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Post dx day thoughts

Aug 24, 2010 - 1 comments

   Wrapped up last night with conversations with my dear girlfriend who was such a gem yesterday and my dh, who is out of state and returning tonight.  
    My gf seemed to have a hard time processing the dx.  She just found it so out from left field.  She was sure it was some sort of deficiency or pinched nerve.  We discussed how the news will spread in spite of any efforts I make to contain it.  You know after I tell my kids, they will tell their best friends who's mom's are friends of mine and who have friends who know me...   Yep, I just want to make sure I personally talk with those people who I need to talk to first so they don't hear it from someone else.  Not cool.

    I gave her update on other pending medical challenges that have now been put to rest. She made a comment about how I seem to be very sensitive to how my body is responding or reacting to something and I commented back, "How sensitive could I be if I have had MS for 20 years and not even known it?".

   I cannot stand the thought of people feeling sorry for me.   Don't know how I will respond to people looking at me with pity.  Just the thought of it makes my shoulders tense and I suddenly feel like I am in fighting mode.  I will not have that.  I will not tolerate that.  I am not a victim, not somebody who needs anyone's pity or sympathy.  Don't want you to cook any meals for me or my family.  Really we will be fine.  This isn't one of those events where you need to "do" something other than just be there to listen.

   That conversation lead to my telling her that I had only told four of my friends and my dh about my fears about what this really was, you know back before my dx just yesterday.  Each of those friends had responded in very different ways but each was very supportive and maintained communciation with me, except one.   And in spite of this emotional roller coaster that one friend popped into my mind from time to time.  

    What the heck, is there something going on in her life that has prevented her from emailing, calling, texting, or phoning?  She is such a loving, caring, compassionate person, I cannot believe that she has responded to my fears about having MS with silence, yet that is what I have gotten from her.  If she hadn't actually sent me a short reply that she would be thinking about me after I updated her on what I thought I had, I would have thought that she hadn't gotten the message.  Now I am thinking that this may be another casualty of this disease.  People don't know how to respond so they don't.  Another ripple.

   I haven't broken down since the dx.  Maybe it's b/c my dh isn't home and I just can't allow myself to lose it.  Maybe part of it it that I cried so much in the weeks leading up to this dx.  Maybe it's just that the reality just hasn't sunk in.

   Just as recently as last week I just kept wanting someone, something to save me. I am drowning.  Like a child looks to a parent for rescue.  Save me medical science, save me God, save me my body.  I need something to save me from a dx of MS.  The reality of what it could be and the knowledge that there was no cure was haunting.  If I have this, I will have it until the day I die.  Oh boy, don't want to embrace that.

   Had a decent night's sleep in spite of the day I had yesterday.  Did I forget about this dx at some point during the night?  Yes I did.  Of course it all came back to me from time to time but how sweet it was to have those moments of losing the memory of yesterday.  I had no desire to read any of the material about MS the neuro gave me yesterday.  The only thing I read was the spinal MRI report and the drug info on solumedrol.  One of it's many uses is for "acute exacerbations of MS".  That's me.  I have been having an acute exacerbation of MS these last 4 months and not even known it.  

   A couple of my friends sent me emails yesterday checking to see status of dx.  I felt so bad that it had taken most of the day to get back to them.  After all I had asked for their prayers and they had responded and were left hanging.  It had been such an overwhelming day though that it was all I could do to get through each moment as it was happening.  Having extra to spare was not a possiblility.  I eventually got back to them but at a different speed than I am use to.  I suspect that won't be the first time that this consumes me temporarily.  My new reality, my new life.

  When I woke this morning I did a physical assessment.  Okay, so how bad was yesterday's news and stress on my symptoms?  Surprisingly my numbness is still fading.  In fact, dare I say the numbness is the least amount it has been since this whole flare up started back in April?   Hadn't that been a big fear of mine that the symptoms were now here to stay?  Yet here they were continuing to fade.

Am I on my way to remission for another 10 years?  Why the heck not?  I have done it before, before I knew what I was even fighting for, now that I do and am able to take more precautions, why the heck not?  A person with MS who is atypical in spans between relapses, remissions and recovery. Yeah, I like that.  I once read that a goal is just a dream with the time frame.  10 years, I am shooting for at least 10 years before I have a return of symptoms/exacerbations.  Ha, I think, first let me get into remission.  That will start today with the solumedrol hopefully.   Okay, first day post dx here we come.

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by michelleislay, Aug 24, 2010
amazing.  i am all teary reading through this post.  you have a fabulous outlook and are truly inpiring.  

i am routing for you!!!!  

go jujuminx, go!!!!

xo michelle

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