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My journal of random thoughts.

Aug 17, 2010 - 136 comments

1. The more advice I get about girls, the more I think "I'm Screwed".

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535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Aug 17, 2010
no way Hose...girls are great....

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 17, 2010
I meant about getting one, lol.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Aug 17, 2010
getting a girl?     well look good, smell nice, have a great sense of humor ....we like to laugh, treat them kindly, open the car door(a must)   listen to them ....and have fun .....

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 17, 2010
Killed the first 2 (in the bad way), iffy on the third, i guess I've done the fourth before, might be hard for number five since I have moodswings every once in a while, I can do 6, 7, and i guess 8 depends

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 17, 2010
2. Why is it that even when I am doing something that is supposed to be relaxing and fun, I feel the opposite?

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 18, 2010
3. I've read a lot of break up stories here and a lot of them are like relationships that have been going on for years. I just had my first girlfriend a couple of months ago. It lasted a month and when it ended, IT HURT. If I was in a relationship for years and then we broke up, I think I'd kill myself.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 18, 2010
4. My brain is a duche. Everytime I don't want to think about something, my brain, the duche, doesn't do anything but force me to think about it, no matter how much it hurts.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 18, 2010
5. It's weird but I'm always most depressed at night before I go to sleep. Maybe it's because my family isn't watching tv or talking and the silence reminds me just how lonely I really am.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 21, 2010
6. after just returning from my school's open house, i feel dead, hopeless, and weak. i dont think i'll survive this year, definately not like this. also, seeing my ex didn't help at all.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 21, 2010
7. i think that you can t truely appreciate life until you ve reached a certain level of both happiness and suffering. i don t appreciate my life.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 22, 2010
8. i didn't think it would ever happen but it has. i have literally worried myself sick. i'm scared of what happens next.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Aug 29, 2010
9. i really need to get started on trying to get disability. my insurance runs out in my birthday about 5 months from now. mom says she can put it on her's cause she has work insurance cause she works as a custodian in the school system but im afraid that they will fire her if she does that cause they could probably find a replacement with less insurance needs easily with the economy how it is.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 01, 2010
10. i dont see anything interesting happening this school year, except for probably failing a class or two, idk. im hoping that life suprises me. in the good way of course.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 01, 2010
11. i noticed something about myself today, i go too fast with relationships. :(

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Sep 01, 2010
could you be thinking too much...

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 01, 2010
maybe...

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 01, 2010
12. we literally just picked up my grandma who came from cuba. she's old and i have the weird feeling like it was a waste of money and that she is going to die soon. why do i have this feeling?

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 01, 2010
i realized that i only had that feeling before she got here. now that we are home, i feel like everythings fine.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Sep 02, 2010
well at least you got all that out...no she will live a while yet ,how could it be a waste of money to see your granma Awwwww

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 02, 2010
well she's like in her mid 70s (i think) and lived in cuba so i guess i kinda thought she would die cause she would be weak from age and a disease or something here would kill her.

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 02, 2010
I would recommend that you do something for someone else. Thinking to much about ourselves just leads to this kind of negativity. I am sure there are many people out there that need just the kind of things you can do for them. And they don't have to be big, like painting a house. Something like taking trash out or sweeping off the porch, raking leaves, just listening to them talk will help you refocus and see that EVERYONE has their problems. I am sure you could add to the list, but if you look around, I am sure you could find someone.

I am pretty sure that your grandma would love for you to listen to what she has to say, and you just might learn something as well. Elderly people have wonderful stories of the days of their lives. Or you could just sit in the room with her, sometimes just being with someone is great comfort.

The main thing is to  start thinking of others and what YOU can do for THEM instead of what you wish they were doing for you.

Well, thats about the whole of it. So go out there and start giving of yourself. You will find yourself feeling much better. Keep us posted of your offerings to these others.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 02, 2010
i dont really have anyone to offer anything to. i dont have many friends (like one but things wont go up) although i am trying to make a new one (i wrote about it on my latest post). as for family wise, i dont care much for them (have another journal on that). i guess i could ask to go to work with my uncle a little (it kinda feels good afterwards) but the fact that im lazy makes it hard for me to even want to.

