Aug 12, 2008
Normally I tend to be the optimist and honestly don't remember any time in my life when I felt depression, but I guess "normal" has gone out the window these days. I have had a couple days filled with doubt, exhaustion, the blues, bad spirits (not the alcohol kind) and all sorts of crazy twitches and pains. If I were to see a doctor in the next hour, I would have to throw myself on their mercy and proclaim I was depressed. It feels like depression to me but I have no reference point. My chest is heavy, my head is full of random thoughts, and my legs feel like they are filled with lead.
I'm waiting for the next round of tests - LP, CAT's, EMG - to be scheduled. Last week I thought I was on track for a quick diagnosis and this week I can't even get a date on my calendar. Neuro went away for a week and didn't give them a good code for insurance purposes and the insurance company doesn't want to preapprove the tests unless they get a good code. Since he won't use "MS" in his langugage for me YET, they are stuck until he returns and they figure out what else to tell the insurance company.
Outside the cicadas are chirping what sounds like the last song of summer - that low and constant buzzing that reminds me that I return to work next week after my two month summer hiatus. It is mid-August and I have done absolutely nothing except clean my pantry this summer - I haven't even scrubbed the deck. No fresh paint, no weed free flower beds, nothing to show for my summer except a lengthy schedule of doctor appointments and tests. After my heart attack in January I vowed I would not waste another day, and here I am looking at the two months I have let slip by. I feel a sense of guilt that I've not done more with the time I have been given.
I know I will be ok, but for now I know I'm depressed - that put your head down on the desk and ignore the world around you depression. That curl up in bed and pull the covers over your head until it passes depression.
If it doesn't pass I will call for help but for now I'm hoping that writing about it makes the day feel better.