Aug 08, 2010
I seem to have the worst time in controlling my temper and I'm really scared that it's going to cost me everything like it always does. I start to shake and I can't even think and when I get to that point I know that I'm on the verge of really making a mistake that I can't take back. At times I fell like I have it under control but, then at other times I feel like I'm going to lose my mind and kill someone and it may be for the stupidest reason. Not that there are many legitimate Reasons to kill some one but, I'd really hate to go off on some one for telling me to try not to be so loud at night or something like that. So now I how do I solve this riddle? What kind of steps should I take to get this problem under control? There have been times that I've been on the right combination of medications that seemed to help or subside the issues that I've had regarding my temper but, they also killed my sex drive and and I'm sorry but that's just not something that I'm willing to give up this early in my life. I keep wondering if my anger is something brought on by depression or if it's a separate issue all together. In all reality I understand that this is a part of BPD and it's not just anger but, all of my emotions that are out of control. I don't want to take Paxill again! I can't just throw in the towel just yet and if I start taking Paxill again then It'll be just that much harder to get off it again. I feel like that's just an easy way out and I want to try my best to see if I can do this without the help of any more medications! I reel like I take a lot of medicine and at some point I'd like to see about getting it down to the bare minimum so that I don't ruin my body and destroy my ability to handle my emotions on my own. I have to talk to Joyce and work to resolve these issues before they get to be more than I can handle. The worst part of this is that I feel like I'm trying to handle all of these emotional problems in addition to all of the problems that I'm having with school and with trying to find a job that I can support myself with. It all just feels like just to much and I just keep wondering what's going to give. Am I just going to lose my mind and either snap on someone? Will I just finally give up on the Idea of school? Or will I just give up on trying to get the emotional issues that are in all reality holding me back the most? I feel like I can't just do everything and at times I feel like I can't do anything of these things. I want more than anything to just be a normal person. I feel like it may be better if I just went to California and said the hell with everyone and all of these things that I'm trying to do to keep my life together. Can I make a life in a state 2,500 miles away? I'd really have to put a lot of faith in Kieth and be willing to let him teach me a lot about the whole ''medicinal farming'' business. One of the worries that I've had is that if I decide to go down that road then I may ruin the relationship that I've been trying to rebuild with my father and since he's been willing to help me, it would be very unappreciative of me to turn all that down to move away and maybe never speak to him again. In all reality though, it's probably going to end up that way in the end any way so what's the difference? My father seems to just want to give me enough help to get me out of his life and that way he won't feel guilty. I don't think I should worry about what my dad thinks though. He doesn't seem to want to really be there for me for much longer anyway. So should I stay in North Carolina just for my counselor and my psychiatrist? Is that really even a reason to stay here? If those are the people that help me the most then I have to take that in to account. I really don't have anyone else to talk to. At this point in my life that's the best thing for me. Quite possibly the only the only thing that may keep me from giving up all together is these two people and I hate to have to even think about leaving them even if it meant to move to California to live a totally different life that may be the way of life that I was always destined to live anyway. What I want and what I can have may be two totally different things and at some point I may have to accept this. The one thing that I can control is my temper and for now I did. I kept my cool and didn't do something that I could have been really bad. I can control what I do even if I can't control how I feel and that's just the way that it is for the mean time. I just feel like I don't have the tools necessary to lead a normal life. I get the feeling that if I keep working a job that involves working with people then I'll eventually lose it and then I'll be up the creek without a paddle. I can't worry about that all the time or I'll go crazy and it seems to me that at times I can control my temper and for right now that's just going to have to do.