Aug 31, 2010
I'm sitting here, counting down the hours until I have to be to work. Counting the hours that have passed as sleep I won't be getting tonight. Counting to ten a million times over in my head in a desperate attempt to not panic.
There's no reason for it. I'm at home and I'm fine. My family is fine. Nothing has happened. But here I sit, the familiar tingling sensation, the heat, the choking, and the pain rising from my feet up to my head. My thoughts are what if and oh no and what's wrong and not again and I can't do this anymore. I know it's anxiety, but that thought can't fight it's way through the mess of my mind to a clearing. A place where it stands out, where I can see it and acknowledge it and pay attention only to it. It's stuck in the middle of my mind's mosh pit, being thrown about and trampled. It's lost in the crowd.
Fear is the worst feeling in the world. I'd rather have my heart broken a million times over than be scared all the time, especially when it's for no apparent reason. And the worst fear is the "I'm going insane" fear. It doesn't make sense, and I can't properly explain what it's like, but try to imagine that you're certain you're about to go insane this very second, that you're going to have some psychotic break and do who knows what. It's ******* scary. And it's not true, because I've been told about a bajillion times that people who actually "go crazy" don't know they're going crazy. They don't fear it because they don't recognize it as being abnormal. Gosh I hope that's true.
Still I feel like I'm trying to hold it all together, and I'm about ready to burst. I feel like one day I'm going to break, and I'm going to be crazy. Psycho killer crazy, mumbling to myself crazy, paranoid crazy, I don't know. Just crazy. I'm really so scared of that, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be crazy or hurt anyone. Ever.
This is so horrible. I hate it.