Aug 21, 2010
I tell my kids all the time that life is unfair. Yet when God was handing out riches, my kids got way more than their fair share so they really don't know what unfair really is. And who I am I to complain about my life and the "unfairness" of this posible dx? I have had a good life (no, it's not over but a MS dx certainly changes things). Why not me? Why should I be spared from something like this?
All my past medical challenges have had a beginning and an end. Surgery, medication, giving birth and all the complications of that. With this there is no end until the end of my life. It's a disease. A chronic, often progressive disease. I use to like the word progressive, now it has so many negative connotations to it. I don't want to be progressive!
As I was lying awake in bed this morning I started thinking about where this possible MS came from. Is it a genetic defect or did it start from a virus that I got when I was a kid (that pesky mono at 13 yrs that knocked me flat), or was I deficient in vitamin D in my childhood? I guess the where it came from only matters in the possible cure for this. That's the key, finding the beginning of all this.
Ultimately, I wouldn't change my genetics. I am who I am b/c of my genetics, the good, bad and ugly of it all. It is who I am and ultimately one's attitude about yourself and loving each and every part of you is what makes living with oneself tolerable, even enjoyable at times.
The vitamin D deficiency doesn't fit with me. I got more than my fair share of sun as a child. Brown, almost black up until my late teens. Swim team, laying out in the sun. I would bet I would have skin cancer before any vitamin D deficiency.
The mono is the only serious virus I can remember having as a child. Still remember how I got it too. That damn bottle of lip gloss at Weinstocks in the cosmetic department with Kary. Oh we just had to try every little display of makeup on the counter. I think at some point I realized it probably wasn't the smartest thing to use a lip gloss that dozens of other people had rolled across their lips. And at one point I am sure I wiped if off but I am also pretty sure I licked my lips right after. Ah, teens are never thinking clearly.
What ever I have, how ever I got it, I have it. It is what it is. Unfair or not. Doesn't really matter, doesn't change a thing. Guess at this point I have to hear my own words to my kids, sometimes life is unfair. Accept it!