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Introspection NOT, well maybe a little

Sep 10, 2010 - 0 comments

Woke 4:00am, not bad had good sleep from 10:30pm to 4am, about 5.5 hours is about standard. No real symtoms and no site injection reaction.

Three older, varsity vball players arrived at our house at 6:30am ish.  One of the kids was already up getting ready for a big day at school (pep rally, vball game, football game), the other was fast asleep.  The fast asleep one had not showered the night before and with the "kidnapping" was not going to be showering this morning.  The kids were wisked out of the house and taken to a varsity team mom's house where they had breakfast. They were put in costumes that had to be worn the entire school day but they tell me they had a blast.

I thought my journal today would be about introspective stuff.  A good friend had surgery today to remove both of her breasts.  Five years ago she would have had a next to nothing chance with the stage 4 aggressive cancer she had.  The news from the hospital was that the surgery went well and the chemo, drugs and radiation had done their job.  It looked clean.  Also, a good friend of mine is in the middle of losing her father. He is at the beginning of the end process of dying.  I can hardly type that word because his physical body will surely die but HE won't die.  The body is mearly the shell in which his sprit/soul lives temorarily on earth.  Such a gentle of a giant of a man who has lived an uplifting, long, wonderful, Christian life.  Not the type of man who was a christian in name only but a Christian with a capital C. He will be going home soon which makes those of us here sad to lose him here but hopeful that he will be reunited with his Creator and those he lost along his long, wonderful lifetime.

All throughout the day I prayed for each of these families.  I pray for comfort, for peace, for understanding, for good news, for patience and for the wisdom of the doctors.  And all day long I was royally pissed off.  No introspection to be found.  I am not mad at God, I think I have just reach my limit.  My brain is full, my emotions on overload.  It probably wasnt the best idea to caulk the outside windows and doors when the home project I HATE the most is caulking.  I am not good at it and I know it.  It is just so frustrating.  To top it off, workmen where here finishing the garage and some painting which kept me from different parts of the house.  And I couldn't leave the house to deliver the sandwiches to the team b/c of the workmen, so dh had to do it.  I could go on about the phone, the texts, the doorbell, the still dirty pool, etc.  But it was just too busy with no time to really be still.

Tomorrow the kids have a paid reff'ing job in the morning and I, of course, will be here with an handyman.  Maybe one more week of this at the most then we will be done.  Of course being done has it's own challenge but for now I am working to be done with the projects.  I want my life back, even if I don't know what that looks like at the moment.

Tonight I begin the process of the 7 shots, 7 sites all over again.  So I start where I started when Ellen came over, my left arm.  My phone alarm now seems to be working to remind me to get ready for my shot.  When I look at any date in the future on my phone, there it is, the reminder of the shot at 9pm.  How long does it take to get into the habit of something, two weeks?  Not there yet.

I jump in the shower.  Yes, it's the first one of the day, and try to get relaxed.  Easier said than done.  Dh helps me pick out the right spot.  It has to be in the back of the arm, the fleshy part.  And it has to be at least 2" away from the last injection site in the left arm.  Had a bit of trouble getting the trigger to work and keeping it straight but eventually we get it done.  Didn't feel the needle and no blood when we pulled it out.  Burning within a minute but not very sore like last week.  Only injection site that you can see there was a problem is the right thigh where I hit a capilary. Bruise still there but no pain at all. Sx today are slight burning in right foot late in the afternoon/evening but fading now.

While I was in the shower I thought about my Nana, my Gram, my uncle Richard, and some of my old pets (OniMay and Chloe).  I miss them all.  They added so much to my life and I simply miss them.   Their pain is over and for that I am happy but I am selfish and wish that I could still touch them.  These thoughts I know stem from my friend losing her father.  Recollections of losing something I love.  The shortest sentence in the bible is "Jesus wept."  Jesus was so moved at the grief expressed over the death of Lazarus that he wept.  This comforts me to know that Jesus experienced grief to the point of tears and he knows how to comfort us in our grief.

"What a time it is...not to hesitate when the Lord offers."  This is what my friend wrote when she was writing about her dad and turning to God for comfort.  She is drinking her dad up right now and having such a sweet time with him, all the while knowing that his time to leave is getting closer.  And she thanks God in the middle of it for the opportunity to say her unrushed, gentle goodbye.  Yes, what a time it is.

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