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Nov 02, 2010 - 0 comments

I'm feeling a bit better as far as anxiety is concerned, but health wise I'm a wreck. I have a horrible cold and stomach issues that just won't go away. I can't eat and I'm almost always feeling pain in my stomach or back. I thought it was maybe a kidney stone, but I've never had a stone last this long or feel quite this way before. I can't sleep and I think this is all making my anxiety act up just a bit. The trembling in my stomach and legs has returned, which I hate. Plus today is my Monday, which I also hate.

When it rains it pours, right?

All of these issues are making me extra nervous for my vacation. What if this happens out on the cruise? How on earth am I going to stay sane without my mom, dog, or dry land? I'm going to be out on a boat in the ocean, how am I going to keep from feeling trapped? What if I have a panic attack? What if I get seasick? What if I completely freak out and lose control?

I hate anxiety. I hate that it robs us of ourselves. Happiness. Freedom. I hate that I'm not the same person I was before all this anxiety and panic nonsense. I hate that there seems to be so many setbacks and no clear finish line. I hate that I'm not 100% better, and I hate that I don't know if I'll ever be.

I hate a lot of things right now.

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