Nov 09, 2017
So yesterday (and to be frank the whole week) I've been a little bit stressed trying to get myself prepared for a presentation on Thursday. (Today) I just want it to go well and was trying to think of every angle and also prepare enough to keep a two hour training session running smoothly. The fear of my evaluation after was all too great too but more than anything there's been a bit of stress anticipating my ability to do the session well.
So yesterday I spent the entire day adding material and also getting a running order written down to help me establish that I had enough for the two hours. At 3.30pm my brain was fried and I suddenly had horrific heartburn and felt really cr*p tbh. It all happened very quick but I felt really overwhelmed and suddenly panic came over me wondering why I hadn't felt the baby move at all the last 8 hours. I let myself think for 5 minutes about when I'd last felt something and all I could pinpoint was at maybe 9am when leaning into a desk a little I'd felt a solitary kick. Much like the lonesome kick I'd felt at 8am but before I left for work while sitting on the bed.
It got me thinking that I had always felt kicks while sitting down and often when distracted at work. I did let myself acknowledge that I've been engrossed in the screen for hours on end but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I should have felt kicks when I'd eaten at lunch 3 hours earlier, and definitely when I'd have a cold drink earlier too. I simply couldn't shake this worry and also guilt that id been worrying for a few days that I didn't have the usual activity throughout the day or especially the peak period when home from work lying down the day before.
So I got up and left and just told someone I'd be on a break and really I should have gone to the staff room and relaxed on the sofa but I just couldn't help but worry and wanted some reassurance so I rang my doctors surgery.
I ended up being told to ring the day assessment unit but to not worry because the baby was probably just sleeping. When I rung I sort of half anticipated they'd get me to go in but another half wanted to just speak to someone as I'd been feeling like my midwife wasn't great at explaining movement frequency anyway. Because my BMI is high they told me I had to go in as they weren't allowed to tell me to wait one night and call the next day if i was still worried. Which is a good thing really I guess as worrying all night if my baby was dead wasn't what I was going to stand for anyway!
So I got in my car and drove to the hospital and sent a very apologetic text to my manager hoping they'd understand that I wouldn't normally just walk off but this wasn't something I wanted to hang around and discuss.
After some waiting I finally got seen and put onto a monitor and straight away was shown the screen and a heart rate ranging from 128 some moments to 160bpm. We had to wait half an hour for the monitor to pick up the movements and confirm a safe pattern but eventually the baby did after some laziness.
So baby is fine and I'm reassured. I'm just very confused and a bit angry at my midwife for putting in my head last week that I should be feeling regular movements. The midwives there said that it's very hard at this stage for the woman to notice regular movements and that the hard kicks last week simply had nothing to be worried about this week and they'd soon return as the baby builds up a bit more strength and loses some more room in here.
I just wish the midwife had told me that I shouldn't worry before 30 weeks but no matter what they'll always be cautious and always tell you to follow your instincts and report any changes straight away. I don't regret going in as it was so nice to hear that heartbeat and hear all the movement I couldn't feel which is fascinating really as I assumed I'd feel all of that shifting and 'scraping around' as she called it.
I got home and had dinner and ate a couple of small chocolates and lo and behold baby decided it wanted to give me a series of sugar high kicks down below in it's normal place. again in bed later ate one more chocolate and had a couple kicks again!
Being pregnant is so hard when all you do is worry about movements and when and how much you should feel it. I have my growth scan next Thursday and now can't wait to see the baby again after not being that bothered about it.
So I better get myself off to work and get myself through this presentation and evaluation! I cannot wait to get myself home though. I haven't had the best night's sleep waking up every hour for 4 hours so I'm also looking forward to the weekend off and taking it easy. Hopefully with a stress free weekend I'll also feel a whole lot of kicking too!