Jul 13, 2010
I've noticed that I usually only write on here when I'm having one of my bad days, the days where the anxiety is overwhelming and I can't seem to get it under control. The days where I lose all hope and feel like I'm back at square one. The days where I feel like I will never, ever be any better and I begin to toy with the idea of what's the point? Can I live this way forever? What if it comes to the unthinkable just to feel some relief?
The bad days are so intense, and they consume me to the point that I'm scrambling all over for answers. I'm on the internet, on this site, searching this and that and reading books and blogs and self help guides and praying like I never have before. But when the times are good, I'm living my life and I don't need to come back here to find relief.
But that's not really fair of me, because I know that all I ever wanted to hear when I was in the deepest, darkest, most frightening months of my anxiety was that someone out there had been where I'd been but they made it through. That the normalcy that I thought I would never again have in my life will someday return.
So I'm here to say that I've been through the most horrible, frightening, hopeless time in my life but I made it through. That normalcy I thought I had lost has return.
The good days are FAR outweighing the bad.
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about my anxiety. I even take my meds without giving a second thought to why I'm taking them. In the last few weeks I've felt more myself and better then I have since this whole ordeal began. I've tackled a lot of things that I've been afraid of my whole life, just to prove to myself that I can overcome. My weird fear of waterslides? Gone. I went to a waterpark and went on every dang slide there, even the ones my other friends chickened out on.
Of course I know I'm not "cured", and I know that more likely than not I will have bad days. I have moments where I can feel the anxiety churning away in my gut, like it's slowly simmering there just waiting to boil over. But I'm getting so much better at not letting that happen. I credit this to meds, a great therapist, wonderful friends, and a kick *** family. But mostly I credit ME.
I did this. I worked hard, I suffered, I had to pull myself out of the tangled mess of sobs I had become on the couch and I had to make it happen. I had to decide that I wanted to live, really live, not just breathe and have my heart beat and be here. I want to LIVE and do everything and anything I can to make my life fulfilling. Nothing is going to stop me, certainly not something like anxiety.
So have hope. I know sometimes how hard that is, and you may well see me back here looking for some reassurance or relief, but from now on you'll also see me back here much more often when things are going great and I feel like I can reassure and provide someone with relief. Having anxiety is like being a part of a super secret club that no one wants to belong to. It's hard to relate to others who don't have it, who don't know how terrifying it is. I'm thankful for this site and for all that it's done for me and the people who have helped me along the way. I hope that I too can help people get their lives back.
Things are great. So, so great.