All Journal Entries Journals

October23...2:00 am

Oct 23, 2010 - 9 comments

Can't sleep despite earlier fatigue beyond belief. Two kids out running around with friends, etc can keep any mom up. While waiting for their return , I missed that golden hour where one can fall asleep in a second to wound too tight.

Anyway, too much on my mind. Received a letter and old photos  of her and my Dad from the 1940's. Guess I know where my middle daughter get some of her moves and poses. TMI. I think of my my often as she is 87 and as all of her dear friends die or move she is getting lonely. My Dad has been gone 7 years now and she misses him terribly , as do I. Mom is keeping busy sorting through all her belongings and dispersing things to each of us siblings.

Her mood seems upbeat but I know it's only show. After my Dad , she dated another man , who knew my dad, anyway, he too has passed away.  When I last saw her a few months ago she was losing weight. Not good  when there's no weight to lose. Her nosy , bratty little kids, to quote her, wrote a letter to her PCP with our concerns and asked her if she was comfortable and agreed with what was written to share it with her PCP. She did and she is on Ensure now.

But, Mom isn't the only thing on my mind. This blasted MS and it's interruption into my life is getting to me. New double vision while driving but the kibosh on me and driving independently. A messy house, no muscle strength to do half of what I need to do and no desire to want to do it anyway. Guess these feelings are the aftermath of missing our Cancun trip for our 30th wedding anniversary that was financed by our wonderful kids . Guess I'm still pouting.

So much for the 1st dose of ketamine. In  more pain now than before. I'll be calling the doc's PA on Monday with some questions regarding this and what are the normal expectations.

Well, this is disjointed as is my mind most days but , this did feel cathatrtic is some ways. Perhaps I won't wait until 2 in the morning. to write............

Comments
Post a Comment
572651 tn?1530999357
by Lulu54, Oct 23, 2010
Hi ren, 4 am was my wakeup call.... I am pretty good at not missing that golden hour to fall asleep - it's the eyes wide open moment in the middle of the night that is wearing me down.

Your troubles just continue and I'm so sorry they still are unable to find a good combination for some relief.  I think I would be like you and still brooding over a lost vacation - traveling is a bug that we catch and can't get rid of easily.  The only cure for that is another trip! I hope one is in your future very  soon.

I've still got both of my parents, so can only imagine the lonliness the surviving one is going to feel when the  other is gone.  They've been married 68 years, I think.  It may not feel like it  right now, but your mom passing out her things to who she wants is a good thing.  It is probably giving her great comfort in knowing that her important possessions will be safeguarded.

Take care and I hope your kids come in early tonight so you get more rest.
hugs, L

195469 tn?1388322888
by Heather3418, Oct 23, 2010
Precious one,

I am so sorry that you are in a slump.  The story about your momma, made me weep.  I agree with Lulu, that your mom is probably taking grreat comfort from passing out her belongings to her loved ones now.  She is making the decision of what goes where and is probably happy with that fact.

I hope you start to feeling better.  I was hoping that the new treatment of Ketamine was going to work for you.  Maybe you will need more time, before it starts to show results.

Tell those kids that they worry you, when they are out.  It won't hurt them to get home earlier, so mom can get some rest.  

Please take care of yourself.  I miss you...

Big HUGZ,
Heather

1168938 tn?1327154232
by suzsibs, Oct 23, 2010
I'm sorry to hear the ketamine hasn't helped you SO FAR...maybe tomorrow it will kick in (fingers crossed).

You sound like you need to drink some chocolate wine, it might help with the sleep problems if you drink enough ha ha.

My Grandma is 93 next week and she has spent a good 20 years on her own, I don't know how she's done it. She still lives in the same house they got when they married, it is amazing how well she looks after herself. I hope your Mum picks up and you get some pain relief soon.

