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A red swim cap

Aug 21, 2010 - 0 comments

  It's been years since I really swam, like in laps in the pool.  I realized yesterday when it took me about 50 shakes of my head to get the water out of my ear, that between the water in my ears and my stringy hair, that I was going to have to get a swim cap.  It was weird cause I had the distinct feeling that whatever it is I have, is changing everything in my life, it was even pushing me into a store looking for a swim cap that I would never have been looking for w/o my odd symtoms.
  So in I go to a local swim shop.  It looked way too geared to the "professional" swimmer when I first walked in.  I quickly told the young 20 something guy there I was just looking for something to protect my hair and ears.  He directed me to a rack of $9 caps in a variety of colors but he handed me a red one.  I stood there for a moment and thought, "Why the hell not?"  
  As I got into the pool I noticed the water was much cooler today than all the previous days I had swam.  Hum, could I be getting some of my sensations (as in normal) back? One can hope and  I did wake up this morning physically feeling much better than I can remember.  The numbness was low key but still there in both my feet and alittle on my right shin area and right trunk.  Oh, if this is as bad as it gets and never gets any better I will be an incredibly happy woman.
  Anyway, I have a routine when I get into the pool.  Kicking, stretching and jumping like I am jumping rope.  Then I start my laps...back stroke, freestyle, breast, side stroke.  As I am doing back stroke I am amazed at how in spite of the years between my swim team days and now, it all comes back to me.  Pretty good I think.  The freestyle and the breast are another story. It's the breathing part that I am going to have to work on.
   My mind constantly wanders and I try and rein it in.  How am I going to break the news to my family and friends if I have MS?  How can I assure them that I will be alright when I don't really know what tomorrow will bring?  But in spite of that uncertaintly, it's okay, somehow I will get through this.  And there is a reason for this.  Oh, not the you did something wrong so now you have this or God gave this to me as a "test", but simply that everything happens for a reason and often times we are too stuck in our human nature, seeing only bits and pieces of what we want to see to see the big, real picture.  I just feel that what I am doing right now is exactly what I am supposed to be doing and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't have what I have medically wrong with me.  There is a plan here, I just need to let it unfold and trust that if I am listening, God will direct me in the right direction. Faith, girl, faith!
  I am only alittle afraid of dying, it's the process that is the most frightening to me.  Not that I will die of whatever it is I have now, but dying of anything is a messy business. I have seen enough of it. Of course the thought of having a currently incurable disease does make one think of one's own mortality.  
  Hum, why couldn't I just get cancer like everyone else I think as I am swimming.  Did I really just think that?  Yes.  Maybe it's the swim cap that makes me look like I have no hair that reminds me of friends/family who have battled (and are battling) cancer and have lost their hair.  So many cancers now a days are curable and so many of those cancers common to my family are very curable.  Yes, why couldn't I just have gotten cancer?  Yet...each moment right now I am happy and joyous.  Not EVERY moment, but most and I am oh so aware of what can be taken away from me everytime I take a walk with my dh, drive my car, walk upstairs, go to the bathroom all by myself, or cook a meal for my family.
  The family trips to Italy, to Hawaii, to Costa Rica.  Priceless.  And I want to do more. Now, every opportunity.  See, experience, share, love, enjoy, laugh, explore, reflect, marvel and live.  And I will do this, until I cannot any longer and many of those I can still do no matter what physical shape I am in, just in a different way.  But not yet God, not yet.

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