Oct 05, 2010
Last night was a pretty confusing night. While on Arjen's computer I found more pictures of other girls. I hate the fact that he holds on to the past. He always makes light of everything that has happened in the past and constantly makes me feel like the present will never be as good. In response I always feel like I am being challenged to make his future better than his past. But really.. I don't know if anything can truly compete with his past.
The few girls he's actually dated have been party girls who don't mind having open relationships and doing drugs and being generally chaotic. I can't handle that. There is no way that I will ever share my man... especially him. He's so important and so special. Hard drugs are also an absolute NO in my book. I feel like in some way my more conservative ways make him unhappy. It's so difficult to even think that.
What bothers me the most however is that really, this is an issue inside myself. My self esteem is low.. and part of that might have to do with him.. but in reality everything is within my control. I get to choose what I believe and what I do not believe. Sounds easier than it really is though.
I really need to be able to find myself and find something to be happy about. Something to help me build my confidence and make me feel like I am an amazing woman and anyone would be lucky to have me in their lives. Again, obviously not as easy as it sounds.
Anyway, yesterday was also a wonderful day for me even though I had a significant set back. Yesterday, Arjen and I went downtown to find more things for our bedroom and house. We ended up to buy these plastic stackable drawers for the bathroom. It made me so happy!!! I love organizing things and the drawers really made a wonderful difference in the bathroom. Everything looks so nice and neat! It is awesome!
After we ate dinner, I went upstairs to make loads of calls and e-mails relating to Arjen's birthday. I want to throw him an epic birthday party. He really deserves it. He's been there so much for me with everything that has happened with my Dad and what not. I couldn't have asked for something better.
Then, following my complete emotional break down.. we stayed up half the night talking and laughing and being really stupid. I love it when we have sleep overs. It's so much fun!