Aug 09, 2021
It’s now August. I read my last entry I made in May. Not much has changed. In fact, things just feel worse. I was told at work that I would get a Director title. I don’t know why I believed it. I didn’t get it. But my male coworkers sure did, for not even working better or harder than me, but I think because there’s an issue with equal treatment based on gender at work. I gotta say though, it hurt really bad. I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling that pain for a good week.
My personal life has just gotten worse also. I really thought my husband was happy with me. He said a few things that made me feel like he was second guessing my character. I hate that. I hate it when people think they know me and I find out they don’t know me at all. I also hate when I feel I know someone and I learn I don’t. I can’t go deeper than that just because it’s annoying and frustrating to talk about at all.
Life just doesn’t feel good. I never had things easy and I never will. Life will always be a struggle. I accept some struggle but I’m fed up with the non stop struggle. When I get fed up, I take time to re-evaluate the choices I made in life. Is this the right career for me? Should I go back to school? Should I still be married to this man? Is he the right person for me and most of all, maybe I’m not the right person for him? I wish I could spend the weekend with God just like the movie “the shack”. Maybe I could have a heart to heart and understand what my life’s plan is. Most of all, maybe I’ll get a chance to see life the way I wanted it to be. Where my mom and dad were still alive, healthy and happy. A place where they both actually loved each other and loved us unconditionally also. A place where I didn’t have to be scared just to exist, and where things were fair and people were good to each other. A place where there were more dogs than people.
This could be called heaven.
I always wonder what my life would be like if my parents loved each other and were happy together, and in turn, loved us kids and treated us well, and equally. Maybe I’d love like today. Maybe I’d speak up more with confidence. Who knows.. maybe I’d be CEO at a company.