Aug 20, 2008
I think I did not really believe in he 30 day, 60 day, 90 day flare up/trigger but I'm just going to go ahead and say that; that's probably true.
Even if you aren't "addicted" and are "dependant" on a substance, something strange happens around those days. Which it has for me. Triggered seemingly out of nowhere was indeed massive and unrelenting anxiety. Maybe it's the whole fat cell turn over of toxins? Who knows? But yeah, in my experience with tramadol I am seeing this as quite true.
Part of this is of course that the car accident I just had on 8-9-08? was probably rated as severe. So, another severe car accident. I thought I was doing ok all week at work UNTIL the weekend or maybe Friday night. Then it felt like someone had taken a bat to my upper back. My arms literally felt as if they would fall out of their sockets. Which would be unfortunately (insert some swear words here) and inconvenient. Seeing as how I love a fresh manicure ....
Anyhow, I'll say this. This pain I am in right now. It's causing me anxiety. The accident itself cause some post traumatic accident anxiety. I finally just turned the whole thing over to an attorney I know fairly well. Sorry lawyer Lady, I'm going to make a crack and say, "Yeah, but how well can you ever know a Lawyer?" He's a PI attorney so ...
Ok so here's what happens that I attribute to the way Tramadol has re-wired and re-fired my brains. Physical pain onset. Instead of thinking; Oh I should grab an ice pack and some OTC pain killer I go to ... panic. 0-to anxiety attack in 60 seconds.
This morning I woke up and thought, "Oh my Gawd I am in so much pain I wish I were dead." This thought scared me because it's that same ole suicidal ideation back again and it's been here a couple of days mainly in the morning. I simply cannot fall asleep early enough and I can't lay in bed half asleep, half awake because my brain and the bad drug thoughts come back and shell me. Badly.
For me Suicidal Ideation was NON stop when I used Tramadol. I think it took a few months to show up, after I started using it. But no doctor ever caught it; so I got diagnosed with a panic disorder and put on klonopin. So I am not sure if the panic diagnosis is real or not. Again. This whole experience has made me realize why people bang their head against a wall.
So I drug my body downstairs, Got all the cats fed, grabbed an ice pack and realized another crucial point is that I am letting myself get too cold. Bad for a number of reasons but esp bad if you are say; using ICE PACKS to decrease swelling post car accident.
And. I'm running out of Klonopin. Which I think I have been on for about 3 years? I quit once thinking that the klonopin was giving me the suicidal ideation. And yes. Benzo withdrawal was very very bad. But honestly unless I get myself to a psychiatrist soon, I'll e on a "run out of klonopin taper." Seeing a psychiatrist; How will that happen? I no longer have medical insurance. I'm going to run out of Klonopin. Funny thing is that running out of klonopin will cause you anxiety if you are dependant on it. Hopefully ... I'll either get to an understanding Doc who can taper me, or .... (train of thought is now officially lost. This would never happen in Germany where trains run on time to the second and probably never ever get lost!)
Also I think the reality of seeing my smashed up car all weekend really did a number on my head. The reality of it is that I could have been killed. People get killed in that kind of accident all of the time. Their occipital bone slides forward and servers their spinal cord, paralyses or kills them. So after spending a weekend seeing that squished car by Tuesday going back to work was a head trip. So much anxiety about driving. Because again, another accident another bad driver. And my car, was really running beautifully. I had spent money to get it fixed. It had new brakes, new battery, new alternator, oil change, new brakes.
And now it is completely totaled. Squished. I know I am to be grateful that I am still alive and hurt, but not seriously hurt. I'm scared because the lower back pain which vanished is back with a vengeance and ... I was really enjoying it being gone! I mean, as much as you can enjoy this when you have withdrawal going on at the same time.
I hope all of you are well. Let me know if you can how you are doing. The Tramadol is a horrible drug and for me the experience was hair raising to say the least! I really really hope you all are making it thru, it's really nice. Even if your car is totaled and even if you get bronchitis in the middle of all of it. It is wonderful to laugh again. A real laugh, not a fake one. I never realized how much my laugh had vanished, until it returned.
Love and healing,