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This thing with my husband is driving me crazy...............

Aug 27, 2010 - 18 comments
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husband

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crazy

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family

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The last half a year or so has been SOOOOOO stressful with my husband and my marriage.  He told me he wanted to seperate to "work on himself and experience other things."  He always let me know that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, he just had some issues.  And, with him just coming out of rehab and with how crappy our relationship had been in the past.... I understand.

Then I found out that after he told me we were "seperated" he immediatly started a relationship with a woman 17 years older than he is.  That really didn't last very long, and he came back to me and told me that he loved me and he wanted to be with his family.  For just a short while, things were great.  Then I started noticing strange texts on his phone and I just had a gut feeling he was still talking to her.

I had a feeling last night he was going to tell me that he was going "camping" or some other lame excuse tonight.  He didn't say anything, didn't grab any extra clothes, or anything like that, but I still just had a bad feeling.  I got a text from him earlier saying he had gone to Ada with his mom (she has a second home there) and that he had been working on her home and lawn ans his job today.  He told me that his mom (who is a professor at a college in Ada, ECU) had meetings today and didn't know if she would be finished in time to bring him back to meet his ride (me and my cousin) at 5:45.  He said his parents would have to bring him home either tonight or tomorrow.  He hasn't been ignoring me, he has been taking my calls, I don't think he would do that if he was with that sk*nk but I can't help but think something is fishy since I had that feeling he was going to be gone tonight.  

I haven't had a chance to get ahold of his mother yet to see if he is really in Ada with her.  I don't know what to do, but his feeling is terrible!!  I just really don't want to have to worry about her anymore!!!!!!!!!!

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973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Aug 27, 2010
Hi.  I've been reading your story for a while now.  I don't know what to tell you.  I don't think he is on a path to sobriety at this point.  It is a common error that those who enter treatment make which is to immediately hook up with another and derail their relationships.  It is a sign that they will relapse most likely.  Is your husband still off drugs?  If not, you can not be with him.  If he is, then I think that you were very quick to take him back.  Desperately so.  It does not seem you have required him or yourself to do any of the work to make this a real relationship.  I really feel for you because you seem like a nice woman.  I know you have your hands full and being pregnant and having a little one as well.  I hope that things become clearer for you and you can go on to have a happy life---- you and your children. best wishes

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 27, 2010
It's OK that you don't know what to tell me.  He is actually doing really well with his sobriety- and things have been going pretty good since he "came back."  But the trust level is 0 and I am all too aware that we can probably never have a normal relationship, and even though I am trying desperatly to take this day by day.  I do realize I was quick to take him back.  But, I really have tried to take him back with a "grain of salt" so to speak.  We have both been going to counseling seperatly and are about to start together.

I just want to work on this the right way but there is just no trust!!!!  Ugghhh!!!  I would really like to see if we could have a nice, normal, functioning relationship without the drugs and all, but it still feels like that woman is in the way.  And it could just be my mind playing tricks on me.  I hate playing this role of the jealous wife.  I want to be able to trust him, he probably really is with his mother, but this is just really bugging me.

Thanks for the best wishes, if I do find out he was with her tonight --- I can promise myself, you, God, and everyone else that  I really would be done with him.  I feel desperate sometimes but not that desperate.

1303813 tn?1303159362
by Cassandrajane, Aug 27, 2010
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My bf when we was going through a rough patch this EXACT time last year...
he said he was doing over time at work, when he wasnt at all..We broke him he got a GF, who I didnt know about untill teh day I found out about my pregnancy that had to go :(  Anyways he said he was going away for 2 days with these mates, Turned out he went with her. Now I refuse to go to that place!!!

anyways, he didnt answer any of my calls or anything then a week later we found out about my pregnancy and that day he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me???.

So personally from experience I dont think he would answer calls if he was with another woman. But that is based on experience...

We are back together now without it going wrong for once after about 3 months, we lasted nearly a year... and I still worry because of the past thats never gonna go away. Men need to understtand we need reasurance... *rolls eyes and tuts*

I am sorry this has happened to you, I think he is silly because you seem lovely and he seems silly and doesnt realise what he has is sooooo great untill he lost it...

