Sep 23, 2010
I go for long stretches of time doing so well, that I almost forget I have anxiety. Then it pops up, and I feel like my legs have been knocked out from under me.
Right now I'm struggling with the fear of going crazy, again. I mostly just feel like I'm trying really hard to hold it altogether, and if I falter or don't fight with everything I have, I'm going to crack and do who knows what. I know I'm not going crazy, I know these thoughts are irrational, but sometimes I just get too tired of fighting to try and be rational that I break down and usually just cry. And pray. And beg that none of this nonsense will ever come true, that I won't end up in an institution....jail.....homeless.
Anxiety is vicious.
I also have a hard time falling asleep, and I don't know why. It's not like in the beginning where I was scared to sleep because I thought I would die, it's just I don't want to go to sleep. I have to have the TV on to fall asleep, and I'm thinking it's because these irrational fears have made me scared to be alone with my own thoughts. I need something else going on to keep me from concentrating on myself. I have to keep my mind busy to keep the anxiety away.
But getting 3 hours or so of sleep a night is definitely making my anxiety worse, yet I STILL can't simply go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I can't shut everything off and just be alone in quiet. I really don't know what I'm so scared of.