13. sometimes i think i dont want to get better. maybe because i have difficulty with change and im kinda used to being like this. sometimes change is easy but at othertimes, its not. sometimes (well i suppose its most of the time and because im pessimistic) i think its hard (also cause im lazy) but it turns out to be easy.

there is a chance that my grandma will change something but (pessimism) i doubt it.

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 02, 2010
"there is a chance that my grandma will change something but (pessimism) i doubt it."  Didn't you say your grandma was in her seventies, and you are wanting her to work at YOUR problem?

With this last sentence, I think we find the core of the problem. You are looking to someone else to fix what is going on in your life, and that just ain't gonna happen. Not for you, not for me, not for anyone. Nor is it anyone's responsibility to fix things for us. If it were, then how would they live their life, because every time you got tired of that you would be wanting them to change it to something else.

Sounds like you have a big case of the poor pitiful me syndrome. And only you hold the cure to this one. Every time someone tries to give you advice you come up with something about how that won't work. So, I guess that just goes to prove that only you have the cure to this one.

Here's the thing is, the solution is in your hands and until you want it to happen, it will just lay there.

Proverbs has 31 chapters, and I would recommend that you read the corresponding chapter daily. There is great wisdom in there.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 02, 2010
i didnt mean for her to fix my problems, i meant like her just being there would change the atmosphere for me or something. i still agree completely with you. i suffer greatly from codependency, although its the first time i heard it called pitifull me syndrome. ill probably look it up after this.

wait, the book's name is proverb?

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 02, 2010
Well, at least you recognize that it is codependency and now you are on the road to do something about that.

Now as for, Proverbs, you haven't heard of that before? I could tell you where the book of  Proverbs is, but here is your first step in independence.....Google it, my friend.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 05, 2010
i read some of it but i have a low attention span... so... yea.

14. its weird. last night i had to sleep in my 7 year old brother's bed cause we had visitors and i had an unusually good dream. maybe it was the change in atmosphere but i think it was the fact that i was having fun with my cousins, one of which was a girl which would explain part of the dream. other part was something else entirely.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 07, 2010
15. last night i was anxious because there is this girl i have my eyes on and i was going to ask her for her number today. i got it but she is in a long distance relationship. i think its a lost battle. now im back to surviving every day just waiting for something that might never come.


1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 07, 2010
16. i just had a thought. maybe the reason some people have difficulty controling themselves is because they dont feel, notice, or identify the emotion until after you do whatever it makes you do.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 13, 2010
17. there is an 80% chanse i wont get a girlfriend this semester. id give it a 60% for the whole school year.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 13, 2010
scratch that. 95 for the semester, 85 for the school year. for a second i forgot how... whats the word?... ill go with undesirable i am.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 14, 2010

18. i decided to clean out my journals but there was something i wanted to keep so ill keep it here:

"I'm 17 years old, my brother is 7. I am 10 years and about 4 months older than him. He was in kindergarden and got his first girlfriend. He got it before I did. It took me months after he got his for me to get my FIRST. Not only that, We broke up but he still has his.

This has really done wonders to my self esteem. :'("

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 14, 2010
19. im... confuse. so many things happened in the last couple of months and now im even worse then when i was before. now... i dont feel emotions. i still have them and act accordingly, but i dont feel them, if that even makes sense. also, i had a taste of what my life could be like and now its permanently gone and i dont see anyway of ever getting it back except for pure luck. now im emotionally drained and i just feel tired and nothing else. all this just makes me believe more and more that ill be codependant for the rest of my life, which could be short if... things dont improve. the current deadline my mind has is in my birthday, jan 24.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 15, 2010
20. i have a lot of deja vu moments but i just had a new one. its was just audio, no visual. normally my deja vu are both.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 15, 2010
21. ive noticed, compared to myself before i got into "that" drama, i have a lot more mood swings now a lot more often.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 16, 2010
22. when i am depressed i think a certain way. when i am in a good mood i think completely different. i know both sides cant be right and that both sides cant be wrong. i dont know when to think about something important or what choise to make because of this.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 16, 2010
23. i just discovered the core of my codependency, but as for fixing it, it's still a wait and see.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 16, 2010
24. i could have sworn i wrote this before... oh well.