But from experience I dont think he was with her.

And the best thing to do it talk to him, and if he says but its not happening stop worrying, turn around and say exactly this.

'But you have to think about it from my point of view, If it was me who went through everything you did broke up with you and then got with someone 17 years older and then got back with me and then started acting weird and things, how would you feel? You will always have these gut feelings and insecurities and everything, I honestly just need reasurance. its not a trust issue as such because its not like you cheated, Buutt I need to know its me and the fam 100%. Please.

Hope this works

xx

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 27, 2010
I have actually tried to tell him exactly that.  "Ross, put yourself in my shoes.  How would you feel?  I need constant reassurance but I don't think that is a bad thing or too much to ask, not at this point.  Every pregnant woman needs reassurance, especailly one who has been through so much as of late like me."

I really don't think from past experience that if he was with her he would be answering the phone and texting me back either .... but ... of course I can't help but think the worst!

Thanks for saying that he is not realizing he has something great right now.  See, I need assurance, and that from you made me feel better.

Thanks **

1303813 tn?1303159362
by Cassandrajane, Aug 28, 2010
No its not too much to ask. And they should understand. I suffer from paranoia. For the past 2 years, me and my boyf have been through HELL. He has even been texting other girls who told him they love him, and telling him to leavve me andt things. And he knows know that I am not being stupid (Taken him a long time) but I suffer from paranoia anxiety Body dysmorphic disorder, all from anorexia. And he thought i wa jjust being a d!ck. But since he saw the letter that I have been sent for professional help with this all. That yeah.

But this past year (our 3rd year) has been different. We bbroke up sept 9th last year. he got another Gf like I said but apprently they never got to together. But he always had pictures of me around whilst he was with her (She was someone I went to school with as well. and she told him alot of lies) I went through a termination because of me being so ill and stuff now we are so solid. And he went to me when we got back together, I wish we never broke up. I didnt realise what I had untill you was gone.

It's the truth he doesnt realise what he has is wonderful. And he wouldn't find it anywhere else. Sit him down and say, if we dont sort this ourselves and you listen to my needs for once, we might need professional help. Or say i'll come and bash some sense into him :)

x

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 30, 2010
Well I was right to be worried.  Not that he wasn't with his mom on Friday night because he was.  But, when he came home on Saturday he was acting weird.  At first he was hugging on me and telling me how much he loved me, which he realy hasn't done much of that lately. Then he told me that he thought we should go ahead and get divorced ( I had filed while we were seperated, hearing Sep 29th.)  He said we didn't have to be married to be together.

I kept pressing him why about this, was he wanting to not be in a committed relationship?  After hours of talking and crying, we ended up right back to where we started.  He HAD started talking to that b***h on the phone again earlier in the week, and just because of that, he wants to throw away his wife and family to try to be with her.  Even though he says he doesn't think she likes him very much.

He kept telling me that he loves me soo much and he wants to be with me, he just can't be with me right now.  (I think he wants to be with her first and get his fill of her first and then be with me.)  He says he needs time to work on himself (again, I think it has to do with her.)  But here is the really strange thing - he is still living in my home.  He is still sleeping in my bed.  We are still making plans like a couple, except occasionally he will say something out of the blue such as "are you keeping my last name once the divorce is final?"  He has been hugging on me and kissing on me and telling me he loves me more than he ever did when we were "together."  He says he wants to be with me and he sees me as his soulmate and he thinks about 6 months or so down the line we will be together again.  If we get divorced, when we are together again it will be like completely starting over.

Another crazy thing- he asked if he could keep living in my house because he has no where to go!  He got upset when I told him he would have to continue to buy the groceries and the baby formula and food to contribute, and he told me that he needed to save up to get an apartment for himself!  I told him that if we get divorced he would have to pay child support, and he said that was fine but that he "wasn't going to pay twice."  I asked what that meant and he said that when the kids came to see him, I better send them with all the food, clothes, everything they would need.  Even things like a pack n play for them to sleep in and baby gates and stuff!!  Isn't he supposed to provide those things in his home for the children PLUS pay child support??  He says these things but then he acts like he is never really leaving...... so I don't know.  If anyone out there reads this and has any type of advice for me at all, I'm all ears.............

