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Letting life unfold

Aug 28, 2010 - 0 comments

  It's funny how a dx of MS can change everything including how you go about living every minute of everyday in action and thought.

  On Friday the 27th I had an appt for a gf to come over so I could break the news to her that I had MS.  She and I are very two diferent people who look at life in very different ways but somehow we have formed a relationship that I am sure will last for decades to come.  I could tell from her response to my req  to come over to my house for coffee instead of meeting at Starbucks, which is our usual morning meeting place, that she knew something was amiss.  "Is everything alright?" She asked.  Yes, I said, just come over and all will be explained.  As I headed to my house after dropping my kids off at school I went into Starbucks to order my friends coffee to take to my house.  Problem after problem and almost 10 minutes after I stepped into Starbucks I still didn't have her coffee in hand.  I began to think about how we go about living our lives, living it minute by minute.  Am I a going to let these minutes be wasted on being frustrated, feeling like I am somewhere I am not supposed to be or am I just going to let the time unfold and show me what it has to reveal?  I am where I am for a reason I kept thinking, just let it happen.  Ah, how much easier it felt to just live in the moment rather than push for something I had no control over, like give me my freaking coffee, I have someplace to be?!

   Breaking the news to my gf was somewhat amusing.  She covered her ears and said, "I don't think I am going to want to hear this."  I laughed and was somewhat appreciative of her honesty and, usual ability to make me feel so at ease. I quickly gave her the news, focusing on the fact that it was the dx that was new, not anything else.  Everything else was exactly as it had been.  Her response was, "Thank God it's not cancer!"  Goodness, hadn't that been my exact opposite reaction when I realized that I had MS?  God, I wish it were something like cancer that can be fixed with chemo and radiation?!  Funny how we all look at things differently.  She seemed to readily accept my explaination of my dx and treatment and after about 2 hours of talking, I gave her permission to share appropriately with mutual friends of ours emphazing the "positive" of finally having a dx and being able to move forward.
  After talking the dogs for a quick walk, having a little something to eat, then getting into the pool for a relaxing swim, I headed out to get my hair cut.  For years I had seen the same hairdresser with hit and miss results.  The haircuts were normally good but she was always so distracted and far behind in her schedule, waiting was always part of the equation.  About 8 months ago I had started to go to someone new, a husband and wife team who cut and colored hair.  I was getting to the age where coloring my hair was becoming more and more of a consideration.  For some reason I could never get completely comfortable with this husband and wife team.  They were certainly pleasant enough but the energy or something just wasn't there for me.  After calling them once to make an appt this week and not getting through, I decided to call a mom of a friend of my kids who cuts hair that I have really clicked with.  If I needed any help in making the decision,  my dh nudged me along when I wondered outloud why it seemed  important to make any change at all.  "Call her."  He said, "Wha't's her number?"  He said as he picked up the phone to dial.

  So off I went to get my haircut by this school mom that I liked but didn't really know.  My time unfolded beautifully with her. We clicked, had a great conversation about our kids, school, our lives, even our views on art.  And unexpectedly, she cut my hair in a way that I hadn't expected and loved!  Wow.  "I love it, I told her."  She was pleased, I was pleased. Yes, this new relationship is going to work out.  I like living like this I thought. Gotta get more into letting things unfold and not trying to force something to remain the same if it is suppose to change or be afraid of trying something new.

Straight from the haircut I headed out to pick my sister up from the airport for her less than 24 hr layover here in Dallas.  Ah....hit a traffic jam.  I am going to be late.  My mom is calling about a possible house sale for us and now I can feel my shoulders beginning to tense.  Relax, relax I tell myself. Stress has always been my historical trigger for my MS relapses (funny how smart you get in putting the pieces together once you have a dx).  I have to find another way to work through stress I tell myself. Being tense isn't an option anymore.  I have fixed my diet, increased my exercise, am am sleeping well and getting great medical care. The missing link of reducing stress is a must for me if I am going to be even remotely sucessful in moving forward in my self care phase of my life.

   So I turn up the music on the radio tell myself that I will get to where I am suppose to be when I get to where I am suppose to be.  No calls, no texts, not anything but letting each minute unfold right there on the highway sitting in my car.  God has me where He wants me right now experiencing what I am suppose to be experiencing and learning.  I arrived at the airport late but 3 mintues before my sister stepped ouf of the airport lobby. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  

   It took most of the 1/2 hour drive to my next appt to give her the news on my dx.  I revealed it slowly, reminding her of my history of numbness.  For me anyway, it's key people understand from the beginning  of my explaination of my dx that this has been present in my body for a long, long time. Nothing has changed as far as my body was concerned, I just had more answers for my head.

   We had a wonderful visit that night and she helped break the news to my parents.  It wouldn't have been the same, the same feeling, the same experience, the same outcome had she not been present.  How had this happened that she had come to Dallas at just this exact time when it was so important to the telling of my story to the family?  Somethings you cannot explain, you cannot piece together, you cannot make sense of b/c the details are so complicated.  It just works b/c it's supposed to be that way, b/c that is the way God has designed it.  Don't see it sometimes?  Well then you are just not looking or listening. That's okay thought b/c sometimes the beauty in it is that it is revealed when we are ready to see it.  They go hand in hand, being ready and seeing.

  All in all my parents seemed to take the news in stride. I guess you don't get to live into your 70's with all that that entails and not be able to roll with the punches.  Good, I thought, it's a relief as each family group is informed of my dx.  Maybe things will start to get back to a new normal, whatever that looks like.

   I was pleased when my sister said she was interested in reading my journal entries.  Hum, I thought, she and I think very differently, I wonder if reading my thoughts about all this will bring out more of that scientist in her, have the exact opposite reaction or be somewhere inbetween?  Oh, I think, not for me to ponder over, that is her journey.  Let the ripples, whatever they may be, begin.

   On Sunday we told my dh's parents over the phone.  We had tried to get together with them personally but it just wasn't happening so we didn't fight it anymore.  Better to just pass on the info, field the questions and move on to the next item on the list. And suddendly there are so many things on our list!  Again, all in all it went well. I have been impressed with everyone's questions (ie, how do you get it, what are symptoms, is there a family link, what can I expect in the future, etc).  By the end of the weekend the major players in the family had been informed and we breathed a sigh of relief.  It actually had been a lot easier than we had anticipated.  But I guess thinking back on it, it is always easier when the person who has whatever it is they have isn't you.  Funny how that seems so obvious now.

  I have missed writing a lot of details in this journal in the last few days. There is a lot missing but I was out living it rather than writing it.  As bits and pieces come back to me I will add or amend but for now this is as complete as it's going to get.  

  There are a lot of first now.  And obviously there are friends who know and friends who don't know which makes for some ackward moments when someone is asking you how you are feeling in front of someone who doesn't know you are "sick".  Not that I look or feel sick but it will take some time for some of the people around me to adjust to this new version of the dx me.  Suffice to say it is not far from my mind most of the time.  The questions of why me are long gone and there is a sense that I am on a long journey that began most unexpectedly and it's destination is a complete mystery.  Ha, how's that for just letting go and letting God take you where He wants with no stress?!

  There are often moments where I feel Him guiding me.  He is speaking all the time.  And for sometime I have prayed to be in a position of sharing His word.  I guess He is giving me an opportunity to do that now.  Be careful of what you pray for I use to tell myself, you may just get it but in God's way, in God's time and through God's plan.  All I can do is let it unfold and live it cause ready or not life is moving forward and taking me along with it.

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