i hate the above the influence commercial with the guy and the girl. its not that its anti drugs, i dont do drugs nor have an interest of ever starting, but that specific commercial hurts me because my life isnt like that and i would love if it was.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 22, 2010
25. my body is adapting to medicines way too fast for my liking. what i mean is that, for example, when i first started taking my latest antidepressant, it increased my appetite tons. i was eating a lot. well, relatively i mean. im still taking the same medicine and the same dosage and im skipping dinners or barely eating them.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 22, 2010
26. now that ive started to use glasses, whenever i take them off, everything looks weird.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 23, 2010
27. i dont know if ive written this before since its gotten kind of long but if i have, ill say it again. life is just a waiting game. im hoping my life gets better but all i can really do is wait.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 23, 2010
28. its getting a lot easier for little things to make or break my day. i dont mind if it makes my day but i definately mind if it breaks it. also, its not that simple since my moods can go from one extreme to the other more than once a day.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 23, 2010
29. drama *****

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 23, 2010
30. i just had my second cutoff. cutoffs are hard at the time but im glad i did the first one. i jsut hope this one ends just as well.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 25, 2010
31. my cousins just cheered me up after the thursday thing. i think i found my new natural antidepressants. :)

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 27, 2010
32. ive been wanting to write this for a while but i never got around to it.

i noticed something that happened thursday. thursday some things happened, that involved the ex that i really dont feel like writting down, that super depressed me. like "about to completely break down" type of depression (been a while since i have had one of those). anyways, in all the depression, i felt like going to work with my dad, or my mom, and even a little of like getting my school stuff straightened out (havent bothered to even look at colleges and im in my last year of high school). then i asked myself, "do i have to be supper depressed to fix my life?"

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Sep 30, 2010
33. another self observation; im cranky when im sleepy.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Oct 04, 2010
34. ugh... -_-

my 7th period has turned into hell again. everytime i hear my ex say ANYTHING at all, its like a stab on the chest. maybe i really should change class...

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Oct 05, 2010
two things today

35. i find math very time consuming, and its a good thing because it keeps my mind from racing but... at first, we were taught to do something a certain way, then in algebra, i believe, it was expanded, which is fine, but in algebra 2 and geometry, we were told that certain ways we were taught of doing things were wrong and that we had to do it a different way. i was fine with that too. but now im in pre calculus, and pretty much every week, we are told that to do something, we had to do it a different way than before. today, i had a little slip up of anger. it wasnt like something big, but i still noticed it.

the second thing

36. other than that incident above, plus a couple of other little things but nothing real big, i had a GREAT day... but now that feeling is over. i assume its supposed to last longer, but not with me.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Oct 18, 2010
been a while since i posted somthing here but here's another one:

37. my psychologist says "an idle mind is the devil's workshop" and its true. right now im in my bus going home and i have nothing to do. since im not distracting myself, my mind is wondering off and reminding me of bad memories.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 05, 2010
another long while

38. i realized that when you are depressed, that last thing you want is to help yourself. its not exactly as clear cut as that but the edges are too many to describe.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 08, 2010
39. Ex-military people have horrible people skills. I can't say all of them are like that but in the last 7 days, I met two people, who although I'm not sure if they are ex-military or not, they probably are, who have horrible people skills and completely lost their humanity.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 11, 2010
40. i have a folder at my doc's like everyone else has. mine has, stamped in bold red, A.D.H.D.. before now, ive never felt much of it. i never felt it bothered me. but now that im starting to learn how to drive, its becoming a major setback.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 15, 2010
wow. cant believe its gotten this long. guess that shows how many issues i have. :/ oh well

41. im still having really bad moodswings. school was absolutely great today but from the bus onward my mood just fell midair. maybe i should consider begging my psychiatrist for new meds to try out. :/

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 16, 2010
addition to the above

the problem with this is that experimenting with medicines with my mood instability could have disasterous effects.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 16, 2010
42. had the weirdest dream last night. it involved driving, huge number of evil clay creatures, and suicide. i think thats my first dream ever to include suicide.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 16, 2010
Two things.

