Oct 13, 2010
My good friend Sara wants to go on a cruise in December, and she wants me to go with her. This is something that obviously I should be excited about.....getting out of Utah for a little bit, away from the snow, out to the ocean and beaches and sunshine and fun. But I feel scared instead of excited. I feel like crying instead of smiling at the prospect of a vacation.
That is completely ridiculous.
My mind is full of what ifs.......what if the plane crashes, what if the boat sinks, what if I get kidnapped in Mexico, what if I have a panic attack on the plane/out at sea and I embarrass myself, what if I get food poisoning, what if what if what if....
I so miss being carefree.
I'm going to go. I'm going to tell my anxiety to shut the hell up and leave me be. I can't let this thing destroy my life and make me miss out on all the things I've ever wanted to do. I love traveling and I want to travel all over. I can't be scared of the what ifs because it will do nothing but hold me back.
But it's so much easier said then done. When the anxiety gets bad, sometimes I find myself wanting to give up. I relent and think to myself it's not worth it. The traveling and the going out with friends and the stepping outside of my comfort zone, it's not worth it. It's not worth the fear and the feelings that I get. I'm perfectly content to stay inside my safe little bubble for the rest of my life.
I'm not though. It's maddening to be at odds with your own self. I'm not okay with living inside a small bubble because that's where I'm most comfortable. I'm not okay with letting all my goals and my dreams go in order to keep my anxiety at bay.
I'm in control. The anxiety isn't. It's an annoying part of me, but I need to learn to ignore it.
And I will, I swear.