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Waiting out depression

Aug 12, 2008 - 3 comments

Normally I tend to be the optimist and honestly don't remember any time in my life when I felt depression, but I guess "normal" has gone out the window these days.  I have had a couple days filled with doubt, exhaustion, the blues, bad spirits (not the alcohol kind) and all sorts of crazy twitches and pains. If I were to see a doctor in the next hour, I would have to throw myself on their mercy and proclaim I was depressed.  It feels like depression to me but I have no reference point. My chest is heavy, my head is full of random thoughts, and my legs feel like they are filled with lead.

I'm waiting for the next round of tests - LP, CAT's, EMG - to be scheduled.  Last week I thought I was on track for a quick diagnosis and this week I can't even get a date on my calendar.  Neuro went away for a week and didn't give them a good code for insurance purposes and the insurance company doesn't want to preapprove the tests unless they get a good code.  Since he won't use "MS" in his langugage for me YET, they are stuck until he returns and they figure out what else to tell the insurance company.

Outside the cicadas are chirping what sounds like the last song of summer - that low and constant buzzing that reminds me that I return to work next week after my two month summer hiatus.  It is mid-August and I have done absolutely nothing except clean my pantry this summer - I haven't even scrubbed the deck.  No fresh paint, no weed free flower beds, nothing to show for my summer except a lengthy schedule of doctor appointments and tests.  After my heart attack in January I vowed I would not waste another day, and here I am looking at the two months I have let slip by.  I feel a sense of guilt that I've not done more with the time I have been given.

I know I will be ok, but for now I know I'm depressed - that put your head down on the desk and ignore the world around you depression.  That curl up in bed and pull the covers over your head until it passes depression.  

If it doesn't pass I will call for help but for now I'm hoping that writing about it makes the day feel better.

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565254 tn?1224716453
by happyname, Aug 16, 2008
I know how you feel with the waiting.  I had to wait for a year or more before I got my MS diagnosis.  I can tell you from experience to be sure and get the guided LP. I had to wait two extra weeks but it was worth it.  I honestly didn't even feel anything more than the initial pop of entry and they use a very tiny needle.  I can give you a piece of advice that I have found very useful.  I offer to sit and wait for my doctors to go ahead and wait while they schedule and authorize my procedures.  If they won't I ask for a copy of the order with the cpt (procedure) code and a diagnosis code.  I then call my own insurance and make sure all of the ducks are in a row.  It saved me a few thousand when someone didn't auth contrast in my MRI once.  I caught it prior to the test and they fixed it.   As for the depression- I hate to admit that I have it but honestly I think it is just the side effect of feeling rotten for too long.  This led to my nutty addiction to romance novels.  They always end happy so it is a sure bet.  As for the exhaustion, I have dealt with it for two years and when I mentioned it to my neuro and explained that I felt like being tired and sore was leading to my inability to be happy he offered me providial.  This has turned out to be my "wonder drug".  I now have to be sure not to do too much because I feel alert and well rested all day and shockingly I don't have side effects.  Many others here use it too but I don't know if the heart attack would be an issue.   I will say that you do plenty with the time you are given by just writing kind things to people like myself who have a rough day.  You may not have painted the deck or dealt with the garden but you inspire people to keep listening to the birds and remember that our life is a gift that can be taken at any time.  I have gotten in the habit of tuning out the world when I feel bad and here you are going back to teach less than a year after a heart attack.  It sounds to me like a couple of months rest are well deserved and I'll bet that by week two of teaching you will have inspired more people to look at life and not just live it.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.  It is good to know that someone else has days that are tough.


590818 tn?1218829789
by crusher93, Aug 16, 2008
Hi, I understand what you're going through. I am going through a similiar thing but getting back on track now. I thought you might enjoy watching this video:

Take care.

572651 tn?1530999357
by Lulu54, Aug 16, 2008
Fortunately the blues lifted - we have had beautiful blue skies and cool temps here this week and I just can't stay down when the outside is so wonderful.  To correct the record, I don't teach - I work as an Adm Asst in the English dept at a local university.  It is a great job and mostly stress free.  There are two of us who work with the dept chair and I am lucky to be able to call my coworker a friend as well.  we get along great.  

You're right - if I were rested, and if I didn't have these phantom pains , and if .... (fill in all the other ****) I would be a lot better.

Enjoy the weekend - I'm going to try to as well and ignore that ticking clock.


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