First, an addition to the above: Even though most people would find suicide in a dream disturbing, I feel indifferent about it.

And second: 43. After talking with a friend a bit ago today, I've been thinking that maybe the reason I'm so moody might have something to do with puberty. I hope she's right, but I'm 2 months from 18 and I doubt I'll be getting any taller so idk.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Nov 26, 2010
44. it bums me out whenever i hear of other kids my age or younger plan their future. ugh. i really want to get more into explaining this but i have too many things to say.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 02, 2010
45. My appetite is shot dead... again. -_- and my dad is saying all the wrong thinges... again. -_-

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 08, 2010
two today.

46. its weird. the more i learn about someone, either i like them less, i lose more interest in them, or both. i kinda see where it comes from though.

cant remembered the last one. maybe ill remember it later.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 08, 2010
now i remember the second one

47. at my school, single females are extinct.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 16, 2010
48. I'm finding it harder and harder getting on this website. My emotions are getting even harder to control. Hormones suck.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 25, 2010
49. i dont think ill ever stop being anti-social.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 28, 2010
Wonder how long this list will go. It's until either I die, my life gets better, or until I stop coming to this website due to... well, number 48.

50. I've stopped updating my mood tracker because my mood swings are still horrible.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 31, 2010
51. i really really really really times infinity hate all of my families parties. thats why ive stopped asking for birthday parties. ive probably mentioned this before but ill write it again for emphasis: i left my own last birthday party. this time (jan 24) im going to beg my parents not to give me one.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 31, 2010
i am so bored of this party that ive decided to add more stuff on here:

52. appetite is still dead with no signs of living.

53. ive noticed, when it comes to anything technical, i cant help but to tinker with it. this is definitely going to bite me in the butt someday.

54. ive had a total of two dreams about... yesterday was my second.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Dec 31, 2010
55. its an interesting experience when you have a blast from the past. its interesting because it has some of the old but somethings new. sometimes, the new isnt good though.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 01, 2011
56. Life *****. Why is it that when something works perfectly one day with some but still relatively minimal effort doesn't work the next day even when I work my ******* *** off?!?!?!?

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 01, 2011
57. It's funny how everytime you solve a problem either the results aren't as satisfying as you thought or the problem is resolved at the end of the day. The two options might seem unrelated but they are the only two outcomes.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 03, 2011
58. had a geek off yesterday. i was talking to a friend about zombies. it ended in a 1 to 1 draw. it was interesting cause it felt like an intellectual conversation which was a nice change from the idiotic ones i usually get from other people.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 03, 2011
59. got a med change. mirtazapine was replaced by lithium. lets see how that goes.

60. my day was suprisingly good. ... eh, ill go ahead and say it was great.

1483285 tn?1303226548
by juliekayy, Jan 04, 2011
Well, Im sure you are a great guy. Mayby you just might have to wait for the right girl to come to you, Thats what I do for guys. And I found the right one. Theres Always Someone out there that will take you in for what you are, And not what you want to appear to be.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 05, 2011
there are so many kids today on their cellphones. the fact that im somewhat one of them sickens me a little.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 05, 2011
Above was 61.

62. Eating has become a chore to me. I'm avoiding eating. I don't know what to do. :(

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 07, 2011
63. this week i have gotten many thoughts that ive wanted to put in here but i kept forgetting them before having a chance to add them.

64. it has been a good week. its a really nice change from all that moody crap.

65. i passed my drivers test today and am going to get wy waiver on tuesday. im turning 18 soon too so i can finish getting my licence an so my parents stop bugging me about it.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 09, 2011
66. Feeling more and more guilty about not eating... :(

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 10, 2011
67. Ugh. -_- I keep getting ditched by the few friends I have. I wish I had new better friends, but making friends that let you hang out with them is impossibly hard for me. I've only had two friends that I regularly went to their houses to, and that was in 6th to 7th grade.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 10, 2011
68. Recently, I've developed this thing where if I'm eating anything with strong flavor, I feel like gagging.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 11, 2011
69. I just weighted myself today. I weight 129. At my peak I was 140 which was when I was on Megace. It isn't helping my mood, especially with my parents being how they are.

