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Attack

Aug 31, 2010 - 1 comments

I'm sitting here, counting down the hours until I have to be to work. Counting the hours that have passed as sleep I won't be getting tonight. Counting to ten a million times over in my head in a desperate attempt to not panic.

There's no reason for it. I'm at home and I'm fine. My family is fine. Nothing has happened. But here I sit, the familiar tingling sensation, the heat, the choking, and the pain rising from my feet up to my head. My thoughts are what if and oh no and what's wrong and not again and I can't do this anymore. I know it's anxiety, but that thought can't fight it's way through the mess of my mind to a clearing. A place where it stands out, where I can see it and acknowledge it and pay attention only to it. It's stuck in the middle of my mind's mosh pit, being thrown about and trampled. It's lost in the crowd.

Fear is the worst feeling in the world. I'd rather have my heart broken a million times over than be scared all the time, especially when it's for no apparent reason. And the worst fear is the "I'm going insane" fear. It doesn't make sense, and I can't properly explain what it's like, but try to imagine that you're certain you're about to go insane this very second, that you're going to have some psychotic break and do who knows what. It's ******* scary. And it's not true, because I've been told about a bajillion times that people who actually "go crazy" don't know they're going crazy. They don't fear it because they don't recognize it as being abnormal. Gosh I hope that's true.

Still I feel like I'm trying to hold it all together, and I'm about ready to burst. I feel like one day I'm going to break, and I'm going to be crazy. Psycho killer crazy, mumbling to myself crazy, paranoid crazy, I don't know. Just crazy. I'm really so scared of that, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be crazy or hurt anyone. Ever.

This is so horrible. I hate it.

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1294106 tn?1361058685
by stylesC, Aug 31, 2010
Fear is the opposite of faith. Perfect Love casts out fear. Think of the story of the disciples witnessing Jesus amidst the storms out in the ocean. The storms were representative of the many trials we go through in life. He reached out his hands for peter to come out to him.

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Mat 14:29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
Mat 14:30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
Mat 14:31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth [his] hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
Mat 14:32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

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Wendy, did  you read that. I am in tears right now typing this. In tears that not only does it remind me of what I go through in life, but what you talk about is what multitudes of people suffer with in silence. This truly truly makes my soul shiver and tremble and the truth and enormous power behind the word of God.

Please, let not the winds of life trouble you. Okay? I don't know what else to say to you but keep on referring to God because it is the only truth I could ever eternally tell you. If i told you something else I would be lying to you and God will punish me. Please ponder upon that passage above okay?

God loves you sooooo much!! and you know what. I go through the EXACT same thing too. Perfect love casts out fear. Remember that! God will never give you a burden to heavy to carry.

take care much love and God bless you eternally.

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