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Time is Running Out... Am I Alone on This?

Oct 15, 2010 - 2 comments
Tags:

Addiction

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Pregnancy

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Relationships

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Fear

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Health

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am i alone

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disease

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friends

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dependency



I feel like I've been so lucky, and I don't know how I've kept my addiction a secret for so long. I tried to tell my best friend and she didn't understand. Our relationship is ruined and she is stubborn to see this as a disease. I have wanted a child for as long as I can remember and I'm getting closer and closer to the age I want to start a family. I have an amazing supportive boyfriend and I couldn't ask anything more from him. I feel like time is running out and so is my luck. I feel like my dependency will eventually catch up to me if I don't do something, like yesterday! I'm graduating college in the spring with a bachelors degree in psychology and I hope to find a good job. Right now I'm low on money and I feel guilty that I spend money on prescription drugs I may not necessarily need. I fear that I will never be able to kick my addiction and that I will lose my boyfriend and never be able to find someone to start a family with. And if somehow I remain a functional addict I fear that it will interfere with becoming pregnant. I know the addicted brain takes several years to heal and return to normal or some semblance of normal, whatever that may be. Am I alone on this? Does anyone else have the same anxiety? I feel like my luck is running out. I need to stop and stop for good.

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by designgyrl0112, Oct 21, 2010
What an amazing and honest post Colleen.  Have you ever thought about making an appointment with a psychologist just to talk some of these things out.  Girl, you've got it together, you just got to do the right thing and you know already what you need to do.   I'm glad your a functioning addict (better than a non-functuning one) and regarding your best friend you just need to sit her down and say, " I'm addicted to pain pills, it didn't start out that way, but now I have a problem and I want you to know about it" and then you need to tell her it is a disease and that you need her help to support you.   You are brave Colleen to even go this far!   Besides over taking the tramadol are you abusing any other pain pills too, or just the tramadol?  Have you thought about telling your doctor that you feel that you may have an addiction to the medication and that you need to talk with him.  I've seen people talk to their doctors and they help them, and then years later they will still get pain medication, they just watch it very carefully.  You shouldn't lose your boyfriend since he's so supportive, and he may even know what's going on, most of the time they do know.  If he doesn't, you need to tell him, or even write it down and put it in his wallett.  That way he can read it when he's alone and come home and the two of you can talk about it.  I know it's hard sweetie but you need support not to be afraid.  Your going to graduate soon and you want to have the best life that you can.  Just think of the money that you are spending on medication that can go to something else, like a trip for your graduation?  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  YOU are not alone in this, I promise.  Please promise me that you'll join the substance abuse forum, but please also email me, and friend me back so we can talk.  I just don't want you to think your alone in this, because your not....  You are not going to run out of luck, your going to tell your best friend and your boyfriend, and then your doctor when your strong enough.  You are going to graduate from college and have a wonderful, happy and fulfilling life without all these drugs getting in your way.  

My name is Karen and I friended you today, please feel free to email me, or post back.  I'd like to hear from you!!!

Hugs,

Karen

1474625 tn?1371097079
by ColleenToQuit, Oct 21, 2010
Thank you Karen for the amazing support. The funny thing is that my life is kind of an anomaly. I'm a psychology major and I've been really hard on myself about all of this. I'm not a person with an addictive behavior so I have no idea how I got this way with tramadol. I'm already part of the substance abuse community and I've read a lot about different issues people have with tramadol. My boyfriend knows and he is very supportive and has never judged me for it. He was the second person I ever told my dependence issue to. It was right around the time we started dating too. I just wanted to start our relationship on an honest note because I knew he was going to be a keeper. And he is. I really found a great guy. He is a psychology major as well, so he gets it.

My "best friend" knows as well. She was the first person I told. It strained our relationship. She doesn't get it and doesn't try. Our friendship has been artificial from day 1 when we were pre-school age. I'm not saying she is not smart, because she is in her own way, but she definitely is not a very good cognitive or empirical thinker. She doesn't understand things in an intelligent manner. She is 22 stuck in a 7 year old's body when it comes to looking at data and coming to her own conclusions. But... that's neither here nor there. The point is she won't try and I don't want to waste my time trying to give her facts because she has already formed her opinion and it's granite. I have a shovel but need a jackhammer to get through to that core. But the real issue in our relationship. Looking back, I've always been a convenience friend to her. Someone she can use to kill her boredom because I was right down the street from her. Then she moved a mile away and she can't keep her plans with me because her boyfriend comes first. She has a pattern of plan-breaking over a guy she will be with for a few months. Her relationships are always instable because they realize she becomes too clingy and dependent.

Regarding tramadol, if I tell my doctor he will laugh. He doesn't believe it is a true opiate and told me when I started taking it regularly it is not addictive. I'm not sure he has caught up to the current literature on tramadol. The FDA has revised its position on tramadol and is considering scheduling it as a class IV drug, I believe. That's one of the lowest ranks of addictive potentials for a drug. They just recently, within the last 10 years or so, started conducting medical studies on the addiction potentials of tramadol in humans. It was originally done on rats and addiction was not present. And because experts never knew, and still don't, for certain how tramadol works in the brain as it is very different from a traditional opiate and has SNRI properties, they didn't realize the full addiction potential of the drug until very recently when they started receiving reports of it showing up in NA and detox clinics as a problem. I'm not afraid to tell him, but I know he will tell me it's psychosomatic and send me to a psychologist. Which isn't a bad idea, and I've wanted to try counseling, but it's too expensive with my insurance, and around here they're booked 6 mos out.

Another problem with tramadol is it's too damn cheap. I pay $4 per prescription for it. I don't even see a ding in my wallet. There was never an incentive to quit until recently when my usage went from 5 max to 12 and that was due to opiate tolerance in general from back surgery. And at that dose I have seizure risk. And to be honest I'm pretty sure I've had 2 of them so far. They were partial petit mal seizures. I spaced out in class and started writing gibberish as notes and all of a sudden I came out of it and was so confused and didn't realize I had laid my head on my desk. I seemingly just sat down and my professor was telling us he didn't have time to explain anything else and let us out. I then asked him if he noticed me sleeping or acting strange but he didn't. Neither did anyone around me. It was so strange. That woke me up and now I'm done with tramadol for good.

Thanks for listening!
Colleen

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