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Home with out my Heart.

Aug 15, 2008 - 14 comments

On August 13th I gave birth to the most perfect little boy I have ever seen. I can not believe that we had to make the choice that we did. Alex just layed there life-less with one hand posed under his chin and the other on his chest in the fetal position. I wanted to die. Just go with him. This little boy was without doubt the most amazing baby I have ever seen. So peaceful and angelic.

I arrived at the hospital on the 12th. I talked at length and cried with my husband. Made last ditch efforts find lasting solutions for Alex and after talking to another Dr. decided that we were doing what was best for Alex to prevent his suffering and death at birth. After a short stay with my husband in the room I left alone in a room where I cried and cried for about an hour. The MD came in and started the procedure. Unfortunatley, the event took longer than I was told since the physician couldn't seem to break through to the amniotic sac due to an anterior placenta. After about 6-8 painful needle sticks.. he went for a longer needle and was able to puncture the sac. The fluid will be sent for testing. Then I had to have the saline injection back into the sac. It had to be halted before finished because I went into shock during the procedure due an to electrolyte imbalance and started shaking and convulsing on the table. I couldn't help but think that I some how deserved this for doing what we decided to do for Alex. After I was stabilized from this I was brought back to a room on the OB floor and given pitocin. I was told that labor should be quick.

After 12 hours and no change, the MD came by that night and started vaginally deposting a medicine that I am unfamiliar with and said that it should really "get things" going. By this time I had been vomitting uncontrollably and had to be given extra meds for it. Next came uncontrollable diarreha. I was constantly fussed at for getting up yet, what was I to do? I have a medical back ground so I am familiar with the sign of labor. I also know the difference between diarreha and labor symptoms. After another vaginal insertion the next morning due to no change... around 9:00 pm I gave birth to Alex. On the 14th the MD came back for a "check" and started attempting to scrape for residual placenta I begged him to stop as it was too painful which led me to a D&C by 10:30 that morning. I was shocked. I had already been through so much turmoil, stress, and heart wrenching decisions that I couldn't believe that my body had been through so much and still had to now under go more with general anesthesia. I was released at 3:00 today Aug 14th severely anemic to the point of almost needing a transfusion from blood loss.

I learned while I was there that there was another lady on the same floor with me who was undergoing the same experience. I wanted to badly to go to her and let us comfort each other. It is so strange to lay in a hospital bed and listen to all the laughter in the hallway, see the smiling faces of people walking by, balloons on doors when I was there to lose the most important person in my life. So odd that as you lay there suffering the rest of the world continues to go by people laughing. joking, smiling.....

I have been reading a lot and have learned that prometrium can contribute to congenital heart disease. I am not sure if I can try again after this loss. I will never be able to replace him. I do know that I have requested genetic testing on Alex, myself and my husband. If we do ever try again I want to know that I have removed all risk factors possible. Of course that is not fool proof. However. it is the best that I can do. I also will plan to have a long discussion with my IVF clinic about the risks of prometrium since I used it until week 15. I hope that some one will read this journal and also ask about birth defects from prometrium as to possibly save their baby from this type of decision.

I may not be able to visit this site often right now as it is a reminder of a painful loss. I am sure with time I will return. Just not sure how long that will be.

Good luck to all who are expecting and trying.

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195469 tn?1388322888
by Heather3418, Aug 15, 2008
You weep and I weep with you.  When I read your story, I was heartbroken.  I can't imagine what you've been through, but you know something?....the undying love you showed for your son, was the most precious love of a selfless mother.  May God somehow in someway, hold you tightly and comfort you in your time of grief.

I am so very sorry to learn of your heart-wrenching experience.  We could do no less for your son now...than to celebrate his short life on this Earth and rejoice for the matter what length of time that he was with you.  It's his mere existence that will touch so many.

May God Bless you and your family and bring you through this someday have happy memories of that precious little angel.  He was special....  Please accept my 'cyber arms' around you, giving you the biggest hug, from a mother that cares for all womenkind and the sacrifices they make for their babies.

Best Wishes & Many prayers,

458090 tn?1256321162
by sasparilla, Aug 15, 2008
Oh sweetie, what a heart wrenching experience.  My heart is breaking for you and your family.  I hope that you can take the time and heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Please let me know if I can ever do anything for you, or you just want to talk.

294043 tn?1354207946
by Helen72, Aug 15, 2008
I can't believe the pain you went through!  Please take your time to recover physically and emotionally.  I know that you made the right decision for Alex and do not deserve all the pain and suffering you went through.

388376 tn?1302011418
by anne72, Aug 15, 2008
I'm so sorry for your loss.

293157 tn?1285873439
by Wobbly, Aug 15, 2008
I'm am so sorry you have to go through this. I myself lost my first and only son in 1980, I do have two daughters since then...this brings back so many feelings and I'm holding your are not alone girl...try to be strong.

