All Journal Entries Journals

stepping out of my confort zone..

Jul 12, 2010 - 0 comments



Panic Disorder


Anxiety Disorder



Well I think everyone knows I got sick after My Son's wedding on June 26th and It is now July 12 and I can feel that it is in my chest..which is just killing me. On the Up side of things, I have been cleaning the house more and I have went out side of my house I think 4 or 5 times now and even went out and Pulled Weeds and picked up some Junk...Trust me I have a Great Husband but he is Really Really Bad at leaving his Stuff out side.

So I want to report that I'm working on my crap. The things that are of the Past I'm trying to let go. The things that Still Hold me, well I'm working on them. I'm trying to be honest with myself at what I can deal with and what I can't.
Most of all I don't want to live a lie or let myself be walked on. How am I going to change that I'm not totally sure of at the Moment. But I do know that I really have allot of Love Inside of me, and that I have let it be eaten by Anger and bitterness and I No Longer Choose that Life. Now Please understand if I need to talk sometimes. If the Only place I have to vent is here. I'm going to let loose and in turn I try and always keep in mind that you all have my best at heart.

So another thing I'm trying to work on is Mediation and to start working out in some form. I need to work out for 2 reason's. The first one being that I'm getting Older and that if you don't keep your body in shape then how Can I figure its going to be good to me later....and I also don't like the size I am now and I can't not eat like I did as a Young Women. I need to eat better which my husband and I are working on all the time.
But everyone knows that you have to keep your bike Oiled well same thing with your body.

As for Life I'm a little scared in 2 different ways...for one I dislike the way it takes me forever to get well again or to feel like I have strength ... Since the Chemo it has take everything out of me. And I just got off a year treatment 4 months ago. It took a couple of years to get myself back together. The 2nd thing is I don't feel like I have the time to waste this time. The Cancer doctor wanted me on Chemo for 5 years because that way  he said it would give me 5 years of Cancer free....Now the 3 other doctors I saw said that they thought it was better to feel good for 5 years and Not sick like the chemo makes you so if you only live those five years you at least felt good. Either way I look at it , it kind of freaks you out sometimes and It makes me feel like I'm in a Hurry all the time. Like I have to get feeling better, I need to start doing things...If I don't I could get cancer again and then what...I can't waist time..

See what I mean? Now to let everyone know I'm gong to see my Shrink On the 19th of this Month,,,July and I am going to ask him if there is anyone that comes to a person's house. Because of my Agoraphobia  being so bad I'm trying to work all this out. If I can't find one I will see what I can do instead...Maybe my sister in law can take me.

And the other thing I need to work on is calling People, I don't like to call people on the phone. It does not matter who or what its about. It can be family and I can't call. So I text everyone I can. But you can't text the doctors office and you can't text the shrink and stuff like that. And I don't drive to the store...But those things I can work on with someone. That is what I'm thinking. So things seem hard write now. Things seem like its going to take along long time for me to get to ware I want to get. But if I don't work at things then what...I just let life pass me by?  I can't do that...I got to live and enjoy what I have...
Thank You all for Reading and I hope to hear from you
Loves Rhea

Post a Comment