70. I swear to god, all the girls in my school are either taken, lesbian, or completely uninterested in me. -_-

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 12, 2011
71. ive never actually talked to a lesbian before, but the one i talked today was pretty cool. we have quite a bit in common. its kinda cool but kinda disappointing also. :/ oh well, cant win them all.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 12, 2011
72. It's so hard to vent when you don't have reliable friends. -_-

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 12, 2011
73. Back when I first went in this website, I had put my moods in the mood tracker but I deleted them cause I'm perfectionistic. -_- Now my perfectionism wishes I haden't so I would have the full record. -_-

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 12, 2011
74. My dad just got a call saying he is going to get a trial for his dream job. It's the job he had before we came from Cuba. He never thought he would ever get back to it. Another good thing is that it pays kinda well, at least better than unemployment. His trial starts tomorrow. Wish him luck.

75. I still think my 7 year old brother has ADHD and that he is slow but somehow he is still getting excellent grades in school. I'm so confused on that.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 13, 2011
76. mom just forced me to buy black ops. i rarely ask her to buy me stuff but apparently thats a bad thing since she keeps urging me to pick a game for her to buy me. i feel a little guilty but also a little exited.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 14, 2011
77. how does everyone hook up so fast?

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 16, 2011
78. noticing something about girls. they seem to want to do things with guys like play kid games and stuff. it has to be something physical because they never want tv or videogame. im sure there is something psychological behind it but im too distracted right now to get into it.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 16, 2011
79. My 44 year old mother just discovered Facebook! O.O!!!

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 17, 2011
80. Something is up with my nose. Recently, smells have started to bother me. Pretty much most smells have been turned bad. One notable exception is this one girl from school that has this really good smelling perfume.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 18, 2011
81. i dont like pictures. the reason i dont upload pictures of me on anywhere is because the way i look bothers me. i also avoid looking at a mirror for more than a minute.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 18, 2011
82. its official, parents are hooked on facebook. and they are in their mid 40s. kinda making me feel bad cause i dont use it. part of it has to do with the above, the other being low self esteem.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 20, 2011
83. Had a conversation with a girl from school today. Apperently, she broke up with her boyfriend, well, now he is her ex, and she told me why and what type of boyfriend she wanted and stuff. At one point, I said "Well, now I know we wouldn't work out. I'm like him. and she responded "Well, that's too bad. I kinda had a crush on you." I have mixed thoughts about that. :/

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 22, 2011
84. My dad just told me two different people invited me to barbeques for my bday party. I said no to both cause I'm really really bad at party to the point of hating them. But now I feel guilty.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 23, 2011
85. My parents bought me an HD cable for my xbox to connect to the tv (can't believe those things cost 30 bucks) but I couldn't tell the difference so I told them to return it to get the money back. My dad looked disappointed so I felt guilty again. One thought that came to my mind is that I feel like my parents are wasting money on me so that's why I don't ask them to buy anything pricy. I even feel guilty when I buy a videogame that costs more than $15.

86. I feel depressed when I wake up really late.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 23, 2011
85. My parents bought me an HD cable for my xbox to connect to the tv (can't believe those things cost 30 bucks) but I couldn't tell the difference so I told them to return it to get the money back. My dad looked disappointed so I felt guilty again. One thought that came to my mind is that I feel like my parents are wasting money on me so that's why I don't ask them to buy anything pricy. I even feel guilty when I buy a videogame that costs more than $15.

86. I feel depressed when I wake up really late.

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Jan 23, 2011
Why  ? maybe you think that you missed out on all the super things you could have done whilst laying in ?

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 23, 2011
No. Idk. Maybe its like when you wake up grouchy or on the wrong side of the bed. It probably also has to do with my whole life situation.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 25, 2011
came to the cafe this morning and noticed a couple of things:

87. there are a LOT of pregnant girls in my school. c'mon ladies, guys are the ones who are supposed to be horny a-holes. -_-

88. you know someone's breast is too big when one is bigger than their head. -_-

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 25, 2011
89. this semester is going to suck. i have 2 gym classes. thats 5 too many!!! i tried to get out but no deal. it ruined my mood during 8th period, and thats my favorite class too.