270512 tn?1333177636
by alaskacouple, Aug 15, 2008
I am so very sorry for your loss and your hurt....
I wish I could say something that magically ease some of your pain and grief
.... please know that many of us are here for you and reaching out to give you hugs and are here for support any time you need us.
God Bless you and your family, take care of each other
Many many hugs

377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Aug 15, 2008
I hurt so badly for you.  I also greatly admire your courage and strength.  You were put in a position no mother should have to be, and made such a difficult decision.  In my opinion you made a completely selfless decision.  To spare your baby any pain while putting yourself in so much pain shows what a great women and mother you truly are.  Little Alex is resting in peace in the arms of God, and I hope you can take some small measure of comfort from that.  

Do whatever you need to do to be good to yourself.  Time helps heal, and I wish you all the best. As many others have said, we are here to hold your hand or talk to if you need to.

Thinking of you,

195145 tn?1255636447
by ZevasMom, Aug 24, 2008
All I can say is that my prayers are with you... Deepest sympathy, Noel

254689 tn?1251180040
by 40smama, Aug 25, 2008
My heart breaks for you!!  You've gone through so much and then had to endure more to me is just unthinkable - bless your heart.  Take care of yourself - let you and husband heal both emotionally, physically and spiritually from the loss of your precious boy.  When I endured a similar loss, I ended up in grief counseling which was the best decision I've ever made.  

If there's anything I personally I can do for you, please pm me.  I too went through IVF & took progesterone (prometriuim) until week 12.  As Amanda said, please take care & be good to yourself - I'm praying for you - jennifer

453994 tn?1218780981
by fyrefly, Aug 25, 2008

Thank you so much for your kind words. If you feel like sharing I care to know what happened and how you came to loose your little one.

I really do feel alone in this. I appreciate your comments so much. It appears that most people are afraid to talk about this type of situation. I wonder how many people on this forum have went through this and just are afraid or too ashamed to talk about it freely. I actually reached out to another mother who's son passed away from HLHS. I thought we could learn about the condition from one another and maybe help others with our knowledge. Instead she called me a murderer. I was so shocked and have been a little gun shy about reaching out. I suspect that is why people hide from others. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged.

Again, thank you so much for reaching out to me. It means so much.


177382 tn?1253041140
by DaniWants1More, Aug 25, 2008
I too had to make a decision simuliar to yours.  I was 21 weeks PG and went in for a sono, I knew from the look on the techs face something was not right.  I asked what the baby measured at and she said she could not tell me. Which i knew was BS, she said the dr would tell me all that, but I knew.  My whole PG with beany baby I felt something was not right.  Somehow I just knew.  She told me it was a boy, and said the dr would call me soon.  The dr called and told me to come in right away, when we got there he said that BB had stopped growing at 17 weeks. It was the worst news ever because we had been ttc for almost 5 years.  and i thought I had finally had my miracle.  I was told he would die inside me soon b/c his stomach stopped growing at 15 weeks and was not producing urine so the fluid around the baby was very very low.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't. My dh was falling apart.  I had never seen him that way b4.  He cried so much.  I needed a second opinion, so i went to the head of maternal fetal medicine. I waited 2 weeks to meet with him and he told me the same thing.  We had to tell our family, which wasn't as bad as having to tell our 13 year old son.  But he suprised me, he said "Mom it's ok. I may not get to meet him on earth, but I will meet him in Heaven."  We made the decision to listen to the drs.  At first I was told I would have to give birth b/c I was now 24 weeks PG. and I honestly didn't think I could handle that. I talked to the drs. and asked if there was another way.  After a few days they said that they would take him from me.  Which was all I could handle and that they were only doing it that way b/c he stopped growing at 17 weeks.  B4 they took BB we decided to try again so that is what I focused on to get thru it all.  After losing BB, I we got PG again 2 months later I was a nervous wreck thoughout the whole PG but I felt different about this PG.  I knew in the back of my mind he would make it and now he is 4 months old.  I just want to say if you still want to be a mom which doesn't always mean giving birth to a baby, I would hold on to that.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I'm here if you want to talk. tc ~d

453994 tn?1218780981
by fyrefly, Aug 25, 2008
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave to make the decision that you made. I do so much want to have a child, I am very frightened right now. I will email you soon.

Thanks again.. It is not an easy subject to talk about.


254689 tn?1251180040
by 40smama, Aug 26, 2008
KD - I left you a pm and I appreciate YOUR kind words.  How I lost my child - at 15 weeks, I began bleeding heavily.  When a sonogram was performed, the doctor told us that the placenta looked very bad and probably couldn't sustain the pregnancy but he couldn't be definitive about this.  So knowing this, I opted to continue the pregnancy.  A few weeks later when I began to feel movement, I rejoiced but when the movement stopped, I knew in my heart that my baby had died.  The ob confirmed this.  It was such a sad moment in my life - one I'll never forget but oddly enough, I grew from it.  Does that sound weird?  I learned so much about myself painful as it was & it left a mark on me.  Kelli (her name) left a legacy behind - I really have a hard time describing it - and I'll treasure my time w/her always.

I hope sharing this helps, KD.  It still hurts to write about it but also a relief to share.  Please pm me anytime - I'll be glad to help & I'm praying for you and your family - jennifer

536969 tn?1297467664
by aleasa, Sep 28, 2008
Grieve and be angry.  It's a good release.  Sending love your way.  You will heal and my prayers are your way.  I am envious that you are able to conceive at all... that is a blessing in this, I believe.  xoxo.

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