All the best
Suz

739070 tn?1338603402
by rendean, Oct 23, 2010
A big thank you to you ladies for the support. Yes, I know I'm whining but it felt good to get it off my chest. AS for my kids out, it was a unique situation that formed the late night curfew.

Heather: the ketamine is a series of 3 + infusions so hopefully relief will come with subsequent infusions.

Lu: yes, the Cancun  trip which I had set as my light at the end of the tunnel was cut short by another relapse and/or  a change in my clinical exam to worry my using calm easy-going neuro. That be said, you know I couldn't worry as well.
the worst of it was the disappointment my kids; faces when we told them we had to postpone the trip indefinitely , at this time.  Their crestfallen faces were heart breaking. They had saved and scrimped their personal finances to pay for the trip and were so proud.

Suz: I liked your comment,"SO FAR" . a reminder to be optimistic and not to give up yet. BTW, as soon as I hit "post", I did get up and pour myself a glass of chocolate wine!!

Once again, thank you!
Ren

1394601 tn?1328032308
by Sumanadevii, Oct 24, 2010
Isn't ketamine the date rape drug?  How and why is it used to treat MS?

1312898 tn?1314568133
by RedFlame, Oct 24, 2010
Hi Ren,  

I'm so sorry that you aren't getting enough rest and are putting up with so much at home.  It doesn't help when you have children out and you are stuck home worrying about them.  There does seem to be a special time when sleep can happen---when something jerks you awake it's hard to relax enough again.

I hope your children understand that you have MS  But then they are kids too.  

I do hope that they will finally get your meds worked out too.  That will help I think!

Hugs,   Red

1045086 tn?1332126422
by twopack, Oct 25, 2010
Sumanadevii, Ketamine isn't the "date-rape" drug (that would be Rohypnol).  Ketamine is an anesthetic agent that, in low doses separates sensation from perception but doesn't produce amnesia like the drug you're thinking of.  It isn't used to treat MS.  

Rendean is seeing a pain specialist (aka: an anesthesiologist) who is using Ketamine to control pain and reset the brain's perception of pain.  You can look for her topics on the forum where she has shared the procedures she is having very openly in the recent past.

Ren, I hope you are sleeping peacefully tonight and dreaming of the many pain-free days coming into your future.  I wish a solo treatment would have done it all for you.  Alas, it seems that (like so many things in life) a trio of exposures is usually required to get any staying power.

Guess it's time I try to sleep myself.
Mary

1394601 tn?1328032308
by Sumanadevii, Oct 25, 2010
It's nice to know ketamine has a good use too but it is also a date rape drug.  Here is link

http://www.revolutionhealth.com/sexual-health/sexual-assault/prevention/date-rape-drugs

1168718 tn?1464983535
by candy158, Nov 08, 2010
Hi sweetie, hope you got my note earlier.  I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this mess.  Getting older was never meant to be like this ( or so we are led to believe) ....I am glad that your mom is giving away some things, that will be theraputic for her, or that is what my gramma told me, anyways.  I hope it holds true for your mom.  The hardest thing about life is when you can't really live it much anymore.  

I know how you are feeling, and I do hope that the med's will kick in quickly.  

As far as the kids, well, I don't really know if thata feeling ever truly goes away from us as waiting for them to be home, and in the right spot for us.  Mine are grown up now, with kids of their own, and I still worry about them, and wonder how they are doing.  We never quit being mom's no matter what age we are.... so , remember that when it comes to your mom OK?  
it will be doing her good to be dealing with some of her own issues.

Don't worry about your messy house, mine is messy too, and I used to be really concerned about it, but now, if people want to judge me by how many cob webs or dust bunnies they find, then they can go to h*ll !!!  those aren't the friends or family that we need or want around.

As long as you can get to your tea pot and kettle, and the fridge if you take milk, then that is all that matters.  ( eventually the bathroom will matter too), but don't worry about that now.....LOL

I do hope I put a smile on your pretty face,

take care, and will chat soon,
*HUGS*
Candy


Post a Comment