1220347 tn?1345428521
by x89rt, Jan 26, 2011
90. both today and yesterday i had a moment where i was reminded of exactly how many REAL friends i have. both moments lasted a bit.

1462810 tn?1327360449
by katrinika, Jan 29, 2011
Hi, Made it to 42.  Two words... adrenal fatigue, you've got every blikkity symptom.  Three words... diet, exercise, spiritual development... oops! four words.  :)    (diet, read "fresh, raw fruits and vegetables".... the rest is easy to come by)

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by x89rt, Feb 01, 2011
91. Here are the current medical stats of school.

1st Period: Normal but showing symptoms.
2nd Period: Dying.
3rd Period: Dying.
4th Period: Stable but need to keep vitals in check.
5th Period: Nearly dead.
6th Period: Normal.
7th Period: Dead.
8th Period: Normal but showing tier 2 symptoms.

Others include:

Cafeteria: Dead on both sides.
Before School: Good.
After School: Below normal but nothing serious.

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by x89rt, Feb 05, 2011
92. I was looking around and I found a condition that explains a lot of my problems: Involuntary celibacy

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by x89rt, Feb 06, 2011
93. 200 posts in 1 year.

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by x89rt, Feb 07, 2011
94. i hate when my friends **** me off because i cant get pissed at them since they are the only ones i have.

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by x89rt, Feb 08, 2011
95. im running out of people who give a crap about me (who are near my and who'se openion actually matters to me). right now, im down to 0.

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by x89rt, Feb 08, 2011
96. Past 100 comments on this journal.

97. Forget 94, I have the right to be pissed.

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by x89rt, Feb 09, 2011
97. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this but I'm considering finding a prostitute... Dang, things have gotten really sad for me.

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by x89rt, Feb 10, 2011
98. I had made plans to hang out with a friend last weekend and a different one this weekend. They both canceled on me. At some point, I'll run out of self esteem to lose.

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by x89rt, Feb 12, 2011
99. in the morning of every day, i take three meds for my problems. every once i a while, i got thoughts like its too much or idk.

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by x89rt, Feb 14, 2011
100. Made it to one hundred. :(

101. If you asked me yesterday, I would have said that today would be the worst day of my life but i managed to get through it without much damage. I'm kinda proud of myself for it.

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by x89rt, Feb 15, 2011
102. lately, i feel like im a third wheel in just about any situation.

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by x89rt, Feb 16, 2011
103. everyday i think more and more about 97

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by x89rt, Feb 16, 2011
104. i feel like i dont have friends anymore. i just talk to people ut obviously they dont really think of me as a friend.

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by x89rt, Feb 23, 2011
105. ugh... -_- i hate toothpaste. i involuntarily keep swallowing toothpaste and yesterday i allmost crapped myself i the bus. im going to look for non fluoride toothpast.

106. also, im tired of people saying i have bad breath so im going to start buying breath mints too.

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by x89rt, Feb 27, 2011
107. the most annoying question my parents ask me, in spanish ofcourse since their english level is less than a preschooler's, is "did you brush your hair?" what the hell? here is what's going on in my head, cause i would never actually say it, "b*tches, if you can't tell, then why does it matter?" it pisses me off actually.

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by x89rt, Feb 27, 2011
108. this one really is a random thought: what would happen if you mixed alcohol with soda? hm... (no, i dont drink)

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by x89rt, Feb 27, 2011
109. another random one: i wonder what it feels like letting out a big burp and fart at the same time. hm...

110. regular one: i cant stand most, if not all, country songs and many love songs. country just cause... its just a genre i dont like. many love songs just cause many of them just remind me how lonely i am.

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by x89rt, Mar 01, 2011
111. I've recently gotten a liking to bananas... No that what you perverts. -_-

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by x89rt, Mar 02, 2011
112. still avoiding of writting some things here out of lazyness.

