. im too lazy to look it up
welp i usually go to the noonski AA meeting at this clubhouse. but i was at the innerview. so i hads to go at 3. i go to the 3 o clocks most days of the week, save Tues and Sat (willllllllllll you come see me) (csn ok? jeez the quoting spit) so i know a lot of the ppl but i dont talk much there. i dont know them *that* well, tho i have talked to a few ppl a few times. but i know them by sight and most of them know me. we say hi, etc
anyhoo i was like wending my way between tables to find the choicest seat and i was aiming to get away from the center of the meeting (though i remembered that Mel said to do exactly the opposite) and this guy who i always think of as the Psycho guy well not psycho but just like, pretty crazy (koo-koo, koo-koo) -- invited me to sit by him. OMG medhelp!
i mean, AA MUCH more so than NA i find adheres to the 'principles not personalities' catch phrase (see, quotes), although some of the ring leaders as well as some of the kids (18-22 yo's) sometimes make fun of certain ppl and i disklike it a lot. sometimes its in fun but other times i think its not, and is rude.
(i prefer to make fun of them in my head DOH! ) i said it
anyway this guy ill call him ... Roland ... he is like, sort of touched i mean a lot of us in 12 step are ... but he is like Super Touched. he is kind of chubby, not quite, and he dresses super nerdishly, and he usually sits alone but everyone knows him. he sort of stays at the meetings all day. he has a pile of books and notebooks with him and often reads or writes during the meeting although i have to give him this he is respectful and he sometimes participates. When he speaks he kind of has a stutter and imo he seems really smart but like one of those idiot savant types i mean i dont think he is special needs in that sense of mentally challenged, but he definitely has noticeable mental illness and i would lay lots of money on the idea that he is on a lot of meds. he is kind of out of it but in? idk its hard to describe him ... maybe you get it
so i never want to be rude to ppl, but especially Roland, and when he speaks i don't make fun of him outwardly like a few ppl do and others who just dismiss him i think (the core crowd of old timers treats him nicely and with gentleness and respect, in good humor), but i try to pay attn and look like i do not think he is crazy (tho i do). i just look at him very somberly and seriously as if he is normal. (i know im terrible)
... when he asked me to sit with him i was like OH MY GAH ... but i did, across from him (he wanted to give me his seat) but like, right across.
and i was FAR more into the crowd (madding--tm) than i usually am and than i wanted to be. i mean who knows, Roland is smart, maybe preternaturally so, and maybe it was all A Part of His Sinister Plan ... hahahahaha (evil lafter)
but ya and he was SO incredibly kind and sweet to me, he was just so cute and funny it was almost too much. but i mean what could i do?
SO many men at that meeting have given me the meeting times / schedule of events there that i could paper a room with them
and a lot of this crowd is older guys, guys with time, most of them are marriedmarried and they are just the sweetest gentlemen!
this one guy Ned i think i have told you about i judged him too at first (who me?) bc he is kind of odd looking but it turns out he is super smart and always says SUCH GREAT STUFF
a lot of the older timers there have some incredible recovery and VERY profound and helpful stuff to say
and a lot of them look really weird, mh
SO DO YOU MEEGY!
TOO BAD EUGENE
then after a lot of ppl shared Roland raised his hand and go in his funny slow child like voice "I would like to turn over my share to my new friend and hear from her"
and i was like omg bc it was a really big meeting mh a LOT of ppl and a lot of young guys and i just ... not 20s guys but still young ... and i felt very shy and very intimidated and i just dk them that well like i know the laydeez at my Sati meeting. i mean it took MONTHS for me to feel comfortable around them. maybe close to a year!
i shared about this and that and i actually told them that i have 68 days and that i walked down the liquor aisle at the market yesterday (i did)
and i remember how angry 16 was when he thought i had taken a drink (but i hadnt he just thot from the tone of my pm that i was drunk --i wasnt) and that was almost how angry Ned was and he cross talked and after he congratulated people for chips and birthdays he said some severe stuff (he usually does but it is very helpful, like one time he shared that this young woman he knew was dying of cancer and she HAD to take meds she had no choice and here we were all whining about wanting to take drugs by CHOICE--wow did that hit hard) and then he talked right to ME and goes "What do you think walking down the liquor aisle" or something like that and he was sitting right near me "if you go to the bar enough times youre going to have a drink!" i know i have heard that before but he sort of really scolded me and dressed me down (so to speak loll) and even though it was really hot and i replayed it in my mind alls day afterwards, i got what he was saying loud and clear, the actual meaning of it ... not being funny or silly. i mean i get it. and those guys medhelp ... yes im a chick ... and not bad looking .... but they know me, mh, i realized they know me and they care about me! i know this is always a shock to me that ppl see me. and care.
and a few other old timer guys shared TO me and this one guy who has had a stroke and looks super fukked up but has always been so welcoming to me, when i was sharing today i told him that he repeated all the stuff Mel says to me alls the time and how i hate hearing it ('this disease wants me dead! its cunning baffling ' etc) and i said 'i guess i need to hear all that stuff' and he came over at the end and kissed me on the head.
they are so kind to me.
yesterday when the job thing happened and my boss just never said ANYTHING to me, just let me go home without students, i had a melt down and when i called Mel i was crying and very very down and down on myself and she was like 'this is the perfect time for your disease to sneak up on you, youre vulnerable and it can get in" so she told me stuff to do. and to call her again that night if i needed her. she is a great sponsor.
this other guy who is super cool, also older and he is like stooped over he is big and has some serious back prollem, he looks weird and i judged HIM before but now ive heard him talk a few x and HE is also very bright and has GREAT Stuff to say
he said that every morning he wakes up feeling down and negative and he prays and asks his God to help him be more positive and to do the things that he wants him to do ... and then he said "its up to you how much you want to fight that (gods will)" and i was like wow. you just have to listen to that still small voice to find out what (god) wants you to do that day. just the things for that day. wow. just listen and don't fight it. heed it. Wow
and Ned also said "anyone in here today who thinks that their God wants them to use or drink, raise your hand"
i was like WOW
but the truth is sometimes i dont know if my God wants me to stop using. that's the thing.
but most of the time i know that my God DOES want me to be clean. you know?
ok i gotta bounce
i love you!
ps i also worked / wrote fiction