1123420 tn?1350561158
by ammanda, Aug 30, 2010
Wow Hun! this seems so messed up. Kinda sound like my relationship..  I personally would tell him to get out now! you dont have to provide him with a place to stay. get the divorce and kick him out, collect your child support. and no, when the kids go to him you do not have to send that crap, its his resonsibility to provide that.  No man should ever expect to be with someone else other then there wife and expect to still live at home with his wife.  Have you ever met this woman? do you know who she is?   You really need to stand up and tell him NO!  You do not deserve that hun, and I know I dont know you at all, but NO ONE deserves that.  he has not right to say "lets get a divorce, im gonna go be with someone else, and im gonna still live here, kiss you, sleep in ur bed, tell you I love you, live off your money and food, and maybe 6 months down the road get back together"    SCREW THAT.. you do not want him to have the control.. you take control... i know you prolly love him, but read what I wrote in quotations over and over again.. Do you really want that? Do you think you deserve that at all?

Me and my DB experienced some hard times after my son was born 4 months ago, we just could not get along at all.  We broke up and I moved back in with my mother and took our son.  Well some crap happend at his place and he got kicked out, so I let him come live with me and my mom.  But he made it clear we were not together.. But he would come home kiss me say I love you, he always gave me a kiss goodbye.  and slept in my bed and cuddled with me. we did that for about a month and a half, and I didnt care cause he wasnt with anyone else, and neither was I.  but then stuff got even more messed up, and We both slept with other people.  But it ment nothing, we talked about it, and explained to each other.  and even though were still working on trying to get over and not think about it, we are still toegher and there are no one else in our lives...  We have a complicated relationship, i mean completly crazy, like all that, we fight everyday about dumb sh**.  Weve sent each other to jail. but at the end of the day we still love each other..  I know im stupid for putting up with what I do... but hun I would never ever let my man live with me, while knowing hes off with someone else, and expect me to to take care of all the expenses...

I know its hard, but stand up for yourself hun! show your children in the long run how strong there mommy is!!! Im always here if you need someone to talk to.

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 30, 2010
I know it is way messed up.  Let me explain a little more..... he is saying he wants to go be with her again.  He hasn't.  He goes to work and he comes home and he was home this weekend and says he's going to be home next weekend.  I have told him the MINUTE he actually walks out that door and lays a finger on her, I will never take him back not in a million billion years.  I have all ready taken him back once and tried to forgive and understand what happened, but it's like he got upset because I didn't want him to still be texting her on the phone.  So right now I am just taking it day by day, or more like hour by hour, and so far it has been words only, he hasn't actually done anything.  He still has a chance to realize what he is doing is compeltely crazy and make the right decision.  But the minute he leaves our home, I will know he is going to be with her and he will never, ever have another chance with me.  Never.  I am done with that, I have always treated him well and taken such good care of him, and that is how he repays me.  Telling me he loves me more than anything and he wants to be with me just "not right now."  It's not like he is out with her all day and then comes home to me.  I wouldn't let that happen.

I am really hoping this is some kind of really weird freak out.  It seems to have made him feel better and more open since he told me "we're not together anymore."  He is being more affectionate than he has been in a long, long time.  Right now he is still living there and acting like a husband and providing grocery money, etc.

If and when he does leave, though, it's on.  I will know he has left me PREGNANT to be with this 41 year old LOSER he met in rehab for Christs sake.  I have never met her but I have seen a pic of her and she is not someone that I would have left me for.  And once he leaves I will proceed with the divorce, going after sole custody like I first planned on doing.  He thinks he will have the kids every other week.  WRONG.  I have all ready talked to the judge about that.  And the fact that he thinks he will only pay child support if I will help him basically support our kids on his time --- he would really only be paying child support so I could buy a bed for them to sleep in in HIS apartment, and so on.  He's crazy.  He doesn't realize how much money I spend right now on our kids and our house.  I don't know if I said this above but he actually asked if I would give him money to help him get an apartment!!  I would hate to be him because he has no shame or dignity.  He is selfish and it is terrible that he wants money for himself and doesn't care that all my money goes towards my family.