113. stayed afterschool to spend some time with a friend. ive learned that many girls have complicated lives sprinkled with lots of, and potential, drama. this is discouraging me to talk to girls. that plus my general behavior.

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by x89rt, Mar 07, 2011
114. My weight training class has mirrors everywhere. idk why. Anyways, when I look at it, I see that I don't fit the picture. It looks like grey among colors. Do I hate my looks so badly?

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by x89rt, Mar 08, 2011
115. im starting to understand more about the aspect of bipolar that results in getting angrier more frequently and more easily.

116. im starting to think that maybe i should cut my losses, cut away all my friends that make things more difficult for me and just be selfish.

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by x89rt, Mar 08, 2011
117. i feel like an idiot in adult conversations. part of it is because i dont hear some of the things they say due to me being half deaf but the other is because i just dont understand what they are trying to say until they spell it out for me.

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by x89rt, Mar 08, 2011
118. currently i have two classes that are hurting my self esteem. in weight training i think just about everyone is stronger than me. in pre-calc which has a bunch of 10th graders im having to ask the teacher more and more for help. the problem with that is that im too proud to do that although i still force myself too. also today everyone finished their homework in class. when i finished i looked around and saw that i was the only one working on it. i hope that some of the students noticed that they wouldnt finish on time and finish it at home since the bell was about to ring when i finished.

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by x89rt, Mar 08, 2011
119. this kinda goes with 116 but its getting harder to talk to people since almost everyone has a boyfriend/girlfriend. they always remind me of relationships and how i dont have one. it makes me incredibly jealous to the point where i avoid them, even if they are my "friends".

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by x89rt, Mar 15, 2011
120. I'm getting sick of taking meds.

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by x89rt, Mar 17, 2011
i just hung out with one of my friends and her friends after school and i.... hated it.... why? i even called dad to pick me up sooner..... whats wrong with me?

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by x89rt, May 04, 2011
122. I'm having problems with a school friend. It's not like we have problems with each other, it's more like i'm not liking her much anymore. She moves around too much, and she's not exactly the stereotypical "popular" girl, and she is starting to act opposite to the reason I liked her. Well, school is ending in three weeks so it's one of those self-solving problems.

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by x89rt, May 05, 2011
123. i hate when you are less than 3 feet from a person and you are forced to hear their conversation. specially when they are talking about having stuff i want but cant get.

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by x89rt, May 24, 2011
124. well, school's over. now what? honestly, im scared.

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by x89rt, May 27, 2011
125. Just as I expected. With the end of school came the end of what little of a social life I had.

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by x89rt, May 27, 2011
126. Ugh!!! There are just some things I don't want to know!

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by x89rt, May 30, 2011
127. Still easily aggravated by failure.

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by Malon93, Aug 07, 2011
You shouldn't look for love... It will find you, however cheesy that sounds, friend. I fell in love unexpectedly and you can, too. If you don't, you can make a close friend. The world does not revolve around being "with" some girl. If it does for you, you need to change your priorities. There is nothing wrong with being celibate - it can be the best choice you've ever made. Just think of it as going on a vegetarian diet. Vegetables and grains can be just as nutritious and tasty if you prepare them well. You will forget about what meat tasted like, or not salivate over it anymore. I was once celibate and I will tell you now that it was a wise decision, because I waited until I found the right person ... And that makes all the difference ... Sex should not be just "sex" ideally it is a way of communicating with someone you are in love with. If you are celibate you can achieve that, trust me. It will WORK. EMBRACE BEING SINGLE because you WILL BE REWARDED.

Nelson, I think you should focus on living and the simple things it has to offer. Go outside and play like you did when you were a kid. I do that and it's so comforting for me. Visit the library and read about something you're interested in, like video games: you can read about how they're made or something.

Forgetting. Forget, forget, forget. You must forget about yourself and your problems for just one moment a day. Do something that takes all of your concentration, like solving a math problem or writing a story. FORGET about your girl problems, FORGET about your depression. Forget. Forgetting is how holocaust victims have survived. No, don't try to wish away what happened in your past, but wish away how those events effect you emotionally. It can be done. I've done it.

