October 7, 2010
Reported this dream to Dr. Freud.........discussed my RLS, stabbing sudden brief pains. I told him my doubts about how real RLS is, but he said it is a genuine condition. Analyzed my dream, and pinpointed the part ".... I wanted a baby, one that would be euthanized if no one chose her." My extreme exhaustion from weeks of insomnia could be a result of a psychological condition "Fear of Sleep". Just what I need, another neurosis. He said it makes sense due to my concerns over my sister's cancer, and that she is starting her fourth year since ovarian cancer stage IIIc dx. Her odds of a 5 year survival are 20%. I'm afraid of yet another loss, fearing that I won't survive the next one. So, Neurontin will be another part of my drug cocktail to treat RLS as well as neuropathy.
I believe that in the dream I was the infant and my mother was "me". Could explain my disconnect from my Dad, brothers and sister. My dad would choose a dangerous animal (Nona!) over me.
Thursday Sept 23:
Moving into a house in the country...Sis and Dad, my brothers are there. (Why wasn't my mom there? She loved me! Sis and I are the only ones still living!) The place is kind of ramshackle with no clear floor plan. Dad insists on having a pet lion with a mane (lol), and as much as I love cats, am terrified. I tell him either the lion goes or I go. He agrees to have the "lion kennel" pick her up. When the kennel people arrive, they load the lion, then ask me to look at the other lions available and choose one. I look at them and see a sweet one without a mane. I ask about "her" but am told that this lion is actually a special type of male lion. When I ask why I'm to choose a lion when I was promised we wouldn't house one, the reply was that they had orders from my dad that if I refused to make a selection, they would choose one and place the lion in the house.
Okay, I had passive aggressive issues with my dad all of my life (at least until he died in 2000). My heart broke when I realized that he chose the lion over me.
Now I needed another place to live. I walked to another house out in this country setting. It was filled with mothers and daughters of all ages. One woman with strawberry blond hair and daughter around age 7 with identical hair invited me in. I was asked what age daughter I wanted. I told her I wanted a baby, one that would be euthanized if no one chose her.
An older woman appeared with a beautiful dark haired infant (my hair is blond) and placed her in my arms. She told me to follow her and we would get started. Another woman met us, who had been the baby's foster mother. I was given a breast pump (at 61 :-) and bottles to store my milk. I couldn't see the point, as I breast fed both of my sons, each for 2 years. I had the baby nurse, but no milk so used the pump. I produced milk and tried to prepare a bottle but didn't know how (never used a bottle for my 2 sons). Decided to nurse this baby despite the older woman's instructions.
Note: I've always wished for a daughter, and now wish for a granddaughter.....not happening soon, as both my sons are far from being married or in a serious relationship.
Note: when my kids were babies, my ex-mother-in-law expressed her disgust when I was still breastfeeding past the 6th month mark. She was critical of most of my mothering e.g., she thought I was spoiling my babies because I did not let them "cry it out". I couldn't stand letting my child cry without comfort or attention.
Note: The lion was no issue for my sister and brothers. The fact that I was my dad's least favored child was all too obvious.. some things never change, even in our dreams. Reminds me of the (actual) time when I was about 7, Dad caught my cat Jasper on the kitchen counter. I saw him grab the cat and THROW him out the back door. I cried and cried and said "You put him out right!". My dad sort of laughed (that hurt!) and said he would find him and "put him out right". Still crying, I went to my room. A few minutes later he came into my room and told me that Jasper came back to the door and he had put him out "right". I knew he hadn't, but pretended to accept his apology. My first memory of my dad's passive-aggressive behavior.
Note: My son Ben's blond hair has changed to medium brown, as reported by my older son. I haven't seen Ben for 10 years.....a whole issue in itself (sadness).