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July 31st

Jul 31, 2010 - 0 comments










Another gol' darn birthday spent alone. Oh sure I have dozens of internet friends, facebook friends, pixelated wishes for a happy birthday. I appreciate them, really I do. Of course those automated calendars tip most of them off to the date. Still I know they are sincere. And I know it is my fault/responsibility that I am alone tonight. OK circumstances haven't helped much. Still, this is far from the first time I've been alone on my birthday and I suspect far from the last time either. This year I took myself out to a grand meal. Spent a fortune on it. Unfortunately the quality was less than stellar, which allowed me to notice I was eating alone. It is OK though. I am unfortunately used to eating alone too. I can do almost anything alone... with the exception of concerts. I have been to a couple by myself and it has never felt any good. Maybe for me it has to be a shared experience. I used to feel that way about being in nature. If I saw a really beautiful image, I'd turn to say to my supposed companion, "Look how gorgeous!" With no one there to appreciate it with me, it seemed almost invalid. Then one time I had driven out to New Mexico to commit suicide. I wanted to die in the red rock of the desert under a golden freckled sky of stars. I found myself sitting on the hood of my car just feet from a staggering drop off a mesa. Suddenly I became absorbed by the beauty around me, I became part of it, and suddenly no more death wish. I was part of something bigger than myself and however small I was, I fit in. Oops, this went in another direction than just the whining I expected to do. Maybe it is the red wine. I'm gonna go now. Never mind.

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