I say that things will be OK if this is just something he is saying and he stays and it blows over.  I don't know, I don't know if that can be true.  He has really hurt me, I really wouldn't know what to do.  I don't think I can forgive him for this, whether this is just all talk or whether he actually goes out and ***** her.  It is just so hard because I love him and he is the father of my children.  But I know that I deserve better than this.  I deserve someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me and me only.  Someone who wants to take care of me emotionally, spiratually, and financially.  I have asked him if he thinks I deserve someone that loves me and wants to be with me?  His answer --- "I love you and I know someday I will want to be with you again."

He just makes no sense at all

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Aug 30, 2010
Arrrggg.  Sorry.  I will say it again-------- you were too quick to take him back last time and absolutely no work was done to turn this into a normal adult relationship.  From what you've said, he's never worked and supported his family (you and his children), he's used drugs the majority of your relationship and is a ticking time bomb from to relapse, he's cheated on you, is wishy washy about being with her or being with you . . . and he has no cash and needs a place to hang out for a while until he can figure out how to live somewhere else.  Exactly what is in this for you?  

Rarely do I say something like this but for you to stay with him is borderline silly at this point.  And the fact that you want to makes me very very worried for you.  You need to continue with your therapy and address why you'd be willing to take him back so fast and do anything to stay with him.  This is not healthy.

I'm speaking rather strongly here and please know it is not to be mean or cold to you.  It is actually because I like you.  You have a good heart it seems to me and just want a normal life.  It's just that the "normal" you've had for so long is so dysfunctional------ you aren't sure what normal is anymore and thus, settle for what is presented to you.  I feel for you as this is a viscious cycle.  I so hope that you are able to walk away from this man.  It would be the best thing for you for a number of reasons including your own sobriety after you have your baby.  
I wish you all the best.  

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Aug 31, 2010
I'm sorry, I'm with specialmom here.  There is no way in heck that I would allow him back into my home if he was not willing to let the other woman go and commit himself fully to our marriage.  The fact that he's saying to you that he wants to be with her, well it speaks volumes of where his respect for you is.  Most likely he wants her because she does drugs with him and he knows that if he's with you, he has to change himself.  He's obviously not ready for that.  Wouldn't you want him with you because he loves you, wants a family with you and is ready to be the man of your dreams?  The way it's going now it looks like this is just out of convenience for him.  He has no where else to go.  Is that what you want?  The minute he finds a place he's gone.  As much as it hurts and it is hard, you need to let him go.  If he likes the other woman so much, let him stay with her.  This is not healthy for you or your children and it's all too confusing.  These types of relationships rarely get better.  I wish you luck, I know this is difficult but you need to be strong for your children now.

1303813 tn?1303159362
by Cassandrajane, Aug 31, 2010
You have to tell him he cant have the best of both worlds, even though you love him, You wont be here when it goes wrong again. Because you cant keep getting hurt, Because its not fair on you or the kids. And yes he does need to provide these things AND pay child support. Because in the UK... if you're broken up and the child is going to the other parents house and wants to stay over (if this is agreeed by the courts) the house must be checked and these things must be in place before the child is able to go over and stay at that persons house.
Seriously men these days...

He needs to know that he cant have the best of both worlds,... Why dont you make him sleep in like a spare room or on the sofa, and be like we are not together because you chose her over your WIFE so we better start acting that way. So no more telling me you love me and things because you may love me and you may think there is hope in the future, but mate, there isnt at all... So get used to it. You may love me...but you gotta think that if you really loved me that much you wouldnt be screwing me over like this, I forgave you the first time. But now there is no hope sonny jim.

The judge will talk to you about the child support stuff and that YOU have to pay for the resources for OUR children... they will be in your care. So you gotta pay. End of. You chose this path follow it..

