Dec 30, 2017
Hey there my peeps.....
Man, am I in a haze, daze.....this xmas was awful ......I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened.
I didn’t realize until this year that I really do have an emotional response to this time of year, and not in a good way.
Christmas comes with all kinds of depressing anxiety and forced responsibilities both physical and financial. In the past as a young mother with limited finances, it was so hard. There were many years that all this season did for me was make me cry as I couldn’t meet the standards of gift giving to my kids or anyone else! That’s not a problem I have anymore but I still think about it for others who go through this horrible stress.
Also my Grandfather died Dec. 23 when I was a kid...it was so traumatic.....then years later, my grandmother died dec. 24th......also, there has not been one year since Jeff and I have been together that there has not been a fight or upset of some kind. Just thinking about those years makes my stomach flop and anxiety set in as if I were experiencing that all over. I cannot think of bad things without this happening. Omfg I hate it so much!
I had a really good attitude about this xmas holiday....I started preparing at end of October. To make a very long story short....I failed...I had to abandoned many of my projects, which caused me huge anxiety...(effing big surprise).....also a couple of weeks before the day and it was the day we got that effing behemoth tree, Jeff decides to be a huge asss and totally attack me on a few different occasions..( I found out he was taking that quit smoking aid champex that makes people aggressive) He was so mean and it came out of nowhere! He started saying things like “why don’t you just leave and go live with Greg, or Ken or Don and Voula .....that’s what you normally do right?” ....I was so freaked out...I didn’t know where this was coming from....he was like a demon....it was scary.......so ...
......now, I’ve got 12 people coming for xmas and I have no energy, desire, or state of normal mind to do anything...but I have to. Omg....it was so hard......I felt like shite the whole time......Jeff’s sister was awful....I just can’t even talk about the awfulness of everyone!
I have to stop writing now because it’s putting me emotionally right back into it. I wish I could tell you all of whats been going on here with me but I’m so weak and no energy to write......I have not been eating well.....I still am only 97 pounds...I can’t seem to gain weight. I feel so abandoned by everyone that I thought was my family or friends irl. I just don’t care anymore...so tired.
I will get out of this...I just had to start somewhere and writing about it to get it out is something that I just forced but it is good for me I think.
I will carry on....baby steps.
I pray all of you are well .... I miss you all so much.
Lesa, where are you, I am worried. Rena....omg....so much love and peace to you and R. MeegTT. ...hang in there. Re-invent yourself with me. Laurie....I’ve been a MIA friend, I am sorry .....I don’t even know what has happened.
Happy New Year.....no, Good effing gawd, let’s have a completely different year in 2018!!!!! Not just happy but gawddammed Effin Awesome year!!!!