Jun 25, 2010
Today is the day in my pregnancy when I had my last miscarriage (6 weeks 3 days). During my first pregnancy I began bleeding mostly brown, off and on until my 8th week, but that, too, began at 6 weeks 5 days. (There was no indication that the spotting was related to the eventual miscarriage. According to my high risk doctor, throughout the on and off bleeding, my baby had a nice strong heartbeat, and the size was encouraging.)
That said, during this sixth week of pregnancy, every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breath and look at the toilet paper, sometimes even holding it up to the light, seeing if I can detect even the slightest pink, red, or brown hue. I can tell myself over and over that many woman bleed during the first trimester, but I can only go by my past experiences. My next ultrasound is on Monday, June 28, when I will hopefully be just under 7 weeks. Yes, the heartbeat at 5 weeks was encouraging, and although all the preconception tests for people with multiple miscarriages have come back normal, society, doctors, and the Internet tell me that my 44- year old eggs aren’t fresh. Lovely. So with that, even on the days where I can manage to stay in the moment, that statistic eventually comes back to haunt me. Either theories about old eggs, or I begin worrying about first trimester blood screening at 12 weeks, or about the amnio at 16. My age, my eggs, my age, my eggs.
It’s kind of funny. I mean, when will the worrying stop? Do I want to live that way? Lauren, I tell myself, it does you no good to worry about what you can’t control.
Since my last journal entry about the “new protocol,” my tests came back again with another slightly elevated IgM level (an antiphospholipid syndrome level, *forgive my questionable spelling). Before it was about 1 point out of range and now it is 2. For many doctors, this doesn’t indicate a problem, but where I live in Uruguay, the doctors seem to adhere to a "could help can’t hurt" philosophy. I have also read that sometimes certain blood disorders can’t be detected (don’t quote me), so that’s why some doctors believe in the blood thinner shots despite there being no official problem. So I will continue to inject myself with a low molecule Heparin, and take my baby aspirin until the doctors in Uruguay tell me to stop. I will also continue with the progesterone inserts until my 12th week, even though my progesterone hasn’t been officially tested this pregnancy, and although I’ve never had an “official” problem in the past. My Boston doctor says that usually Progesterone is prescribed only to make the patient feel more secure, and not really because it helps. I will see that doctor again for my 12th week pre- amnio blood screening when I return to the states to visit my mother. With my history, bad timing to fly during the first trimester, I know, but she is alone and would be heartbroken if I missed my summer visit. Ahhh, another worry, what if something goes wrong on my 14 hour flight? Breathe Lauren, breathe…
Ok, that’s all until my next Ultrasound at 7 weeks.