(I am sorry I sound soooo harsh, but its the truth and he needs to learn it. If needs be, I will tell you I Love You :) haha......)
But Like Mami said these types of relationships rarely get better, I know I am only 17 and a little baby myself. But I grew up with this all the time, as well as violence and things like that... and I sound big headed right now. But My relationship went down the loo this time last year. And my Bf got a trampy rebound (They were seeing eachother) if that ever happened again he can f*ck off... I know where you are coming from...

I have learnt that Love isnt all what it is lived up to be.... and Love is sometimes just a word people like your erm 'man' think it means something when they say it, but they are just saying the word, not the meaning. In a way thats what my 3yr old brother does. He will say I Love You to anyone... LOL... and I am sorry, but personally your 'man ' isnt saying the meaning to the greatest thing going, he is only saying the word. And sometimes that word ruins alot...

He is an idiot and like I said.... he already has realised he has lost the greatest thing in his life (Thats you;])

I am sorry. I am here if you need to talk to anyonee..

xx

Avatar universal
by becca_3456, Aug 31, 2010
After reading this, this is the only advice I can give you..........KICK HIS *** OUT NOW!!!! He sounds like a child, he wants to play with his "new toy" but keep his "old toy" just in case the new one gets broken. He is an A$$! You and your children do not need a little boy that is trying to make up his mind, you need a MAN that will take responsibility for his family and provide for them. Why are you letting him decide what he wants to do? You should be making the decision to kick him out and take him to court for child support. I mean it is really stupid for him to say "hey honey I want a divorce but I want to live in my house until then because my sorry butt has no where to go"!!! STUPID! Tell him since he wants a divorce he can pack his **** and go stay with his Wh*re. IF he loved you he would NOT be saying that he wants to be with you "someday" he would want to be with you NOW. Please, please, please dont let him dictate what you will do. If he is telling you that he wants a divorce then GIVE HIM ONE. You dont deserve to be treated like this. Sometimes it really amazes me how much **** a woman will take from a man. Be strong and kick him to the curb. Your life will be so much easier without all the pain and doubt that you will have if you stay with him.  

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 31, 2010
I know everyone is right and I don't understand myself why I haven't said "get the f**k out NOW".  This is just not me.  It is like I am standing on the sidelines along with everyone else watching this unfold and telling myself "Nooo!!  What are you doing?  Are you crazy?"  But then for some reason I can't make myself act on it.  I suppose I am still just shocked that he can be such an *******.  After everything we went through for me to forgive him and let him back in my life the first time, this is how he repays me.  This is what he thinks of me.  It just makes me sick.  It makes me sick and it makes me hate myself that I love him.  He doesn't deserve my love, he doesn't deserve my compassion, and he is just taking advantage of the fact that I have always taken care of him and he thinks I won't kick him out and let him be on his own.  I am just having trouble coming to terms with the fact that it looks like he NEVER really loved me or respected me, he was just with me because I was there and I was convenient.  What I thought was love and loyalty, was just him being terrified of losing the person who was taking care of him.  I don't think he knows how to love.  After all he has done to me, if I had the chance to do exactly to him as he has done to me, I wouldn't do it because I love him and I have empathy for him.  Hell, I wouldn't do this to a casual acquantaince.  

What just confuses me and I hate this, I absolutely hate this, is when I actually see the human side of him and I see him for what he really is.  A scared confused little boy who has no idea what he wants.  And I know that I don't need him and his drama in my and my childrens' lives, I know I need to get rid of him like yesterday, but why is there this part of me that wants to make sure he is OK?  I feel like he is going through some kind of major crisis, and I have no idea why I think it is my responsibility WHATSOEVER to nurse him through his pain.  He is not there for me, in fact I think in some weird sick way he is getting off on how bad he is hurting me.  He has it in his head that I just treated him so terribly for 8 years, I really think this is some sick twisted way to get back at me for things I never did.  I always did the best I could, but for Christ's sake, yes sometimes I got angry when he would get so ****** up he wrecked how many of our cars??  He embarrassed me in public because he would be so messed up he would just fall over on me or even worse on some stranger.  I was always afraid we were going to be noticed by the police because he was just out of control.  So yeah, sometimes I probably came across as a little bitchy, but I think I was much nicer about all that than 99.9% of anyone else would have been.  He has no idea what he had and he has no idea what he is losing.  I want some satisfaction to know that someday he is going to wake up and realize he lost the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he never really did anything to deserve me in the first place.  He should be thanking God that I ever gave him the time of day, much less 8 years and two beautiful daughters.  I am not saying that in a way to be conceited, but just that all he cared about was getting high and taking care of number one, himself, he never cared anything about me.  I'm just having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I have lived in a fantasy land for almost a decade.  I never had this man that loved and adored me and really wanted to have a life with me.  I would take the smallest things that he did that made me happy and run with it and I created a relationship out of just a few things.  It is so sad.  What a sad person I must be.