Oh, and remember that you are no worse than any other person. You are valuable and you can achieve anything if you really want it. Tell yourself, "I don't give a **** what my disorder demands of me, I'm going to DO WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!" You are human and humans have amazing capabilities! You're strong (you've made it this far without killing yourself, which is a victory), kind, considerate, and full of potential. USE the potential and those qualities to MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT, NELSON.

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by x89rt, Aug 19, 2012
I decided to keep this this journal going. I'm probaly not going to bother writing stuff in it in the future as much as I would like to, but I'll post at least one more.

First, I'll start with the above. I will break it down and post any comments I have on it in the order that it is written.

I have waited over two years since my last gf for another chance at love. In those two years, only ONE opportunity presented itself and that opportunity ended disasterously. The only good thing that came from it was the fact that I cut myself off from her and now I never have to talk to her again and therefore not get hurt by her.

As for the celibate thing, it is not by choice. I would love to have sex. Infact, I am scared of how badly I want sex. It's already been two years since my last one and it is driving me nuts. As written before, I am seriously considering looking for a relief outside of a relationship since I don't feel I will have one any time soon. However, currently, I am too wimpy to do it.

Being single has currently only given me feelings of jealousy and sadness.

I can't just go outside and play like if I was a kid. The only way that would work is if I had someone to play with me and currently I don't. If anything, being outside by myself would be worse since it would give me plenty of free time to think about my life, and very few things in my life are good right now.

I don't have enough interests to do something like go to the library. Plus, I have plenty of memories in the library that link to other bad memories. At least, if I went alone.

I do try to forget my problems, however, I do it in non productive ways, which just leaves the problems there and make them worse. Plus, considering the fact that I'm at a very critical moment in my life (college which costs serious money) this just doesn't help.

I suppose that there are many people wo do have problems worse than mine, but many of the ones I've seen around me seem mundane. Most of the people around me that DO have problems worse then mine are at least conditioned to handle them. I, however, am spoiled, lazy, emotionally and physically weak, and many many other negative qualities that greatly hinder my ability to overcome my problems, to the point where it is impossible.

I dont see myself as valuable. Best case scenario, I fix computers. The thing with that is, which do you think is easier, hiring a guy for, lets exaggerate $1,000, or raising a kid for 19 years wasting valuabe money and time that could be used for other stuff? I see myself as a horribly bad investment.

I don't have the emotional support required to force myself to not be sad by my disorder.

Although I have made it this far without killing myself, I have regularly thought about it before. I don't really think about it anymore as much, but that is mostly because I have convinced myself that that will most likely be the outcome. I will either live happily or torture myself until I can't handle living anymore.


128. Been a non improving year. Let's see if i can keep this journal going.

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by x89rt, Aug 23, 2012
129. School is very stressful, thankfully the semester just ended. Not thankfully thought, I already got a call from school saying I should register my next classes and that it will be starting in two weeks. I wanted to relax for longer, not that I know how to relax anyways.

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by x89rt, Sep 14, 2012
Well, the two weeks are up. The following was not caused by school, suprisingly.

130. It's days like this that my bipolar really shows itself. My mentality completely changes compared to happy moments. This really ***** especially since I'm a logical thinker, and if my logic changes based on my emotions, then it is basically hell.

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by x89rt, Nov 18, 2013
131. No improvements.

No friends, still stressed as hell from school and expectations. Still don't know how to enjoy myself and relax. Still wishing I was dead, unfortunately I don't have the balls to try anything either. Cried again today, kinda wished I cried a little more, but not like crying magically makes life better. Can't rely on parents cause what the **** are they going to do for me. Kinda feel bad for my bro because he's probably going to end up like me too, unfortunately I can't help him since I can't even help myself. Got stuff due tomorrow for school that I haven't even started yet. Have a speech that is already two weeks late. Started it but with the way my brain works I'll probably won't bother finishing it and just send the teacher a message. Just hoping I can still pass the class. The other assignment I do need to turn in to pass, that's the one I haven't started. Hopefully tomorrow morning my head will be better and at least I can half *** it. Already failed the class once, I can't afford to do it again. I have no motivation or any hope for my future. Life is just a waiting game in hell for me right now.

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