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Aug 31, 2010
Stop hating yourself.  This is the problem right there, you have such low self worth.  You are not the one with the issues, this is him.  Although, I do believe you are co-dependent and a partial enabler, but he is seriously messed up.  He is not a boy, he is a man or at least should be acting like one.  He has never taken care of himself and you've allowed it for a long time.  Instead of feeling sorry for yourself take this anger and use it to get strong and to not allow this man to use and abuse you any longer.  I don't mean for that to sound harsh but I think you know you deserve better than this.  You don't have to take care of him, he is not your child.  No one is perfect and if he can't appreciate you then he isn't worth your blood, sweat and tears.  Use your head here and not your heart.

879179 tn?1287503465
by jade_and_janessas_mommy, Aug 31, 2010
Mami you are absoluetly right, and there is no reason for me to have low self worth and low self esteem.  I am not unattractive (not that that is the most important thing here anyways), I am a very nice, sweet, caring person that would do just about anything for anybody.  I am a good mother and I just want to live a good life.  There is not reason for me to get down on myself.  I honestly can't beleive how messed up he really is.  I just had lunch with an old mutual friend of ours, and he told me some things that really hit me right in the stomach.  It was things I all ready knew, but to hear them from my friend, and telling me he was so concerned about me and my feelings and how I was doing when he heard what Ross was doing, made me realize what I all ready knew.  He is just wanting to keep me around for when this whatever this is with that old ***** doesn't work out.  I am his second choice, just like I was his second choice to drugs or whatever else was in his life at the time.  He has never been a man and taken care of me and put me and my feelings first.  The only thing that matters to Ross is Ross.  I usually think everyone deserves to be happy and try not to wish bad things on anyone, but right now I think he deserves to suffer at least for a while.  Since he only cares about Ross, maybe he needs to see what it feels like when he is the only person caring about Ross.  I am done caring about him and being afraid to hurt him.  He has hurt me more than anyone ever deserves to be hurt, especially while pregnant, and I am really starting to feel like I want bad things to happen to him.  I know that isn't healthy either but I think it is more towards being on the right track with this than I have been.

1303813 tn?1303159362
by Cassandrajane, Aug 31, 2010
Just dosh him in the head! :) Make you feel better. :) How was your lunch? LOL...

xx

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Sep 01, 2010
Well I think for now the anger is good.  It will give you the strength you need.  Write down all the horrible things this man has ever done to you and whenever you start feeling sentimental about him or start feeling sorry for him, whip out that paper and read it.  You will change tunes really quickly.  Good luck.  It's never easy to end a marriage or relationship, especially when children are involved but this man isn't healthy for you or them.  Good luck.

Avatar universal
by cheshchesh819, Sep 01, 2010
he is having his cake and eating it,and sorry to say this but you are letting him,how ever much it hurts get him out of your house and give yourself some breathing space,how much more must this man do to you,you deserve so much more,come on the man has cheated on you lied told you his demands when he do leave,taken drugs,come on start getting the strength to tell him your demands,he is walking all over you,you have said it yourself all he thinks about is himself,its about time you started putting you first,as above posts have said it is not easy to end a relationship,but anything got to be better than living in limbo,waiting til he has had his fun whilst you are at home looking after both yours and his children,good luck i hope you make the right choices.

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